Summary of "Holy War" Sox/Yanks 2004 Cartridge

THE LINEUPS…
~~~Boston~~~
STARTERS:
Johnny “Judas/Matt” Damon: Fast. Flashes of power. Otherwise he’s just gonna ground out. Constantly. But if he gets on with a fielder's choice he might have a chance at a stolen base.

Orlando Cabrera: He has a magical ability to make sac bunts turn into double plays. And occasionally accidentally gets a base hit. Not fast enough to leg out an infield hit often, not enough power to launch onen out, not enough "being good" to "not suck".

Manny “Bad Mang” Ramirez (aka Mandy Ramirez): I’ll start off by quoting Manny’s 2007 ALCS Game 2 postgame conference “[heavy accent] Varitek came up to me in the clubhouse today, and he said… he said “choo know manny, choo never leave fengway widout a homerun”, and I said “choo know it” … he’s one of the best closers in the game but I’m one of the best hitters, and when you hit a ball like that, that’s when choo know you’re a bad mang." Good hitter, batted in front of Ortiz that season which kills me here because I can't take advantage of Ortiz's IBBs.

David “Big Papi” Ortiz: Terence has compared his hatred for David Ortiz with most of the world’s hatred of Hitler. This has been exacerbated by many clutch homeruns, a game where he hit homers in 4 consecutive at bats, and the fact that he’s much better hung than Terence (though you may have trouble finding it). Ortiz has been pegged in almost every at bat for the last two years after a game winning hit in World Series II, Game 4.

Jason Varitek: Ah, that was nice. The Sox lineup was really awesome for… two players. Now it goes back to mediocre. Sure, he’s not a complete abortion, but you want more out of a 5 spot who has a man on base in front of him almost every at bat. I’m pretty sure he has more career GIDPs than hits, but if Manny and Ortiz get on base in front of him, Usain Bolt could ground into a double play to the center fielder if he went to third and second for the force outs.

Trot “Irony” Nixon: It is ironic that he’s named Trot but so rarely trots around the bases. He sulks back to the dugout after a soft ground out much more oftenn, but “Sulk” Nixon isn’t as catchy. Basically he exists just to make absolutely sure that any rally by the big guys that has not come to fruition and dies a painful death by sodomy. And not just any sodomy. Like, being sodomized by a pack of velociraptor. Or worse, signing Julio Lugo to a multiyear deal.

Bill “Gedman” Mueller: Bill Mueller is the spiritual successor to Rich Gedman from the original version of RBI Baseball for NES. Every time Terence would have a late lead against Boston in the original, Rich Gedman “Destroyer of Dreams” would somehow blast a homer. Though this Boston team is not nearly as infallible, Bill Mueller has a tendency to blast homers at inopportune times for my opponents, such as when they’re carrying a no hitter into the bottom of the ninth of a 1-0 game.

Mark “Bellwhore” Bellhorn: In real life, the guy was a league leader in strike outs and hit second for most of the season in 2004. Luckily, he has cut down on the strikeouts by grounding out softly instead. And usually getting pinch hit for.

THE BENCH:
Kevin “Cowboy Up” Millar: Best pinch hitter off the bench for the Sox, he has the power to launch a ball into the parking lot if you make a mistake. Unfortunately, he isn't very fast, and with no protection the opposing pitchers can be very careful around him, so he doesn't get on base much these days. Had a big year in Holy War I (World Series II) and in the regular season, but not so much in the last world series.

Dave “Faster Black Man” Roberts: If only we could pinch run. He rarely gets on base with his crappy hitting, but if he grounds into a forceout he is almost a lock to steal second, sometimes third, and even occasionally home. Great speed is a huge help for the team... when he gets on base.

Doug “Alphabet” Mientkiewitcz: Can anybody really spell his name? I don’t. I bet he spends all that time on the bench coming up with acronyms for it. Because he’s never on the field. I actually tried to pinch hit the pitcher for him once and was unsuccesful. True story.

Gabe “Mazel Tough” Kapler: I'm just gonna go with am awesome quote here "Decent hitter. Awesome jew." Decent pinch hitter but only comes in for the pitcher.

THE STAFF:
Curt Schilling: Power pitcher. Good stamina. Devastating fastball. Terence hates him and wishes to cathadorize him with barbed wire.

Pedro “Your Daddy” Martinez: Great control, great curveball, stamina could use some help, velocity tends to dip mid game. Prone to late game implosions, but always comes through in relief in extra innings.

Tim “Knuckle-balla’ Wakefield: His knuckleball has yet to be scored on, average better than a strikeouts per inning, and has a WHIP under 1.00. Positively devastating. Only has a handful of losses or blown saves, but 1 of them was in the playoffs in Game 5 of the World Series II. He only pitches when absolutely necessary (so opponent don't get used to him), and rarely more than one inning, but he tends to dominate opposing hitters.

Keith “WTF” Foulke: For the first year, Keith Foulke had a pact with the devil. He almost always blew the game, either destroying a small lead or rendering stressful tie games “less stressful” by giving up the lead. But he never lost. He blew about a third of the games that he has appeared in, but the team only lost two of those games. He gave up 5 runs in the top of the 10th in one game, yet got the win. Foulke blowing the game was once viewed as a sure signal that his team will win.

Then the playoffs came. He started sucking horribly. And he has sucked ever since. First world series 4 ER in 5 1/3 innings, second world series 4 ER in 6 innings, this year he's expected to give up 4 ER in 6 2/3 inning.

~~~New York~~~
STARTERS:
Derek “GIDP” Jeter: Occasional homers, a few doubles, and then double plays. Lots of them. Even with the bases empty. Also seems to have an uncanny ability to reach on errors. He's frustrating as hell to face.

ARod: Smashes the ball, hits lots of homers, but tends to choke. On cocks. Actually, this is the anti-Arod, he is mediocre in the regular season but really good in the post season.

Gary “Sheff-Boy-R-Dee” Sheffield: He would fit in very well on the original Red Sox what with his ridiculous right handed power. And whenever I strike out Arod, he seems to figure out my pitching patterns and hammer the first pitch out of the park . Oh, btw, in the previous description, that was a blow job reference and a questioning of his sexuality in case you missed it.

Hideki “Godzilla” Matsui: Another big homer hitter, rounding out the big 4. He sucked early in the World Series in Holy War I, goingn 2-18 with 14 Ks before hitting a walkoff ninth inning single in the final game.

Those top 4 hitters can all hit homers and basically devastate the Red Sox. The lineup drops off pretty quick, but it is a brutal four hitter punch.

Bernie “NO!” Williams: Bernie is the Tim Laudner of this game. He will get out every single time. Unless the other pitcher takes him for granted. Then he will homer. So, if Matsui is walked to face Bernie, the next pitch will be out of the park. Then he’ll sit on his ass for another few days til you go back to assuming he’s an out ("Damn, this guy grounded out softly the last 10 times, why was I afraid of him? *HOMERUN* Oh... that's why"). Named for the scream of anguish when he grounded into a game ending triple play with a one run deficit.

“Hip hip Jorge” Posada: Occasional longball, but usually just grounds out. Decent protection from pinch hitters behind him, good for getting on base, but not too much power.

John “Dark Helmet” Olerud: This guy doesn’t actually get at bats much anymore. He has no power, no speed, but he does occassionally get on base, which is always very confusing. Usually replaced by Lofton.

Cairo: Sucks. Horribly. Career postseason line is .000/.000/.000. Usually replaced by Giambi or Sierra.

BENCH:
Kenny “Fast Black Man” Lofton’s: Kenny is fast and hits the ball well enough to get a good number of doubles. Solid hitter, legs out base hits, and defies logic by ACTUALLY getting a world series ring in this game, unlike real life.

Jason the Giambino: Steroids boy. Oily enough to solve the world's fuel problems for years. He is 2-3 in postseason career with a pair of homers.

Ruben Sierra: This guy sucked until a breakout performance in the Holy War I playoffs. Ever since then, he's been devastating as a pinch hitter. If he can get a hold of a ball it's pretty easy for him to knock a homer.

Tony Clark: Generally low power, but hits the occasional pinch hit homer, usually coming in nfor the pitcher.

THE STAFF:
El Duque: Starts every game. Good stamina, good curveball, good fastball, but usually makes a few mistakes that get hammered.

Mike “Moose” Mussina: Comes in in relief almost every game. Good in regular season, dominant in postseason (3-0, 0.66 ERA in Holy War I, 0-1, 0.73 ERA in Holy War II). His first pitch is usually around 79-80, then the next pitch and all further pitches are like 74 mph or so. But after El Duque is throwing slow from exhaustion, when he comes in the hitters can't handle it right away.

Mariano “Mo” Rivera: Terence wants to save him for emergencies. He rarely ever pitches because Mussina is so constant. But he's usually solid when he comes in. No postseason pitching though, ironically.

Tom Gordon: Although his fastball is hotter than Jessica Alba, it’s flatter than Kiera Knightley’s chest. The only thing about him that is straight is the trajectory of his curveball. If he were as good at pitching as he were at getting men… well, he’d still fail, but maybe in a more dazzling way.