Welcome to year two of our in depth, 100% guaranteed accurate MLB season predictions.
~~~~~~AL West~~~~~~
*Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim*
Strengths: Joe Saunders can be depended upon for around 200 innings, 15-18 wins and a ~3.50 ERA if the year is 2008.
Weaknesses: There is a 75% chance that Howie Kendrick injured himself while you were reading this sentence.
Deciding factor: If Jered Weaver does not repeat last year’s solid performance, the Angels could be in trouble when I fly out and stab him for screwing over my fantasy team.
Fun fact: This is the first year I have managed to avoid a Chode Figgins joke in my Angels writeup.
*Los Angeles Athletics of Oakland *
Strengths: If the other team’s starting lineup doesn’t show up, Oakland might actually eek out a few ties this year.
Weaknesses: Last year, Kurt Suzuki hit 15 homers (2nd on the team) with a .313 OBP. In Oakland, that’s a good argument for batting cleanup.
Deciding factor: The only way this team will have any fire in it is if Raiders fans come to games and actually set **** on fire.
Fun fact: As perhaps the longest standing bastion of sabermetrics in baseball, the Athletics’ idea of fun involves a quiet, romantic night of passionate interactions with an excel spreadsheet.
*Los Angeles Mariners of Seattle *
Strengths: This team will be in great shape if Ken Griffey Jr can return to his “Ken Griffey Jr Presents Major League Baseball” SNES form.
Weaknesses: Chode Figgins’ parents' baby-naming abilities.
Deciding factor: The success of the Seattle season will be determined by how long it takes for Milton Bradley to realize that there are a ****load of white people in Seattle.
Fun fact: More people will go to Washington this year to see the town mentioned in Twilight than to see the Mariners. That’s not as much “fun” as “incredibly, mindblowingly depressing”.
*Los Angeles Rangers of Texas *
Strengths: Vladimir Guerrero is like the Happy Gilmore of baseball. In that he’s really, really good at golf.
Weaknesses: Chris Davis averaged a strike out every other at bat in his last minor league stint. To be fair though, that T-ball league has more pitching talent than the Rangers did in most of the last decade.
Deciding factor: If Texas keeps Rich Harden in a plastic bubble in a padded room between starts, they might be able to get a half dozen starts out of him this year.
Fun fact: If talent were directly proportionate to letters in surnames, Jarrod Saltalamacchia might actually be worthwhile to spell.
==Quick Links==
~~2010 Predictions~~
2010 AL East Preview
2010 AL Central Preview
2010 AL West Preview
2010 NL East Preview
2010 NL Central Preview
2010 NL West Preview
~~2009 Predictions~~
2009 AL East Preview
2009 AL Central Preview
2009 AL West Preview
2009 NL East Preview
2009 NL Central Preview
2009 NL West Preview
Showing posts with label Angels. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Angels. Show all posts
Monday, April 5, 2010
Sunday, April 12, 2009
AL West
~~~~AL West~~~~
*Los Angeles Angels*
Strengths: If they can continue to win far more games than they have any right to, and as long as Roger Bomman doesn’t become an atheist, they should be able to crush a pansy ass division like the AL West.
Weaknesses: Nobody will take Chone Figgins seriously as long as he tries to insist that it’s pronounced “Shawn”. If my name were spelled Agamemnon I couldn’t just go around telling people that it’s pronounced “Steve”.
Deciding Factor: Bobby Abreu did not prove to be a “true Yankee”, however, he has a chance to become a “true Angel” if he can dominate his division in the regular season and then choke in the playoffs. In related news, ARod was recently declared an honorary Angel.
Fun Fact: Vladimir Guerrero remains the only player to hit a homerun on an attempted pickoff throw to first.
*Oakland Athletics*
Strengths: Dallas Braden has a really manly name, unlike teammate and suspected girly man Dana Eveland. When I see Dallas Braden I think of a muscley guy prepared to kick your ass. When I see Dana Eveland I wonder if ESPN is screening “A League of Their Own”.
Weaknesses: The Athletics were unable to get enough funding for a project which sought to make their stadium more environmentally friendly by powering it with wind turbines powered by the gusts caused by Jack Cust swinging and missing.
Deciding Factor: Many expected the Athletics’ signing of superstar players and giving up prospects to herald the end of the world. Watch out for other signs like black dressed horsemen, false prophets, and fans in the ballpark after the seventh inning.
Fun Fact: Jason Giambi is so oily that had he been present in Jerusalem after the Maccabees defeated the Seleucids, he’d have fueled the eternal flame for months and Hannukah would be a year round celebration.
*Seattle Mariners*
Strengths: The honeymoon following the signing of Ken Griffey Jr. should be enough to keep suicide rates down among the Mariners' fans, though they probably won’t drop as low as the Mariners’ win percentage.
Weaknesses: Ichiro Suzuki is #1 on the depth chart at every position, but due to some silly rule can only play at one of them in each game.
Deciding Factor: Erik Bedard better pull himself together this season if he wants any chance of scoring mad pussy ever again. I hear that guy banged half of Baltimore. No idea why you'd ever want to though...
Fun Fact: Seattle acquired David Aardsma from the Red Sox, meaning that they will have the first player in every single alphabetical listing of MLB players. I mean, the dude’s name comes before Aardvark in the dictionary, how crazy is that?
*Texas Rangers*
Strengths: Between moving Young to third, calling up Elvis Andrus, signing Omar Vizquel as a backup and the hope of Ian Kinsler rebounding on defense, the Rangers defense should greatly improve in their ability to watch every other pitch to the opposing team end up in the bleachers.
Weaknesses: The Rangers had a 5.15 bullpen ERA last year. On most teams, you would think that was pathetic, but it was better than the ERA of their starting rotation, which was led by their “Ace” with a 5.07 ERA. I don’t even need to make a joke, the Rangers pitching IS a punchline.
Deciding Factor: The Rangers signed Andruw Jones this offseason. Their best hope is that he gets a horrible concussion, developing retrograde amnesia so he completely forgets his last two or three seasons. Of course, Dodgers and Braves fans have been banging their heads against walls for the last two years just hoping to get amnesia of Jones' performance for them and haven't had much luck.
Fun Fact: Josh Hamilton will suffer a tremendous blow this season when it turns out that he never had drug problems and it was just a publicity stunt, losing him support from the legions of Narcotics Anonymous members, which is a substantial population seeing as Rangers pitching is the leading cause of hardcore drug use in Texas.
(Division previews inspired by The Onion Sports, The Brushback Report, Gamefaqs Forums, and various substances of questionable legality)
*Los Angeles Angels*
Strengths: If they can continue to win far more games than they have any right to, and as long as Roger Bomman doesn’t become an atheist, they should be able to crush a pansy ass division like the AL West.
Weaknesses: Nobody will take Chone Figgins seriously as long as he tries to insist that it’s pronounced “Shawn”. If my name were spelled Agamemnon I couldn’t just go around telling people that it’s pronounced “Steve”.
Deciding Factor: Bobby Abreu did not prove to be a “true Yankee”, however, he has a chance to become a “true Angel” if he can dominate his division in the regular season and then choke in the playoffs. In related news, ARod was recently declared an honorary Angel.
Fun Fact: Vladimir Guerrero remains the only player to hit a homerun on an attempted pickoff throw to first.
*Oakland Athletics*
Strengths: Dallas Braden has a really manly name, unlike teammate and suspected girly man Dana Eveland. When I see Dallas Braden I think of a muscley guy prepared to kick your ass. When I see Dana Eveland I wonder if ESPN is screening “A League of Their Own”.
Weaknesses: The Athletics were unable to get enough funding for a project which sought to make their stadium more environmentally friendly by powering it with wind turbines powered by the gusts caused by Jack Cust swinging and missing.
Deciding Factor: Many expected the Athletics’ signing of superstar players and giving up prospects to herald the end of the world. Watch out for other signs like black dressed horsemen, false prophets, and fans in the ballpark after the seventh inning.
Fun Fact: Jason Giambi is so oily that had he been present in Jerusalem after the Maccabees defeated the Seleucids, he’d have fueled the eternal flame for months and Hannukah would be a year round celebration.
*Seattle Mariners*
Strengths: The honeymoon following the signing of Ken Griffey Jr. should be enough to keep suicide rates down among the Mariners' fans, though they probably won’t drop as low as the Mariners’ win percentage.
Weaknesses: Ichiro Suzuki is #1 on the depth chart at every position, but due to some silly rule can only play at one of them in each game.
Deciding Factor: Erik Bedard better pull himself together this season if he wants any chance of scoring mad pussy ever again. I hear that guy banged half of Baltimore. No idea why you'd ever want to though...
Fun Fact: Seattle acquired David Aardsma from the Red Sox, meaning that they will have the first player in every single alphabetical listing of MLB players. I mean, the dude’s name comes before Aardvark in the dictionary, how crazy is that?
*Texas Rangers*
Strengths: Between moving Young to third, calling up Elvis Andrus, signing Omar Vizquel as a backup and the hope of Ian Kinsler rebounding on defense, the Rangers defense should greatly improve in their ability to watch every other pitch to the opposing team end up in the bleachers.
Weaknesses: The Rangers had a 5.15 bullpen ERA last year. On most teams, you would think that was pathetic, but it was better than the ERA of their starting rotation, which was led by their “Ace” with a 5.07 ERA. I don’t even need to make a joke, the Rangers pitching IS a punchline.
Deciding Factor: The Rangers signed Andruw Jones this offseason. Their best hope is that he gets a horrible concussion, developing retrograde amnesia so he completely forgets his last two or three seasons. Of course, Dodgers and Braves fans have been banging their heads against walls for the last two years just hoping to get amnesia of Jones' performance for them and haven't had much luck.
Fun Fact: Josh Hamilton will suffer a tremendous blow this season when it turns out that he never had drug problems and it was just a publicity stunt, losing him support from the legions of Narcotics Anonymous members, which is a substantial population seeing as Rangers pitching is the leading cause of hardcore drug use in Texas.
(Division previews inspired by The Onion Sports, The Brushback Report, Gamefaqs Forums, and various substances of questionable legality)
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