~~~~~~AL CENTRAL~~~~~~
*Chicago White Sox*
Strengths: Bobby Jenks gravitational pull should do a pretty good job keeping balls in the park.
Weaknesses: AJ Pierzynski has lost a bit of his edge since “your mom” jokes went out of style.
Deciding Factor: The season’s barely started and I’m one homosexual slur away from Ozzie Guillen bingo.
Fun Fact: : Mark Buehrle pitched a perfect game last year, which is the first time “perfect” has ever been used to describe anything relating to the city of Chicago.
*Cleveland Indians*
Strengths: Cleveland has some relatively great pitching talent. Unfortunately, that “talent” is in the stands rather than on the field, and is only “great” compared to a rotation that is headlined by “ace” Jake Westbrook.
Weaknesses: Have you seen “Major League”? Cleveland can’t even win the World Series in their own damn movie.
Deciding Factor: Kerry Wood’s musculoskeletal system.
Fun Fact: Remember Fausto Carmona? How bout Travis Hafner? They’re like those one hit wonders that make it take an annoyingly long time to scroll through your iPod by artist.
*Detroit Tigers*
Strengths: Scott Sizemore is one of the top talents in baseball. Oh, wait. That’s Grady Sizemore. Who the **** is Scott Sizemore?
Weaknesses: Magglio Ordonez’s skill level is dropping like the 2008 stock market. That joke a little dated? Fine, dropping like Britney Spears’ baby.
Deciding Factor: If Johnny Damon gets moved to the infield, maybe the Molina brothers will stop trying to score from third on every fly ball hit to him.
Fun Fact: Miguel Cabrera has developed into more of a slap hitter. At least that’s what I heard from his wife at the end of last season.
*Kansas City Royals*
Strengths: Are a great boon to the economy, as at least twenty people on their roster would be unemployed if not for the merciful and kind hearted Royals organization.
Weaknesses: Royals manager Trey Hillman has to watch Yuniesky Betancourt field just about every game. That must be like having a family member in the Special Olympics, where you really want to be supportive but you end up either laughing or crying.
Deciding Factor: If Kansas City gets career years out of every single one of their players, the players might have enough leverage to decide to get out of Kansas ****ing City, does that count?
Fun Fact: Current Royals centerfielder Rick Ankiel is famous for the epic collapse of his pitching career following a meltdown in the 2000 Playoffs, during which he gave up 9 wild pitches in 4 innings. That performance would still be good enough to earn him a slot in the Kansas City rotation.
*Minnesota Twins*
Strengths: Justin Morneau is one of the best players in the league at finishing higher in MVP voting than more deserving players on his own team.
Weaknesses: New outdoor stadium means that first home game will be in mid-May when they finally clear the snow off the field.
Deciding Factor: After signing Joe Mauer to a long term contract after a career year, the Twins need to find a way to minimize interaction with Carl Pavano before he gets any ideas. Which should be easy as pitchers and catchers usually have no significant interaction during the season.
Fun Fact: Every time I see Kevin Slowey’s last name I think he’s a Pokemon for some reason. Here’s a fun experiment: go to your local bar and try narrating all of his starts as if they were Pokemon battles. It’s a great way of avoiding STD transmission.
==Quick Links==
~~2010 Predictions~~
2010 AL East Preview
2010 AL Central Preview
2010 AL West Preview
2010 NL East Preview
2010 NL Central Preview
2010 NL West Preview
~~2009 Predictions~~
2009 AL East Preview
2009 AL Central Preview
2009 AL West Preview
2009 NL East Preview
2009 NL Central Preview
2009 NL West Preview
Showing posts with label Royals. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Royals. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Saturday, April 11, 2009
AL Central Preview
~~AL Central~~
Strengths: With guys like Buehrle, Danks and Gavin Floyd just in the rotation,
Weaknesses: AJ Pierzynski is running out of things to say to mess with opposing batters, and has resorted to asking random questions and saying “that’s what she said” regardless of whether it makes any sense in context.
Deciding factor: The team has a chance to greatly increase its payroll due to the success of Ozzie Guillen scrabble, which introduces * as a letter and gives bonuses for the number of people insulted when you spell out a word or phrase.
Fun fact: Starting pitcher Bartolo Colon is unique in that while many people have been described as “eating enough for a small African country”,
Strengths: Lead the league in pitchers who were really good for one year and mediocre to horrible otherwise.
Weaknesses: Jhonny Peralta has such poor range at shortstop that the Indians are considering hiring Barry Bonds to replace him with the hope that his enormous head will physically block all balls hit to the left side of the diamond.
Deciding factor: Grady Sizemore’s name is suspiciously similar to Grady Little. It’s going to take more than just a few years as one of the best offensive centerfielders in baseball to convince people that this isn’t a coincidence.
Fun fact: The Indians have two of the most badass names in baseball: Asdrubal and Fausto.
Strengths: Cannot possibly disappoint more than they did last year, so it’s all uphill from here. Or at least continued progress at the same altitude.
Weaknesses: Release of new Guitar Hero is expected to decimate the pitching staff to the point where they may have to recruit random fans to close out games.
Deciding factor: Tigers management has implemented a new "pegging" rule this spring in hopes of teaching Miguel Cabrera that the whole "fat kid in dodgeball" look has its drawbacks.
Fun fact: Magglio Ordonez’s hair is so springy that the army is looking to use it in the development of special new woven bulletproof vests that will repel bullets back at assailants.
Strengths: Will undoubtedly win more games than there are fans of or players on the Kansas City Royals who are satisfied with their lives.
Weaknesses: Being in
Deciding factor: Pitching is clearly not Kyle Farnsworth’s thing, so I have no idea why they’re trying to leave him there. You wouldn’t leave David Ortiz at shortstop. Put him in his natural position: “guy who beats the hell out of the entire opposing team” where he can be put to the most use. The only reason I can think of that this hasn’t happened already is that he Farnbustered whoever tried to tell him he couldn’t pitch.
Fun fact: Addition of Coco Crisp, along with players Brian Bannister, David DeJesus and Billy Butler makes the alliteration-iest team in baseball.
Strengths: Due in part to experimental breeding techniques to multiply their “scrappy” players, have become the most frustrating team in AL Central, with a PESKY rating of 7.3
Weaknesses: A Canadian is arguably the best player on their team. This is the equivalent of a white guy being the best player on a basketball team.
Deciding factor: They almost won the AL Central by default when everybody else sucked this year, they have a chance if everybody sucks again, but even worse this time.
Fun fact: They should never have gotten rid of Tom Brunansky, that guy was money in RBI Baseball for the NES.
(Division previews inspired by The Onion Sports, The Brushback Report, Gamefaqs Forums, and various substances of questionable legality)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)