AL East Preview

We start off with an informative preview of this year in MLB, starting with the AL East.


~~~~AL East~~~~

Baltimore Orioles
Strengths: In a few years, Orioles fans will look back at this team and appreciate the fact that the 2012 Orioles at least have a shot at 4th in the division, which will have seemed impossible after their 2009 season.
Weaknesses: Felix Pie pronounces his name like a Frenchman instead of a delicious, patriotic pastry. This hatred of freedom will inevitably cause some drama in the clubhouse.
Deciding Factor: If Cal Ripken Jr. came out of retirement, and played at the same level as his peak years, and carried the team to a winning record, it might make it slightly more difficult for the visiting teams fans to fill the park.
Fun Fact: GM Andy MacPhail has the most accurate name in baseball since 1950s pitcher “Michael Kantwin”, who did not win a single major league game in his entire career, primarily due to the fact that he didn’t actually exist.

Boston Red Sox
Strengths: With the additions of Smoltz, Penny and Baldelli along with extensions to Pedroia and Youkilis, the front office is closing in on their goal of a roster of 25 “gritty”, “team-oriented” white guys.
Weaknesses: Julio Lugo
Deciding Factor: The Red Sox are currently appealing to Major League Baseball to allow them to DH for their catcher instead of their pitcher. This change would improve their offense roughly as much as if your local beer league first baseman were replaced with Albert Pujols .
Fun Fact: With the departure of Manny Ramirez and Curt Schilling, there is a power vacuum in the field of “causing unnecessary drama”. Who will step up to fill the void? My money’s on Tim Wakefield. That nice guy façade doesn’t trick me, he was just biding his time until he could take the “Team Asshole” throne unopposed.

New York Yankees
Strengths: The Yankees have finally managed to shed the popular opinion of the other 29 teams, their fans, and most of America that the Yankees try to buy a Championship every year. This was achieved by signing public opinion to an 8 year, $200 million deal.
Weaknesses: Despite his best efforts, Alex Rodriguez has only made the front page of the New York Post in about one-fifth of its issues this offseason. Of course, it should come as no surprise that A-Rod is hitting .200 after September.
Deciding Factor: The Yankees have a great shot at the division unless they forget to stock the postgame buffet for CC Sabathia, as there is a good chance that the team would function less effectively if everybody else on the roster was eaten alive in between games.
Fun Fact: The federal government tried to get the Yankees to bail out the entire US Financial system. The Yankees were unwilling to do so as the Financial System plays shortstop and the Yankees aren’t willing to move Jeter, despite the Financial System having better range.

Tampa Bay Rays
Strengths: The number of players on the roster who have been convicted of domestic violence has dropped significantly in the past few years. While it may seem boring to some, there are a few benefits of having players who can hit a ball instead of a spouse.
Weaknesses: If Rookie of the Year frontrunner David Price does not win the award, Evan Longoria will probably be a real douchebag about it. You know, “accidentally” leaving his RotY trophy outside of Price’s locker and comforting Price with “It’s okay, not ALL top prospects are completely awesome right from the start.”
Deciding Factor: The Rays are hoping that their entire bullpen can recapture the form that led every single player in their bullpen to have the best year of their life last year. This would be preferable to them recapturing the form that made them suck every other year in their careers.
Fun Fact: Jokes that play off the similarity between the names of Evan Longoria and Eva Longoria never get old. Speaking of which, if they had kids, they should totally hyphenate the last names, so you could have Evan Longoria-Longoria Junior.


Toronto Blue Jays
Strengths: In recent years, Toronto has had the talent to contend in the AL East but has repeatedly underperformed when their dominant-on-paper pitching rotation kept getting injured or unlucky. Toronto will not have that problem this year, having already lost all their decent pitchers except Roy Halladay, and thus ridding themselves of any of this so-called “potential".
Weaknesses: Starting pitching, starting lineup, bench, being in Canada
Deciding Factor: Roy Halladay pitched 246 innings last year for a 2.78 ERA. If he can double that inning count and improve his ERA, Toronto MIGHT be able to come in 3rd in the division.
Fun Fact: Due to the exchange rate, a run scored in Canada is worth only .85 American runs.

(Division previews inspired by The Onion Sports, The Brushback Report, Gamefaqs Forums, and various substances of questionable legality)