2010 NL West Preview

~~~~~NL WEST~~~~~

*Arizona Diamondbacks*
Strengths: Great mix of players who have shown lots of potential (Justin Upton), players I hear have lots of potential (Miguel Montero) and players who I used to hear had a lot of potential but nowadays would go undrafted in a 30 team fantasy league (Adam LaRoche).
Weaknesses: Brandon Webb starts the season on the disabled list and isn’t expected to join the team for a few months. Which means he’s on schedule to start making a positive contribution almost a year before the bullpen.
Deciding Factor: Will any member of the Arizona rotation get more strikeouts this year than Mark Reynolds?
Fun Fact: Unlike famous Red Sox player Bill Buckner, Arizona pitcher Billy Buckner does not have problems with balls going through his legs, as they’re all busy flying over his head. And the heads of the outfielders. And the fans. Wait, that douche got demoted? Screw that ****, this Fun Fact is staying.

BONUS WEAKNESS (Courtesy of Sir Chris): Brandon Webb is expected to spend the first several months of the season on the disabled list. So his pitches will start sinking about two months after his team’s playoff hopes.


*Colorado Rockies*
Strengths: For this distinctively Christian organization, that would be the power of Christ. And the power of Troy Tulowitzki, though some Colorado fans would assert that the previous statements are redundant.
Weaknesses: Due to beard-related paranoia, Todd Helton is not allowed to play basball within 100 yards of a school building.
Deciding Factor: Will the Rockies have a big publicity stunt where they allow blind kids to play right field instead of Brad Hawpe? It’d be great for public relations, and even better for their defense.
Fun Fact: I hear that if you smoke weed at higher altitudes, you get a lot higher, so you can get higher for cheaper. Which explains a lot about Colorado in general.

*Los Angeles Dodgers*
Strengths: Manny Ramirez and Andre Ethier’s offensive prowess can turn outs into hits, and doubles into homers.
Weaknesses: Manny Ramirez and Andre Ethier’s defensive prowess can turns outs into hits, and doubles into inside the park homers.
Deciding Factor: Who gets to be Joe Torre’s honorary Scott Proctor? I’m hoping its Scott Proctor. He’s making a comeback with the Braves, though if he knows what’s good for him he has a contract stipulation that he can not be traded to any team managed by Joe Torre.
Fun Fact: Matt Kemp is currently dating Rihanna. I would think she would date James Loney, because that guy never seems to hit for power.

*San Diego Padres*
Strengths: Padres baseball is a great cure for insomnia. I fell asleep just writing this.
Weaknesses: Despite the name, no relation to Carmen Sandiego.
Deciding Factor: When will we get the All Star Game at PETCO? That home run derby will be hilarious.
Fun Fact: The Padres could be a league average team this year, if that league is Little League in some country defined by baseball mediocrity, like Canada.

*San Francisco Giants*
Strengths: Joe West recently complained about the length of Red Sox / Yankees games, the usually high scoring affairs between two teams that play like every game is a playoff game. With the combination of the Giants’ pitching and offense, you can expect to be in and out of the stadium in under an hour for the average game as nobody scores any runs and nobody wants to stick around there any longer than they have to.
Weaknesses: I could put together a better lineup than this for under $100. Seriously guys, craigslist that ****.
Deciding Factor: Bengie Molina is the SLOW Molina brother. What the hell will the Giants do if he actually starts taking walks? Whoever bats behind him will be hitting into force outs off the right field fence.
Fun Fact: Current PECOTA projections show that by 2014, Tim Lincecum will be 50% hair by volume.

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NL West Preview

~~NL West~~

Arizona Diamondbacks
Strengths: Stephen Drew has yet to display the frailty and girly parts that characterize his older brother Nancy.

Weaknesses: The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon could probably pitch better than her namesake at this point.

Deciding factor: Starting rotation has the opportunity to keep the deficit in each game manageable for the mediocre offense until the bullpen comes in and does their best impression of Nagasaki.

Fun fact: Whenever I see Brandon Webb’s name and am trying to think of a fun fact to put in an NL West preseason preview, I think of Spiderman, and how awesome it’d be if Spiderman played in the MLB. Hell, I’d even watch Toby McGwire play in the MLB with no powers, because there’s no way that his baseball career could be worse than Spiderman 3.

Colorado Rockies

Strengths: Jeff Francis is a legitimate ace with a 4.74 career ERA, which after applying the Coors Field conversion factor is about a -327.00 ERA.

Weaknesses: The Rockies had a magical run to the World Series in 2007, winning 21 of their last 22. Unfortunately, the club’s strict Christian management believe all magic to be occult and have banned it from their team, to be replaced by good, moral, soul-crushing beatdowns at the hands of whatever other joke teams are in the semi-professional "national" league that they’re in.

Deciding factor: Troy Tulowitzki can either come back as the badass guy who hammered balls and snagged line drives or the wimpy little girl whose gets boo-boos when he can’t control the piece of wood that is the basis of his entire career.

Fun fact: Todd Helton’s beard has better range than Derek Jeter.

Los Angeles Dodgers

Strengths: Dodgers fans can expect good things from Juan Pierre if it turns out that he was recently released after being kidnapped in 1999 and had no relation to the impostor who has been playing for the last decade.

Weaknesses: Russ Martin is playing for Team Canada in this year’s World Baseball Classic, which should be enough to remind him that his career is a lost cause.

Deciding factor: Los Angeles will be in good shape as long as they keep Manny Ramirez happy by giving him everything he wants. Just hope he doesn’t ask to play shortstop, get a chance to ride the unicorns, or play in a quality division.

Fun fact: The Dodgers have found a way to battle economic hard times by selling tickets that are only good for the first two innings and last two innings, a time period where they have a surplus of empty seats.

San Diego Padres
Strengths: Signing of David Eckstein gives them a league leading HEART score of 17 and a NL West best GRIT factor of 2i^3.

Weaknesses: Some guy I’ve never heard of called Adrian Gonzalez plays at first, who might have had a shot at a career if he didn’t get signed by the Padres.

Deciding factor: If the other 15 teams in the National League disband, the Padres would have a roughly 20% chance of making the World Series.

Fun fact: If the goal of the game was to have more runs than your opponent at the end of 9 innings, the Padres would be in horrible shape.

San Francisco Giants
Strengths: In the unlikely event that you are ever at AT&T Park for a Giants game, there are as usually 9 discrete, 15-minute breaks in the action to get concessions or go to the bathroom that conveniently start right after the last opposing batter of an inning makes an out and then end right before the first opposing batter of the next inning comes to bat.

Weaknesses: Team is slightly imbalanced by the lack of players with between 5 and 5000 games worth of experience.

Deciding factor: Matt Cain’s W-L record will actually turn out to be the greatest practical joke in San Francisco history, so he’ll have two choices. Laugh it off and get the 15-20 wins he deserves with his ERA, or go on a homicidal massacre of all of his teammates, forcing the Giants to hire a completely new 25-man roster. Either way, the Giant would be much better off.

Fun fact: The only way pitcher Tim Lincecum could have been more dominating last year would have been if he had had the opportunity to pitch against the Giants a few times.

(Division previews inspired by The Onion Sports, The Brushback Report, Gamefaqs Forums, and various substances of questionable legality)