NL East Preview

~~NL East~~

Atlanta Braves

Strengths: The addition of Derek Lowe with his ground ball pitching style should keep the defense busy, because got knows they won’t be doing much in the other half of the inning.

Weaknesses: Helen Keller could probably strike out less often than Jeff Francouer.

Deciding factor: Atlanta has a great chance at their division if the year is between 1995 and 2005.

Fun fact: The Braves signed Chipper Jones to a three year, $42 million extension hoping that at 36 he’ll finally grow out of those injury problems that have plagued him since he pulled a hamstring while kicking in the womb.

Florida Marlins

Strengths: Many baseball players are pressured by their fan’s expectations of their performance. Luckily for the Marlins, they have no fans, so they can stay stress free.

Weaknesses: The defense of Florida’s infield is ugly. And I’m not talking “tolerable when drunk but realize it’s a bad idea in the morning” ugly, I mean “still know it’s a horrible, horrible idea even after downing half a bottle of jaeger” ugly.

Deciding factor: The Marlins have signed Scott Proctor, so it’s only a matter of time until Joe Torre becomes their new manager.

Fun fact: The average American’s yearly salary could probably pay for the entire Marlins roster. However, the average Southeast Asian sweatshop worker’s yearly salary is definitely more than the Marlins make in ticket sales each year.

New York “LOL”Mets

Strengths: Addition of JJ Putz and Francisco Rodriguez gives Mets brand new players to teach in the ancient art of epic choking. It was getting a little boring with the same guys blowing leads in the late innings of every game.

Weaknesses: September

Deciding factor: Johan Santana treads a fine line between “kicking ass” and “kicking too much ass”. The rest of the team treads a fine line between “doing decently well until late August” and “completely and utterly crapping the bed”.

Fun fact: In the time it took me to write these analyses, the Mets could have choked away a 15-game division lead in the last month of the season.

Philadelphia Phillies

Strengths: Brett Myers lead the Phillies in punchouts last season. He was also second on the team in strikeouts.

Weaknesses: Jamie Moyer was the second best starting pitcher for the Phillies last year. The last time he was the best starting pitcher on a team, it was because the rest of the league’s pitchers were busy fighting at the Battle of Verdun.

Deciding factor: If Jayson Werth does really well again, his marketability could really take off. For example…

http://img14.imageshack.us/img14/5433/werth2.jpg

Fun fact: If Ryan Howard aged a day for each time that he struck out, he would fossilize by mid-May.

Washington Nationals

Strengths: Added Adam Dunn, a player who brings OBP, HRs, Ks, and an erection for sabremetricians everywhere.

Weaknesses: When Christian Guzman is your team’s All Star Game representative, you should pretty much give up trying to be taken seriously as a ball club.

Deciding factor: It’s the Nationals. Their deciding factor is the rules of baseball.

Fun fact: My little sister’s softball team could beat the Nationals and she doesn’t even exist.

(Division previews inspired by The Onion Sports, The Brushback Report, Gamefaqs Forums, and various substances of questionable legality)