NL Central

~~NL Central~~

Cincinatti Reds
Strengths: Homer Bailey is an awesome name for a future All Star slugger. Wait, you say he’s a pitcher? Is that some kind of a sick joke?
Weaknesses: Dusty Baker is surrounded by pussies who can’t pitch 300+ innings in a season. Screw inning counts, 300 was good enough for Cy it should be good enough for these wimps.
Deciding Factor: Edinson Volquez had a great first half last year before fading into obscurity, where he joined the rest of his teammates and the entire city of Cincinatti. That should be enough motivation to drive him to success this year. Or at least forcing a trade to get him out of that hellhole.
Fun Fact: Cincinatti’s Great American Ball Park is the only major league stadium where you can bunt a homerun over the center field wall.



Chicago Cubs
Strengths: With the addition of Kevin Gregg and Aaron Heilman, the Cubs can solve the dangerous problem of having too many late game leads.
Weaknesses: Economists are examining Kosuke Fukudome as potentially the most prolific economic model of all time, as his batting average over the last season had a near perfect correlation with the Down Jones Industrial Average in the offseason.
Deciding Factor: In this division, the Cubs should have no trouble building up their fanbase’s expectations during the regular season only to crush them in their traditional manner in the playoffs like a glass at a Jewish wedding.
Fun Fact: Having exposed the racism of Canada, Cleveland, California and Texas, Milton Bradley seems to have completed his Odyssey, as he finally finds himself in a city with absolutely no history of racial conflict whatsoever.




Houston Astros
Strengths: Roy Oswalt and Lance Berkman are pretty damn awesome for guys nobody cares about.
Weaknesses: Houston can expect a return to form from set-up man LaTroy Hawkins. Unfortunately, that form sucks.
Deciding Factor: Houston signed pitcher Mike Hampton this offseason, and if he stays healthy, he could be a huge advantage for this team. That is to say, if he can stay healthy, everybody else in the world will die of shock, and with Hampton as the only surviving baseball player, Houston would win the World Series by default. Although he’d probably hurt himself taking the NLCS trophy and have to go on the DL for the World Series.
Fun Fact: What kind of ****ing name is Wandy? Wandy Rodriguez? Is that a typo?




Milwaukee Brewers
Strengths: At the end of last year, there were fears that the competition between Ben Sheets and CC Sabathia for the title of team ace could cause dissent in the clubhouse. This problem was neatly avoided by making sure that this year there are no pitchers even remotely close to ace-like, so whoever gets to be the pseudo-ace will just be happy not to be in the minor leagues.
Weaknesses: Prince Fielder on meat: 50 HR, .288/.395/.618, 156 OPS+
Prince Fielder as a vegetarian (through the end of last season): 34 HR, .276/.372/.507, 128 OPS+
At this point, even PETA wants Fielder to eat a god damn steak, because they need him to rake for their fantasy teams.
Deciding Factor: If Trevor Hoffman can continue to defy all logic and continue to rack up saves, the Brewers still wouldn’t win the division, but he would at least be able to brag about defying all logic.
Fun Fact: Ryan "The Hebrew Hammer" Braun offers a magnificent opportunity, in that Jewish people will finally have a new token athlete to mention, because we've all had enough of this Sandy Koufax bullshit.




Pittsburgh Pirates
Strengths: None
Weaknesses: Dude, they’re the Pittsburgh Pirates. Just writing about that team saps my will to live, halfway through this writeup and I already want to take a blowdryer into the tub with me. God only knows how it must feel for them, the fact that any have survived is a miracle.
Deciding Factor: The only way you’ll see anybody in the Pittsburgh clubhouse this October is if they want to use the HDTVs to watch the Steelers.
Fun Fact: In a survey in which all MLB players were asked to list the 30 MLB teams, Pittsburgh was absent from all but 4 lists, including those of Pirates players. Teams that got more mentions include the Montreal Expos, the Bad News Bears, and “that team from Bugs at Bat”




St. Louis Cardinals
Strengths: Chris Carpenter could be a great pitcher if he is able to stay healthy this year. Of course, Ted Williams could be a great hitter if he is able to stay healthy this year, but I wouldn’t be drafting him in fantasy, mainly because he’s dead.
Weaknesses: Their big offseason acquisition was Khalil Greene. The rest of the division is surely trembling in fear at his beastly .213/.260/.339 line last year.
Deciding Factor: If Tony La Russa can find the cloning facilities on Kamino and convince them to clone Albert Pujols instead of Jango Fett, then they can build an unstoppable team of Pujols, able to destroy all those who stand in their way. However, this would allow General Manager John Mozeliak to topple the feeble Bud Selig and rule as the evil Emperor of Baseball for decades of darkness. If they can manage to do this, they will not only dominate MLB for the next decade, but they will also have lived up to a far better plot than George Lucas was able to put together.
Fun Fact: St. Louis have the luxury of choosing their closer from a wide range of pitchers this spring, ranging from random prospect who got called up and pitched 40 innings last season to random prospect who got called up and pitched 10 innings last season.




(Division previews inspired by The Onion Sports, The Brushback Report, Gamefaqs Forums, and various substances of questionable legality)