2010 AL East Preview

~~~~~~AL EAST~~~~~~

*Baltimore Orioles*
Strengths: Beautiful ballpark that allows many fans the unique opportunity to get front row seats to see their team in front of a home crowd. I am of course talking about Boston and New York fans here.
Weaknesses: Kevin Millwood is their “ace”. This was a guy who wasn’t even a top of the rotation starter for the Rangers over most of the last 5 years. This includes 2008, when his team had a 5.51 starting ERA.
Deciding Factor: How many more months before Bud Selig decides to take Baltimore out behind the shed and put them out of their misery? Not just talking about the Orioles here.
Fun Fact: I tried to diss Matt Wieters here, but he is so awesome that my computer got a blue screen as soon as I started typing the blasphemous statement. On a Mac.

*Boston Red Sox*
Strengths: It is hard for batters to focus on the ball during John Lackey’s starts, because most of them would rather look away than stare at that ugly mess of a man. It’s just uncomfortable.
Weaknesses: Jacoby Ellsbury is part Native American, so you can expect him to get smallpox pretty soon or succumb to the destructive force of firewater.
Deciding Factor: How many more years can Tim Wakefield get big, stupid hitters to look silly with his fluttering bull ****? I mean, even that kid in Rookie of the Year couldn’t pull it off for more than one at bat.
Fun Fact: For years, the Red Sox were the beloved, humbled team that would inevitably finish behind the hated, entitled Yankees. Now they’re the hated, entitled Yankees lite who will inevitably finish behind the hated, entitled Yankees.

*New York Yankees*
Strengths: Between the acquisitions of Granderson and Vazquez, their offseason moves look like those unbalanced trades the computer does on Playstation where they trade Albert Pujols for Julio Lugo.
Weaknesses: For the first time since coming to New York, I have no idea who Alex Rodriguez is ****ing right now. What the hell New York media, I depend on you for my daily dose of Arod drama.
Deciding Factor: Nick Swisher had a cameo on How I Met Your Mother in the offseason. Let’s hope this taste of fame does not go to his head. The last thing we need is a prima donna in New York.
Fun Fact: The Yankees are projected to spend about $200 million on payroll this year. Of course, if you take out the $30 million in taxi rides to transport women home from Jeter’s flat, $45 million for Arod’s psychiatric care, and the $70 million it takes to feed CC Sabathia, that’s a pretty reasonable payroll.

*Tampa Bay Rays*
Strengths: Are hoping for a new outdoor stadium in the near future, in the hopes that Floridans who want to work on their tans will accidentally find their way in there.
Weaknesses: Have some good players, but they all suck in MLB Power Pros and I’m too lazy to update them.
Deciding Factor: Will you be able to read a single article about the Rays on Fangraphs this season through the Sabermetric ejaculate covering the screen?
Fun Fact: Eva Longoria jokes never get old. Unlike Pat Burrell.

*Toronto Blue Jays*
Strengths: Roy Halladay had a great opening day start.
Weaknesses: It wasn’t for the Blue Jays.
Deciding Factor: Can Vernon Wells justify his contract? Can he justify a roster spot? Hell, can he justify not being euthanized? Actually, I’m pretty sure those are all decided factors.
Fun Fact: I hear that every Canadian has a Zamboni that they ride to the baseball park. Zambonis are awesome.

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