~~~~~NL EAST~~~~~
*Atlanta Braves *
Strengths: Signed Eric Hinske, so they are pretty much a lock for a World Series appearance.
Weaknesses: Brian McCann got special glasses last year to help correct his vision and improve his hitting. Unfortunately, this improvement is counteracted by the constant battering of his self-esteem from being called “four eyes” in the locker room.
Deciding Factor: Chipper Jones could have a great year if he stays healthy. In related news, the Braves could afford a much higher payroll if they won the lottery ten times in the next week, which is probably about as likely to happen.
Fun Fact: As the career leader in managerial ejections, Bobby Cox has been had so many early departures from ballgames that he has been made an honorary Dodgers fan.
*Florida Marlins*
Strengths: Going to a Marlins game is basically a cheaper alternative to a tanning booth, as you end up being there alone, getting plenty of sun, and with a bit of ambient noise and distractions that you can tune out with a pair of headphones.
Weaknesses: Remember when Hanley Ramirez was a guy who could not field for his life, but he could hit for average, blast homers, and steal bases? Well, Dan Uggla is that except for the hitting for average and stealing bases.
Deciding Factor: Will the Marlins manage to spend as much on their healthy players this year as the Mets spend on their disabled list?
Fun Fact: I chose Florida as one of my big upset picks in my March Madness Bracket, but that didn’t pan out. I guess that explains why the Marlins don’t play basketball very often.
Fun Fact 2: http://img249.imageshack.us/img249/5624/marlinslost.jpg
*New York Mets*
Strengths: The US military is recruiting Mets fans as battlefield messengers, knowing that if they are captured by the enemy, you can depend on them to hold up to interrogation, because after the past four years, they’re used to prolonged periods of rigorous torture.
Weaknesses: Citifield sapped David Wright’s power almost as much as the Mets’ play sapped their fans’ will to live.
Deciding Factor: Can Johan Santana invent a time machine and exercise his no-trade clause on his move to the Mets? That’s probably the only way to save his career.
Fun Fact: Obama’s new Health Care legislation is estimated to cost somewhere between $800 and $950 billion over the next ten years. So about half of what the Mets spend on health care in a season.
*Philadelphia Phillies*
Strengths: The Phillies signed workhorse Roy Halladay in the offseason with the knowledge that their best chance at success this year is to have the rotation make sure the bullpen never touches the ball, like a season long game of keep away with the fat kid in gym class.
Weaknesses: Brad Lidge starts this year on the DL. I know what some of you are thinking, that’s actually a strength. But Brad Lidge can actually blow saves pretty efficiently without even being on the active roster, so the weakness is that the Phillies haven’t shipped him off into outer space. .
Deciding Factor: Nobody cares how many homers Ryan Howard has in the Homerun Derby this year, the real betting action is on how many walks and strikeouts he gets in the competition.
Fun Fact: After being disappointing for most of last season, Jamie Moyer lost his starting job to Pedro Martinez after an August 9th loss to the Marlins. Pedro went on to pitch three games before Moyer’s last pitch of the outing reached the plate.
*Washington Nationals*
Strengths: Great position in draft for the next 15 years.
Weaknesses: You know that clichéd line about giving it 110%? If everybody on the Nationals did that, their talent would only be about 60% less than league average.
Deciding Factor: If Stephen Strasburg lives up to all the hype and becomes the best pitcher of his generation, Nationals fans can look forward to watching him pitch in a World Series game in six or seven years when he goes to a legitimate team.
Fun Fact: They have a pitcher named Craig Stammen. How does a family get named after plant genitalia?
==Quick Links==
~~2010 Predictions~~
2010 AL East Preview
2010 AL Central Preview
2010 AL West Preview
2010 NL East Preview
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2010 NL West Preview
~~2009 Predictions~~
2009 AL East Preview
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2009 NL East Preview
2009 NL Central Preview
2009 NL West Preview
Friday, April 16, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
2010 NL Central Preview
~~~~NL CENTRAL~~~~
*Chicago Cubs*
Strengths: Probably in the top ten best baseball teams in Chicago.
Weaknesses: Pattern recognition.
Deciding Factor: Insanity is sometimes defined as doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. I’m not crazy enough to think that there is any factor that will prevent the Cubs season from ending with failure, regret, and intense alcoholism.
Fun Fact: Carlos Marmol is a mohawk and that “turn-you-white” disease Michael Jackson supposedly had away from a role in a remake of “Major League”.
*Cincinatti Reds*
Strengths: Playing in Great American Ballpark with this offense and this pitching staff, you will not have to worry about very many of those boring pitchers’ duels.
Weaknesses: Micah Owings has a career 5.45 ERA and a career .879 OPS. Why the hell is he still a pitcher. That’s like making Frank Thomas a pinch runner or Kyle Farnsworth a baseball player.
Deciding Factor: Should Aroldis Chapman jump on a raft and head back to Cuba to face his penalty for defecting to the US? I’m pretty sure it would be healthier than pitching for Dusty Baker.
Fun Fact: If “Musician” Bronson Arroyo were as good as music as he was at baseball, he’d still be pretty average.
*Houston Astros*
Strengths: LaTroy Hawkins is no longer with the team, so the bullpen has almost inevitably improved.
Weaknesses: Must field at least eight players each day who are not Lance Berkman.
Deciding Factor: Starting pitcher Brett Myers has gone almost four years without being arraigned on domestic violence charge. If his rehab continues to be successful, will we have to find new jokes to make about him? I have a great one about how opposing batters usually slap him around almost as hard as he slaps his wife, and I don’t want it to go to waste.
Fun Fact: Astros shortstop Tommy Manzella has an awesome name. It sounds like some kind of manly cheese.
*Milwaukee Brewers*
Strengths: The Brewers no longer have Jason Kendall, whose OPS last year was .636. To put that in perspective, that was closer to how Oliver Perez did last year than it was to Jason Varitek.
Weaknesses: Have to play baseball in Milwaukee.
Deciding Factor: Can Trevor Hoffman get more saves this year than he gets mph on his fastball?
Fun Fact: Prince Fielder represents 50% of the African American population of Wisconsin (by volume).
*Pittsburgh Pirates*
Strengths: Pirates are nicknamed the “Buccaneers” in hopes that people will think they are a football team, think they're in the offseason, and not watch their pathetic excuse for a team.
Weaknesses: The Pirates are “rebuilding” again this year. After such devastating failure, you would think they’d have learned their lesson by now. They’re like the New Orleans of baseball teams.
Deciding Factor: The Pirates are ready to live a dream season this year. Of course, it’s like one of those dreams where you go to work without your clothes. Except they’re only wearing Pirates uniforms instead of underwear, which is far more embarrassing.
Fun Fact: Gitmo prison initially investigated playing Pirates games as a form of torture, but discontinued it in favor of waterboarding, which was believed to be more humane.
*St Louis Cardinals*
Strengths: You know when you went into the player editor in your favorite baseball game and maxed out the hitting stats on one of your players so that playing the game was basically easy mode? That’s what happened with Albert Pujols.
Weaknesses: “Carpenter and Wainwright and pray for a delayed flight” doesn’t have the same ring to it as “Spahn and Sain and pray for rain”.
Deciding Factor: http://img32.imageshack.us/img32/4990/cardinalsh.jpg
Fun Fact: When I first saw David Freese’s name, I thought it was a reference to Kevin Millar’s fake name in MVP Baseball 2005. Not as good as MLB Power Pros where he was “Great Johnson”. Hahahah Johnson.
==Quick Links==
~~2010 Predictions~~
2010 AL East Preview
2010 AL Central Preview
2010 AL West Preview
2010 NL East Preview
2010 NL Central Preview
2010 NL West Preview
~~2009 Predictions~~
2009 AL East Preview
2009 AL Central Preview
2009 AL West Preview
2009 NL East Preview
2009 NL Central Preview
2009 NL West Preview
*Chicago Cubs*
Strengths: Probably in the top ten best baseball teams in Chicago.
Weaknesses: Pattern recognition.
Deciding Factor: Insanity is sometimes defined as doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. I’m not crazy enough to think that there is any factor that will prevent the Cubs season from ending with failure, regret, and intense alcoholism.
Fun Fact: Carlos Marmol is a mohawk and that “turn-you-white” disease Michael Jackson supposedly had away from a role in a remake of “Major League”.
*Cincinatti Reds*
Strengths: Playing in Great American Ballpark with this offense and this pitching staff, you will not have to worry about very many of those boring pitchers’ duels.
Weaknesses: Micah Owings has a career 5.45 ERA and a career .879 OPS. Why the hell is he still a pitcher. That’s like making Frank Thomas a pinch runner or Kyle Farnsworth a baseball player.
Deciding Factor: Should Aroldis Chapman jump on a raft and head back to Cuba to face his penalty for defecting to the US? I’m pretty sure it would be healthier than pitching for Dusty Baker.
Fun Fact: If “Musician” Bronson Arroyo were as good as music as he was at baseball, he’d still be pretty average.
*Houston Astros*
Strengths: LaTroy Hawkins is no longer with the team, so the bullpen has almost inevitably improved.
Weaknesses: Must field at least eight players each day who are not Lance Berkman.
Deciding Factor: Starting pitcher Brett Myers has gone almost four years without being arraigned on domestic violence charge. If his rehab continues to be successful, will we have to find new jokes to make about him? I have a great one about how opposing batters usually slap him around almost as hard as he slaps his wife, and I don’t want it to go to waste.
Fun Fact: Astros shortstop Tommy Manzella has an awesome name. It sounds like some kind of manly cheese.
*Milwaukee Brewers*
Strengths: The Brewers no longer have Jason Kendall, whose OPS last year was .636. To put that in perspective, that was closer to how Oliver Perez did last year than it was to Jason Varitek.
Weaknesses: Have to play baseball in Milwaukee.
Deciding Factor: Can Trevor Hoffman get more saves this year than he gets mph on his fastball?
Fun Fact: Prince Fielder represents 50% of the African American population of Wisconsin (by volume).
*Pittsburgh Pirates*
Strengths: Pirates are nicknamed the “Buccaneers” in hopes that people will think they are a football team, think they're in the offseason, and not watch their pathetic excuse for a team.
Weaknesses: The Pirates are “rebuilding” again this year. After such devastating failure, you would think they’d have learned their lesson by now. They’re like the New Orleans of baseball teams.
Deciding Factor: The Pirates are ready to live a dream season this year. Of course, it’s like one of those dreams where you go to work without your clothes. Except they’re only wearing Pirates uniforms instead of underwear, which is far more embarrassing.
Fun Fact: Gitmo prison initially investigated playing Pirates games as a form of torture, but discontinued it in favor of waterboarding, which was believed to be more humane.
*St Louis Cardinals*
Strengths: You know when you went into the player editor in your favorite baseball game and maxed out the hitting stats on one of your players so that playing the game was basically easy mode? That’s what happened with Albert Pujols.
Weaknesses: “Carpenter and Wainwright and pray for a delayed flight” doesn’t have the same ring to it as “Spahn and Sain and pray for rain”.
Deciding Factor: http://img32.imageshack.us/img32/4990/cardinalsh.jpg
Fun Fact: When I first saw David Freese’s name, I thought it was a reference to Kevin Millar’s fake name in MVP Baseball 2005. Not as good as MLB Power Pros where he was “Great Johnson”. Hahahah Johnson.
==Quick Links==
~~2010 Predictions~~
2010 AL East Preview
2010 AL Central Preview
2010 AL West Preview
2010 NL East Preview
2010 NL Central Preview
2010 NL West Preview
~~2009 Predictions~~
2009 AL East Preview
2009 AL Central Preview
2009 AL West Preview
2009 NL East Preview
2009 NL Central Preview
2009 NL West Preview
Sunday, April 11, 2010
2010 NL West Preview
~~~~~NL WEST~~~~~
*Arizona Diamondbacks*
Strengths: Great mix of players who have shown lots of potential (Justin Upton), players I hear have lots of potential (Miguel Montero) and players who I used to hear had a lot of potential but nowadays would go undrafted in a 30 team fantasy league (Adam LaRoche).
Weaknesses: Brandon Webb starts the season on the disabled list and isn’t expected to join the team for a few months. Which means he’s on schedule to start making a positive contribution almost a year before the bullpen.
Deciding Factor: Will any member of the Arizona rotation get more strikeouts this year than Mark Reynolds?
Fun Fact: Unlike famous Red Sox player Bill Buckner, Arizona pitcher Billy Buckner does not have problems with balls going through his legs, as they’re all busy flying over his head. And the heads of the outfielders. And the fans. Wait, that douche got demoted? Screw that ****, this Fun Fact is staying.
BONUS WEAKNESS (Courtesy of Sir Chris): Brandon Webb is expected to spend the first several months of the season on the disabled list. So his pitches will start sinking about two months after his team’s playoff hopes.
*Colorado Rockies*
Strengths: For this distinctively Christian organization, that would be the power of Christ. And the power of Troy Tulowitzki, though some Colorado fans would assert that the previous statements are redundant.
Weaknesses: Due to beard-related paranoia, Todd Helton is not allowed to play basball within 100 yards of a school building.
Deciding Factor: Will the Rockies have a big publicity stunt where they allow blind kids to play right field instead of Brad Hawpe? It’d be great for public relations, and even better for their defense.
Fun Fact: I hear that if you smoke weed at higher altitudes, you get a lot higher, so you can get higher for cheaper. Which explains a lot about Colorado in general.
*Los Angeles Dodgers*
Strengths: Manny Ramirez and Andre Ethier’s offensive prowess can turn outs into hits, and doubles into homers.
Weaknesses: Manny Ramirez and Andre Ethier’s defensive prowess can turns outs into hits, and doubles into inside the park homers.
Deciding Factor: Who gets to be Joe Torre’s honorary Scott Proctor? I’m hoping its Scott Proctor. He’s making a comeback with the Braves, though if he knows what’s good for him he has a contract stipulation that he can not be traded to any team managed by Joe Torre.
Fun Fact: Matt Kemp is currently dating Rihanna. I would think she would date James Loney, because that guy never seems to hit for power.
*San Diego Padres*
Strengths: Padres baseball is a great cure for insomnia. I fell asleep just writing this.
Weaknesses: Despite the name, no relation to Carmen Sandiego.
Deciding Factor: When will we get the All Star Game at PETCO? That home run derby will be hilarious.
Fun Fact: The Padres could be a league average team this year, if that league is Little League in some country defined by baseball mediocrity, like Canada.
*San Francisco Giants*
Strengths: Joe West recently complained about the length of Red Sox / Yankees games, the usually high scoring affairs between two teams that play like every game is a playoff game. With the combination of the Giants’ pitching and offense, you can expect to be in and out of the stadium in under an hour for the average game as nobody scores any runs and nobody wants to stick around there any longer than they have to.
Weaknesses: I could put together a better lineup than this for under $100. Seriously guys, craigslist that ****.
Deciding Factor: Bengie Molina is the SLOW Molina brother. What the hell will the Giants do if he actually starts taking walks? Whoever bats behind him will be hitting into force outs off the right field fence.
Fun Fact: Current PECOTA projections show that by 2014, Tim Lincecum will be 50% hair by volume.
==Quick Links==
~~2010 Predictions~~
2010 AL East Preview
2010 AL Central Preview
2010 AL West Preview
2010 NL East Preview
2010 NL Central Preview
2010 NL West Preview
~~2009 Predictions~~
2009 AL East Preview
2009 AL Central Preview
2009 AL West Preview
2009 NL East Preview
2009 NL Central Preview
2009 NL West Preview
*Arizona Diamondbacks*
Strengths: Great mix of players who have shown lots of potential (Justin Upton), players I hear have lots of potential (Miguel Montero) and players who I used to hear had a lot of potential but nowadays would go undrafted in a 30 team fantasy league (Adam LaRoche).
Weaknesses: Brandon Webb starts the season on the disabled list and isn’t expected to join the team for a few months. Which means he’s on schedule to start making a positive contribution almost a year before the bullpen.
Deciding Factor: Will any member of the Arizona rotation get more strikeouts this year than Mark Reynolds?
Fun Fact: Unlike famous Red Sox player Bill Buckner, Arizona pitcher Billy Buckner does not have problems with balls going through his legs, as they’re all busy flying over his head. And the heads of the outfielders. And the fans. Wait, that douche got demoted? Screw that ****, this Fun Fact is staying.
BONUS WEAKNESS (Courtesy of Sir Chris): Brandon Webb is expected to spend the first several months of the season on the disabled list. So his pitches will start sinking about two months after his team’s playoff hopes.
*Colorado Rockies*
Strengths: For this distinctively Christian organization, that would be the power of Christ. And the power of Troy Tulowitzki, though some Colorado fans would assert that the previous statements are redundant.
Weaknesses: Due to beard-related paranoia, Todd Helton is not allowed to play basball within 100 yards of a school building.
Deciding Factor: Will the Rockies have a big publicity stunt where they allow blind kids to play right field instead of Brad Hawpe? It’d be great for public relations, and even better for their defense.
Fun Fact: I hear that if you smoke weed at higher altitudes, you get a lot higher, so you can get higher for cheaper. Which explains a lot about Colorado in general.
*Los Angeles Dodgers*
Strengths: Manny Ramirez and Andre Ethier’s offensive prowess can turn outs into hits, and doubles into homers.
Weaknesses: Manny Ramirez and Andre Ethier’s defensive prowess can turns outs into hits, and doubles into inside the park homers.
Deciding Factor: Who gets to be Joe Torre’s honorary Scott Proctor? I’m hoping its Scott Proctor. He’s making a comeback with the Braves, though if he knows what’s good for him he has a contract stipulation that he can not be traded to any team managed by Joe Torre.
Fun Fact: Matt Kemp is currently dating Rihanna. I would think she would date James Loney, because that guy never seems to hit for power.
*San Diego Padres*
Strengths: Padres baseball is a great cure for insomnia. I fell asleep just writing this.
Weaknesses: Despite the name, no relation to Carmen Sandiego.
Deciding Factor: When will we get the All Star Game at PETCO? That home run derby will be hilarious.
Fun Fact: The Padres could be a league average team this year, if that league is Little League in some country defined by baseball mediocrity, like Canada.
*San Francisco Giants*
Strengths: Joe West recently complained about the length of Red Sox / Yankees games, the usually high scoring affairs between two teams that play like every game is a playoff game. With the combination of the Giants’ pitching and offense, you can expect to be in and out of the stadium in under an hour for the average game as nobody scores any runs and nobody wants to stick around there any longer than they have to.
Weaknesses: I could put together a better lineup than this for under $100. Seriously guys, craigslist that ****.
Deciding Factor: Bengie Molina is the SLOW Molina brother. What the hell will the Giants do if he actually starts taking walks? Whoever bats behind him will be hitting into force outs off the right field fence.
Fun Fact: Current PECOTA projections show that by 2014, Tim Lincecum will be 50% hair by volume.
==Quick Links==
~~2010 Predictions~~
2010 AL East Preview
2010 AL Central Preview
2010 AL West Preview
2010 NL East Preview
2010 NL Central Preview
2010 NL West Preview
~~2009 Predictions~~
2009 AL East Preview
2009 AL Central Preview
2009 AL West Preview
2009 NL East Preview
2009 NL Central Preview
2009 NL West Preview
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
2010 AL East Preview
~~~~~~AL EAST~~~~~~
*Baltimore Orioles*
Strengths: Beautiful ballpark that allows many fans the unique opportunity to get front row seats to see their team in front of a home crowd. I am of course talking about Boston and New York fans here.
Weaknesses: Kevin Millwood is their “ace”. This was a guy who wasn’t even a top of the rotation starter for the Rangers over most of the last 5 years. This includes 2008, when his team had a 5.51 starting ERA.
Deciding Factor: How many more months before Bud Selig decides to take Baltimore out behind the shed and put them out of their misery? Not just talking about the Orioles here.
Fun Fact: I tried to diss Matt Wieters here, but he is so awesome that my computer got a blue screen as soon as I started typing the blasphemous statement. On a Mac.
*Boston Red Sox*
Strengths: It is hard for batters to focus on the ball during John Lackey’s starts, because most of them would rather look away than stare at that ugly mess of a man. It’s just uncomfortable.
Weaknesses: Jacoby Ellsbury is part Native American, so you can expect him to get smallpox pretty soon or succumb to the destructive force of firewater.
Deciding Factor: How many more years can Tim Wakefield get big, stupid hitters to look silly with his fluttering bull ****? I mean, even that kid in Rookie of the Year couldn’t pull it off for more than one at bat.
Fun Fact: For years, the Red Sox were the beloved, humbled team that would inevitably finish behind the hated, entitled Yankees. Now they’re the hated, entitled Yankees lite who will inevitably finish behind the hated, entitled Yankees.
*New York Yankees*
Strengths: Between the acquisitions of Granderson and Vazquez, their offseason moves look like those unbalanced trades the computer does on Playstation where they trade Albert Pujols for Julio Lugo.
Weaknesses: For the first time since coming to New York, I have no idea who Alex Rodriguez is ****ing right now. What the hell New York media, I depend on you for my daily dose of Arod drama.
Deciding Factor: Nick Swisher had a cameo on How I Met Your Mother in the offseason. Let’s hope this taste of fame does not go to his head. The last thing we need is a prima donna in New York.
Fun Fact: The Yankees are projected to spend about $200 million on payroll this year. Of course, if you take out the $30 million in taxi rides to transport women home from Jeter’s flat, $45 million for Arod’s psychiatric care, and the $70 million it takes to feed CC Sabathia, that’s a pretty reasonable payroll.
*Tampa Bay Rays*
Strengths: Are hoping for a new outdoor stadium in the near future, in the hopes that Floridans who want to work on their tans will accidentally find their way in there.
Weaknesses: Have some good players, but they all suck in MLB Power Pros and I’m too lazy to update them.
Deciding Factor: Will you be able to read a single article about the Rays on Fangraphs this season through the Sabermetric ejaculate covering the screen?
Fun Fact: Eva Longoria jokes never get old. Unlike Pat Burrell.
*Toronto Blue Jays*
Strengths: Roy Halladay had a great opening day start.
Weaknesses: It wasn’t for the Blue Jays.
Deciding Factor: Can Vernon Wells justify his contract? Can he justify a roster spot? Hell, can he justify not being euthanized? Actually, I’m pretty sure those are all decided factors.
Fun Fact: I hear that every Canadian has a Zamboni that they ride to the baseball park. Zambonis are awesome.
==Quick Links==
~~2010 Predictions~~
2010 AL East Preview
2010 AL Central Preview
2010 AL West Preview
2010 NL East Preview
2010 NL Central Preview
2010 NL West Preview
~~2009 Predictions~~
2009 AL East Preview
2009 AL Central Preview
2009 AL West Preview
2009 NL East Preview
2009 NL Central Preview
2009 NL West Preview
*Baltimore Orioles*
Strengths: Beautiful ballpark that allows many fans the unique opportunity to get front row seats to see their team in front of a home crowd. I am of course talking about Boston and New York fans here.
Weaknesses: Kevin Millwood is their “ace”. This was a guy who wasn’t even a top of the rotation starter for the Rangers over most of the last 5 years. This includes 2008, when his team had a 5.51 starting ERA.
Deciding Factor: How many more months before Bud Selig decides to take Baltimore out behind the shed and put them out of their misery? Not just talking about the Orioles here.
Fun Fact: I tried to diss Matt Wieters here, but he is so awesome that my computer got a blue screen as soon as I started typing the blasphemous statement. On a Mac.
*Boston Red Sox*
Strengths: It is hard for batters to focus on the ball during John Lackey’s starts, because most of them would rather look away than stare at that ugly mess of a man. It’s just uncomfortable.
Weaknesses: Jacoby Ellsbury is part Native American, so you can expect him to get smallpox pretty soon or succumb to the destructive force of firewater.
Deciding Factor: How many more years can Tim Wakefield get big, stupid hitters to look silly with his fluttering bull ****? I mean, even that kid in Rookie of the Year couldn’t pull it off for more than one at bat.
Fun Fact: For years, the Red Sox were the beloved, humbled team that would inevitably finish behind the hated, entitled Yankees. Now they’re the hated, entitled Yankees lite who will inevitably finish behind the hated, entitled Yankees.
*New York Yankees*
Strengths: Between the acquisitions of Granderson and Vazquez, their offseason moves look like those unbalanced trades the computer does on Playstation where they trade Albert Pujols for Julio Lugo.
Weaknesses: For the first time since coming to New York, I have no idea who Alex Rodriguez is ****ing right now. What the hell New York media, I depend on you for my daily dose of Arod drama.
Deciding Factor: Nick Swisher had a cameo on How I Met Your Mother in the offseason. Let’s hope this taste of fame does not go to his head. The last thing we need is a prima donna in New York.
Fun Fact: The Yankees are projected to spend about $200 million on payroll this year. Of course, if you take out the $30 million in taxi rides to transport women home from Jeter’s flat, $45 million for Arod’s psychiatric care, and the $70 million it takes to feed CC Sabathia, that’s a pretty reasonable payroll.
*Tampa Bay Rays*
Strengths: Are hoping for a new outdoor stadium in the near future, in the hopes that Floridans who want to work on their tans will accidentally find their way in there.
Weaknesses: Have some good players, but they all suck in MLB Power Pros and I’m too lazy to update them.
Deciding Factor: Will you be able to read a single article about the Rays on Fangraphs this season through the Sabermetric ejaculate covering the screen?
Fun Fact: Eva Longoria jokes never get old. Unlike Pat Burrell.
*Toronto Blue Jays*
Strengths: Roy Halladay had a great opening day start.
Weaknesses: It wasn’t for the Blue Jays.
Deciding Factor: Can Vernon Wells justify his contract? Can he justify a roster spot? Hell, can he justify not being euthanized? Actually, I’m pretty sure those are all decided factors.
Fun Fact: I hear that every Canadian has a Zamboni that they ride to the baseball park. Zambonis are awesome.
==Quick Links==
~~2010 Predictions~~
2010 AL East Preview
2010 AL Central Preview
2010 AL West Preview
2010 NL East Preview
2010 NL Central Preview
2010 NL West Preview
~~2009 Predictions~~
2009 AL East Preview
2009 AL Central Preview
2009 AL West Preview
2009 NL East Preview
2009 NL Central Preview
2009 NL West Preview
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
2010 AL Central Preview
~~~~~~AL CENTRAL~~~~~~
*Chicago White Sox*
Strengths: Bobby Jenks gravitational pull should do a pretty good job keeping balls in the park.
Weaknesses: AJ Pierzynski has lost a bit of his edge since “your mom” jokes went out of style.
Deciding Factor: The season’s barely started and I’m one homosexual slur away from Ozzie Guillen bingo.
Fun Fact: : Mark Buehrle pitched a perfect game last year, which is the first time “perfect” has ever been used to describe anything relating to the city of Chicago.
*Cleveland Indians*
Strengths: Cleveland has some relatively great pitching talent. Unfortunately, that “talent” is in the stands rather than on the field, and is only “great” compared to a rotation that is headlined by “ace” Jake Westbrook.
Weaknesses: Have you seen “Major League”? Cleveland can’t even win the World Series in their own damn movie.
Deciding Factor: Kerry Wood’s musculoskeletal system.
Fun Fact: Remember Fausto Carmona? How bout Travis Hafner? They’re like those one hit wonders that make it take an annoyingly long time to scroll through your iPod by artist.
*Detroit Tigers*
Strengths: Scott Sizemore is one of the top talents in baseball. Oh, wait. That’s Grady Sizemore. Who the **** is Scott Sizemore?
Weaknesses: Magglio Ordonez’s skill level is dropping like the 2008 stock market. That joke a little dated? Fine, dropping like Britney Spears’ baby.
Deciding Factor: If Johnny Damon gets moved to the infield, maybe the Molina brothers will stop trying to score from third on every fly ball hit to him.
Fun Fact: Miguel Cabrera has developed into more of a slap hitter. At least that’s what I heard from his wife at the end of last season.
*Kansas City Royals*
Strengths: Are a great boon to the economy, as at least twenty people on their roster would be unemployed if not for the merciful and kind hearted Royals organization.
Weaknesses: Royals manager Trey Hillman has to watch Yuniesky Betancourt field just about every game. That must be like having a family member in the Special Olympics, where you really want to be supportive but you end up either laughing or crying.
Deciding Factor: If Kansas City gets career years out of every single one of their players, the players might have enough leverage to decide to get out of Kansas ****ing City, does that count?
Fun Fact: Current Royals centerfielder Rick Ankiel is famous for the epic collapse of his pitching career following a meltdown in the 2000 Playoffs, during which he gave up 9 wild pitches in 4 innings. That performance would still be good enough to earn him a slot in the Kansas City rotation.
*Minnesota Twins*
Strengths: Justin Morneau is one of the best players in the league at finishing higher in MVP voting than more deserving players on his own team.
Weaknesses: New outdoor stadium means that first home game will be in mid-May when they finally clear the snow off the field.
Deciding Factor: After signing Joe Mauer to a long term contract after a career year, the Twins need to find a way to minimize interaction with Carl Pavano before he gets any ideas. Which should be easy as pitchers and catchers usually have no significant interaction during the season.
Fun Fact: Every time I see Kevin Slowey’s last name I think he’s a Pokemon for some reason. Here’s a fun experiment: go to your local bar and try narrating all of his starts as if they were Pokemon battles. It’s a great way of avoiding STD transmission.
==Quick Links==
~~2010 Predictions~~
2010 AL East Preview
2010 AL Central Preview
2010 AL West Preview
2010 NL East Preview
2010 NL Central Preview
2010 NL West Preview
~~2009 Predictions~~
2009 AL East Preview
2009 AL Central Preview
2009 AL West Preview
2009 NL East Preview
2009 NL Central Preview
2009 NL West Preview
*Chicago White Sox*
Strengths: Bobby Jenks gravitational pull should do a pretty good job keeping balls in the park.
Weaknesses: AJ Pierzynski has lost a bit of his edge since “your mom” jokes went out of style.
Deciding Factor: The season’s barely started and I’m one homosexual slur away from Ozzie Guillen bingo.
Fun Fact: : Mark Buehrle pitched a perfect game last year, which is the first time “perfect” has ever been used to describe anything relating to the city of Chicago.
*Cleveland Indians*
Strengths: Cleveland has some relatively great pitching talent. Unfortunately, that “talent” is in the stands rather than on the field, and is only “great” compared to a rotation that is headlined by “ace” Jake Westbrook.
Weaknesses: Have you seen “Major League”? Cleveland can’t even win the World Series in their own damn movie.
Deciding Factor: Kerry Wood’s musculoskeletal system.
Fun Fact: Remember Fausto Carmona? How bout Travis Hafner? They’re like those one hit wonders that make it take an annoyingly long time to scroll through your iPod by artist.
*Detroit Tigers*
Strengths: Scott Sizemore is one of the top talents in baseball. Oh, wait. That’s Grady Sizemore. Who the **** is Scott Sizemore?
Weaknesses: Magglio Ordonez’s skill level is dropping like the 2008 stock market. That joke a little dated? Fine, dropping like Britney Spears’ baby.
Deciding Factor: If Johnny Damon gets moved to the infield, maybe the Molina brothers will stop trying to score from third on every fly ball hit to him.
Fun Fact: Miguel Cabrera has developed into more of a slap hitter. At least that’s what I heard from his wife at the end of last season.
*Kansas City Royals*
Strengths: Are a great boon to the economy, as at least twenty people on their roster would be unemployed if not for the merciful and kind hearted Royals organization.
Weaknesses: Royals manager Trey Hillman has to watch Yuniesky Betancourt field just about every game. That must be like having a family member in the Special Olympics, where you really want to be supportive but you end up either laughing or crying.
Deciding Factor: If Kansas City gets career years out of every single one of their players, the players might have enough leverage to decide to get out of Kansas ****ing City, does that count?
Fun Fact: Current Royals centerfielder Rick Ankiel is famous for the epic collapse of his pitching career following a meltdown in the 2000 Playoffs, during which he gave up 9 wild pitches in 4 innings. That performance would still be good enough to earn him a slot in the Kansas City rotation.
*Minnesota Twins*
Strengths: Justin Morneau is one of the best players in the league at finishing higher in MVP voting than more deserving players on his own team.
Weaknesses: New outdoor stadium means that first home game will be in mid-May when they finally clear the snow off the field.
Deciding Factor: After signing Joe Mauer to a long term contract after a career year, the Twins need to find a way to minimize interaction with Carl Pavano before he gets any ideas. Which should be easy as pitchers and catchers usually have no significant interaction during the season.
Fun Fact: Every time I see Kevin Slowey’s last name I think he’s a Pokemon for some reason. Here’s a fun experiment: go to your local bar and try narrating all of his starts as if they were Pokemon battles. It’s a great way of avoiding STD transmission.
==Quick Links==
~~2010 Predictions~~
2010 AL East Preview
2010 AL Central Preview
2010 AL West Preview
2010 NL East Preview
2010 NL Central Preview
2010 NL West Preview
~~2009 Predictions~~
2009 AL East Preview
2009 AL Central Preview
2009 AL West Preview
2009 NL East Preview
2009 NL Central Preview
2009 NL West Preview
Monday, April 5, 2010
2010 AL West Preview
Welcome to year two of our in depth, 100% guaranteed accurate MLB season predictions.
~~~~~~AL West~~~~~~
*Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim*
Strengths: Joe Saunders can be depended upon for around 200 innings, 15-18 wins and a ~3.50 ERA if the year is 2008.
Weaknesses: There is a 75% chance that Howie Kendrick injured himself while you were reading this sentence.
Deciding factor: If Jered Weaver does not repeat last year’s solid performance, the Angels could be in trouble when I fly out and stab him for screwing over my fantasy team.
Fun fact: This is the first year I have managed to avoid a Chode Figgins joke in my Angels writeup.
*Los Angeles Athletics of Oakland *
Strengths: If the other team’s starting lineup doesn’t show up, Oakland might actually eek out a few ties this year.
Weaknesses: Last year, Kurt Suzuki hit 15 homers (2nd on the team) with a .313 OBP. In Oakland, that’s a good argument for batting cleanup.
Deciding factor: The only way this team will have any fire in it is if Raiders fans come to games and actually set **** on fire.
Fun fact: As perhaps the longest standing bastion of sabermetrics in baseball, the Athletics’ idea of fun involves a quiet, romantic night of passionate interactions with an excel spreadsheet.
*Los Angeles Mariners of Seattle *
Strengths: This team will be in great shape if Ken Griffey Jr can return to his “Ken Griffey Jr Presents Major League Baseball” SNES form.
Weaknesses: Chode Figgins’ parents' baby-naming abilities.
Deciding factor: The success of the Seattle season will be determined by how long it takes for Milton Bradley to realize that there are a ****load of white people in Seattle.
Fun fact: More people will go to Washington this year to see the town mentioned in Twilight than to see the Mariners. That’s not as much “fun” as “incredibly, mindblowingly depressing”.
*Los Angeles Rangers of Texas *
Strengths: Vladimir Guerrero is like the Happy Gilmore of baseball. In that he’s really, really good at golf.
Weaknesses: Chris Davis averaged a strike out every other at bat in his last minor league stint. To be fair though, that T-ball league has more pitching talent than the Rangers did in most of the last decade.
Deciding factor: If Texas keeps Rich Harden in a plastic bubble in a padded room between starts, they might be able to get a half dozen starts out of him this year.
Fun fact: If talent were directly proportionate to letters in surnames, Jarrod Saltalamacchia might actually be worthwhile to spell.
==Quick Links==
~~2010 Predictions~~
2010 AL East Preview
2010 AL Central Preview
2010 AL West Preview
2010 NL East Preview
2010 NL Central Preview
2010 NL West Preview
~~2009 Predictions~~
2009 AL East Preview
2009 AL Central Preview
2009 AL West Preview
2009 NL East Preview
2009 NL Central Preview
2009 NL West Preview
~~~~~~AL West~~~~~~
*Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim*
Strengths: Joe Saunders can be depended upon for around 200 innings, 15-18 wins and a ~3.50 ERA if the year is 2008.
Weaknesses: There is a 75% chance that Howie Kendrick injured himself while you were reading this sentence.
Deciding factor: If Jered Weaver does not repeat last year’s solid performance, the Angels could be in trouble when I fly out and stab him for screwing over my fantasy team.
Fun fact: This is the first year I have managed to avoid a Chode Figgins joke in my Angels writeup.
*Los Angeles Athletics of Oakland *
Strengths: If the other team’s starting lineup doesn’t show up, Oakland might actually eek out a few ties this year.
Weaknesses: Last year, Kurt Suzuki hit 15 homers (2nd on the team) with a .313 OBP. In Oakland, that’s a good argument for batting cleanup.
Deciding factor: The only way this team will have any fire in it is if Raiders fans come to games and actually set **** on fire.
Fun fact: As perhaps the longest standing bastion of sabermetrics in baseball, the Athletics’ idea of fun involves a quiet, romantic night of passionate interactions with an excel spreadsheet.
*Los Angeles Mariners of Seattle *
Strengths: This team will be in great shape if Ken Griffey Jr can return to his “Ken Griffey Jr Presents Major League Baseball” SNES form.
Weaknesses: Chode Figgins’ parents' baby-naming abilities.
Deciding factor: The success of the Seattle season will be determined by how long it takes for Milton Bradley to realize that there are a ****load of white people in Seattle.
Fun fact: More people will go to Washington this year to see the town mentioned in Twilight than to see the Mariners. That’s not as much “fun” as “incredibly, mindblowingly depressing”.
*Los Angeles Rangers of Texas *
Strengths: Vladimir Guerrero is like the Happy Gilmore of baseball. In that he’s really, really good at golf.
Weaknesses: Chris Davis averaged a strike out every other at bat in his last minor league stint. To be fair though, that T-ball league has more pitching talent than the Rangers did in most of the last decade.
Deciding factor: If Texas keeps Rich Harden in a plastic bubble in a padded room between starts, they might be able to get a half dozen starts out of him this year.
Fun fact: If talent were directly proportionate to letters in surnames, Jarrod Saltalamacchia might actually be worthwhile to spell.
==Quick Links==
~~2010 Predictions~~
2010 AL East Preview
2010 AL Central Preview
2010 AL West Preview
2010 NL East Preview
2010 NL Central Preview
2010 NL West Preview
~~2009 Predictions~~
2009 AL East Preview
2009 AL Central Preview
2009 AL West Preview
2009 NL East Preview
2009 NL Central Preview
2009 NL West Preview
Friday, March 5, 2010
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