2010 AL Central Preview

~~~~~~AL CENTRAL~~~~~~

*Chicago White Sox*
Strengths: Bobby Jenks gravitational pull should do a pretty good job keeping balls in the park.
Weaknesses: AJ Pierzynski has lost a bit of his edge since “your mom” jokes went out of style.
Deciding Factor: The season’s barely started and I’m one homosexual slur away from Ozzie Guillen bingo.
Fun Fact: : Mark Buehrle pitched a perfect game last year, which is the first time “perfect” has ever been used to describe anything relating to the city of Chicago.

*Cleveland Indians*
Strengths: Cleveland has some relatively great pitching talent. Unfortunately, that “talent” is in the stands rather than on the field, and is only “great” compared to a rotation that is headlined by “ace” Jake Westbrook.
Weaknesses: Have you seen “Major League”? Cleveland can’t even win the World Series in their own damn movie.
Deciding Factor: Kerry Wood’s musculoskeletal system.
Fun Fact: Remember Fausto Carmona? How bout Travis Hafner? They’re like those one hit wonders that make it take an annoyingly long time to scroll through your iPod by artist.

*Detroit Tigers*
Strengths: Scott Sizemore is one of the top talents in baseball. Oh, wait. That’s Grady Sizemore. Who the **** is Scott Sizemore?
Weaknesses: Magglio Ordonez’s skill level is dropping like the 2008 stock market. That joke a little dated? Fine, dropping like Britney Spears’ baby.
Deciding Factor: If Johnny Damon gets moved to the infield, maybe the Molina brothers will stop trying to score from third on every fly ball hit to him.
Fun Fact: Miguel Cabrera has developed into more of a slap hitter. At least that’s what I heard from his wife at the end of last season.


*Kansas City Royals*
Strengths: Are a great boon to the economy, as at least twenty people on their roster would be unemployed if not for the merciful and kind hearted Royals organization.
Weaknesses: Royals manager Trey Hillman has to watch Yuniesky Betancourt field just about every game. That must be like having a family member in the Special Olympics, where you really want to be supportive but you end up either laughing or crying.
Deciding Factor: If Kansas City gets career years out of every single one of their players, the players might have enough leverage to decide to get out of Kansas ****ing City, does that count?
Fun Fact: Current Royals centerfielder Rick Ankiel is famous for the epic collapse of his pitching career following a meltdown in the 2000 Playoffs, during which he gave up 9 wild pitches in 4 innings. That performance would still be good enough to earn him a slot in the Kansas City rotation.

*Minnesota Twins*
Strengths: Justin Morneau is one of the best players in the league at finishing higher in MVP voting than more deserving players on his own team.
Weaknesses: New outdoor stadium means that first home game will be in mid-May when they finally clear the snow off the field.
Deciding Factor: After signing Joe Mauer to a long term contract after a career year, the Twins need to find a way to minimize interaction with Carl Pavano before he gets any ideas. Which should be easy as pitchers and catchers usually have no significant interaction during the season.
Fun Fact: Every time I see Kevin Slowey’s last name I think he’s a Pokemon for some reason. Here’s a fun experiment: go to your local bar and try narrating all of his starts as if they were Pokemon battles. It’s a great way of avoiding STD transmission.


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