~~AL Central~~
Strengths: With guys like Buehrle, Danks and Gavin Floyd just in the rotation,
Weaknesses: AJ Pierzynski is running out of things to say to mess with opposing batters, and has resorted to asking random questions and saying “that’s what she said” regardless of whether it makes any sense in context.
Deciding factor: The team has a chance to greatly increase its payroll due to the success of Ozzie Guillen scrabble, which introduces * as a letter and gives bonuses for the number of people insulted when you spell out a word or phrase.
Fun fact: Starting pitcher Bartolo Colon is unique in that while many people have been described as “eating enough for a small African country”,
Strengths: Lead the league in pitchers who were really good for one year and mediocre to horrible otherwise.
Weaknesses: Jhonny Peralta has such poor range at shortstop that the Indians are considering hiring Barry Bonds to replace him with the hope that his enormous head will physically block all balls hit to the left side of the diamond.
Deciding factor: Grady Sizemore’s name is suspiciously similar to Grady Little. It’s going to take more than just a few years as one of the best offensive centerfielders in baseball to convince people that this isn’t a coincidence.
Fun fact: The Indians have two of the most badass names in baseball: Asdrubal and Fausto.
Strengths: Cannot possibly disappoint more than they did last year, so it’s all uphill from here. Or at least continued progress at the same altitude.
Weaknesses: Release of new Guitar Hero is expected to decimate the pitching staff to the point where they may have to recruit random fans to close out games.
Deciding factor: Tigers management has implemented a new "pegging" rule this spring in hopes of teaching Miguel Cabrera that the whole "fat kid in dodgeball" look has its drawbacks.
Fun fact: Magglio Ordonez’s hair is so springy that the army is looking to use it in the development of special new woven bulletproof vests that will repel bullets back at assailants.
Strengths: Will undoubtedly win more games than there are fans of or players on the Kansas City Royals who are satisfied with their lives.
Weaknesses: Being in
Deciding factor: Pitching is clearly not Kyle Farnsworth’s thing, so I have no idea why they’re trying to leave him there. You wouldn’t leave David Ortiz at shortstop. Put him in his natural position: “guy who beats the hell out of the entire opposing team” where he can be put to the most use. The only reason I can think of that this hasn’t happened already is that he Farnbustered whoever tried to tell him he couldn’t pitch.
Fun fact: Addition of Coco Crisp, along with players Brian Bannister, David DeJesus and Billy Butler makes the alliteration-iest team in baseball.
Strengths: Due in part to experimental breeding techniques to multiply their “scrappy” players, have become the most frustrating team in AL Central, with a PESKY rating of 7.3
Weaknesses: A Canadian is arguably the best player on their team. This is the equivalent of a white guy being the best player on a basketball team.
Deciding factor: They almost won the AL Central by default when everybody else sucked this year, they have a chance if everybody sucks again, but even worse this time.
Fun fact: They should never have gotten rid of Tom Brunansky, that guy was money in RBI Baseball for the NES.
(Division previews inspired by The Onion Sports, The Brushback Report, Gamefaqs Forums, and various substances of questionable legality)
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