2010 NL Central Preview

~~~~NL CENTRAL~~~~

*Chicago Cubs*
Strengths: Probably in the top ten best baseball teams in Chicago.
Weaknesses: Pattern recognition.
Deciding Factor: Insanity is sometimes defined as doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. I’m not crazy enough to think that there is any factor that will prevent the Cubs season from ending with failure, regret, and intense alcoholism.
Fun Fact: Carlos Marmol is a mohawk and that “turn-you-white” disease Michael Jackson supposedly had away from a role in a remake of “Major League”.

*Cincinatti Reds*
Strengths: Playing in Great American Ballpark with this offense and this pitching staff, you will not have to worry about very many of those boring pitchers’ duels.
Weaknesses: Micah Owings has a career 5.45 ERA and a career .879 OPS. Why the hell is he still a pitcher. That’s like making Frank Thomas a pinch runner or Kyle Farnsworth a baseball player.
Deciding Factor: Should Aroldis Chapman jump on a raft and head back to Cuba to face his penalty for defecting to the US? I’m pretty sure it would be healthier than pitching for Dusty Baker.
Fun Fact: If “Musician” Bronson Arroyo were as good as music as he was at baseball, he’d still be pretty average.

*Houston Astros*
Strengths: LaTroy Hawkins is no longer with the team, so the bullpen has almost inevitably improved.
Weaknesses: Must field at least eight players each day who are not Lance Berkman.
Deciding Factor: Starting pitcher Brett Myers has gone almost four years without being arraigned on domestic violence charge. If his rehab continues to be successful, will we have to find new jokes to make about him? I have a great one about how opposing batters usually slap him around almost as hard as he slaps his wife, and I don’t want it to go to waste.
Fun Fact: Astros shortstop Tommy Manzella has an awesome name. It sounds like some kind of manly cheese.

*Milwaukee Brewers*
Strengths: The Brewers no longer have Jason Kendall, whose OPS last year was .636. To put that in perspective, that was closer to how Oliver Perez did last year than it was to Jason Varitek.
Weaknesses: Have to play baseball in Milwaukee.
Deciding Factor: Can Trevor Hoffman get more saves this year than he gets mph on his fastball?
Fun Fact: Prince Fielder represents 50% of the African American population of Wisconsin (by volume).

*Pittsburgh Pirates*
Strengths: Pirates are nicknamed the “Buccaneers” in hopes that people will think they are a football team, think they're in the offseason, and not watch their pathetic excuse for a team.
Weaknesses: The Pirates are “rebuilding” again this year. After such devastating failure, you would think they’d have learned their lesson by now. They’re like the New Orleans of baseball teams.
Deciding Factor: The Pirates are ready to live a dream season this year. Of course, it’s like one of those dreams where you go to work without your clothes. Except they’re only wearing Pirates uniforms instead of underwear, which is far more embarrassing.
Fun Fact: Gitmo prison initially investigated playing Pirates games as a form of torture, but discontinued it in favor of waterboarding, which was believed to be more humane.

*St Louis Cardinals*
Strengths: You know when you went into the player editor in your favorite baseball game and maxed out the hitting stats on one of your players so that playing the game was basically easy mode? That’s what happened with Albert Pujols.
Weaknesses: “Carpenter and Wainwright and pray for a delayed flight” doesn’t have the same ring to it as “Spahn and Sain and pray for rain”.
Deciding Factor: http://img32.imageshack.us/img32/4990/cardinalsh.jpg
Fun Fact: When I first saw David Freese’s name, I thought it was a reference to Kevin Millar’s fake name in MVP Baseball 2005. Not as good as MLB Power Pros where he was “Great Johnson”. Hahahah Johnson.


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