AL West

~~~~AL West~~~~

*Los Angeles Angels*
Strengths: If they can continue to win far more games than they have any right to, and as long as Roger Bomman doesn’t become an atheist, they should be able to crush a pansy ass division like the AL West.
Weaknesses: Nobody will take Chone Figgins seriously as long as he tries to insist that it’s pronounced “Shawn”. If my name were spelled Agamemnon I couldn’t just go around telling people that it’s pronounced “Steve”.
Deciding Factor: Bobby Abreu did not prove to be a “true Yankee”, however, he has a chance to become a “true Angel” if he can dominate his division in the regular season and then choke in the playoffs. In related news, ARod was recently declared an honorary Angel.
Fun Fact: Vladimir Guerrero remains the only player to hit a homerun on an attempted pickoff throw to first.


*Oakland Athletics*
Strengths: Dallas Braden has a really manly name, unlike teammate and suspected girly man Dana Eveland. When I see Dallas Braden I think of a muscley guy prepared to kick your ass. When I see Dana Eveland I wonder if ESPN is screening “A League of Their Own”.
Weaknesses: The Athletics were unable to get enough funding for a project which sought to make their stadium more environmentally friendly by powering it with wind turbines powered by the gusts caused by Jack Cust swinging and missing.
Deciding Factor: Many expected the Athletics’ signing of superstar players and giving up prospects to herald the end of the world. Watch out for other signs like black dressed horsemen, false prophets, and fans in the ballpark after the seventh inning.
Fun Fact: Jason Giambi is so oily that had he been present in Jerusalem after the Maccabees defeated the Seleucids, he’d have fueled the eternal flame for months and Hannukah would be a year round celebration.

*Seattle Mariners*
Strengths: The honeymoon following the signing of Ken Griffey Jr. should be enough to keep suicide rates down among the Mariners' fans, though they probably won’t drop as low as the Mariners’ win percentage.
Weaknesses: Ichiro Suzuki is #1 on the depth chart at every position, but due to some silly rule can only play at one of them in each game.
Deciding Factor: Erik Bedard better pull himself together this season if he wants any chance of scoring mad pussy ever again. I hear that guy banged half of Baltimore. No idea why you'd ever want to though...
Fun Fact: Seattle acquired David Aardsma from the Red Sox, meaning that they will have the first player in every single alphabetical listing of MLB players. I mean, the dude’s name comes before Aardvark in the dictionary, how crazy is that?

*Texas Rangers*
Strengths: Between moving Young to third, calling up Elvis Andrus, signing Omar Vizquel as a backup and the hope of Ian Kinsler rebounding on defense, the Rangers defense should greatly improve in their ability to watch every other pitch to the opposing team end up in the bleachers.
Weaknesses: The Rangers had a 5.15 bullpen ERA last year. On most teams, you would think that was pathetic, but it was better than the ERA of their starting rotation, which was led by their “Ace” with a 5.07 ERA. I don’t even need to make a joke, the Rangers pitching IS a punchline.
Deciding Factor: The Rangers signed Andruw Jones this offseason. Their best hope is that he gets a horrible concussion, developing retrograde amnesia so he completely forgets his last two or three seasons. Of course, Dodgers and Braves fans have been banging their heads against walls for the last two years just hoping to get amnesia of Jones' performance for them and haven't had much luck.
Fun Fact: Josh Hamilton will suffer a tremendous blow this season when it turns out that he never had drug problems and it was just a publicity stunt, losing him support from the legions of Narcotics Anonymous members, which is a substantial population seeing as Rangers pitching is the leading cause of hardcore drug use in Texas.

(Division previews inspired by The Onion Sports, The Brushback Report, Gamefaqs Forums, and various substances of questionable legality)