Jamie Moyer, Tim Wakefield test positive for steroids

Reports confirm that Red Sox pitcher Tim Wakefield and Phillies pitcher Jamie Moyer have been suspended indefinitely due to their use of performance enhancing drugs banned by Major League Baseball.

Commissioner Bud Selig revealed in a press conference that they had been specifically interested in Moyer and Wakefield due to the "unnatural" extra speed on their fastballs. The two players, who joined the Major Leagues in 1867, have long been the center of controversy regarding their bizarre habits and suspected substance abuse, but nobody had ever been able to pin anything on them. Complaints from opposing hitters had been piling up for years, but they finally came to a head this week when Moyer managed to strike an opposing batter out, a feat that most people believe should be physically impossible.

The tests proved conclusively that both Wakefield and Moyer had been using anabolic steroids, HGH, amphetamines, alcohol, IV adrenaline, and the blood of virgins in order to maintain their edge.*

Moyer responded to reporter's questions by stating "You know who I am? I played this game when you were still a twinkle in your grandfather's eye. I don't have to put up with you snot nosed little kids trying to ruin my life, now mind your own business and get off my lawn you little bastards before I get my musket"

When cornered after tonight's game, Wakefield reportedly said "[expletive deleted] you you little [expletive deleted] s I should [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] you in the face with a [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] and then [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] you with a [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] in the [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] until you can't [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] without [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] out your [expletive deleted] ."

Sabremetricians everywhere have long questioned the unusual length of their careers. It is well known that most baseball players peak in their late 20s or early 30s, while decling at the end of their 30s and early 40s. However, rather than declining, the two pitchers have been fairly consistent for most of their careers according to the OAF system (inset). Sabermetricians maintain that this is a clear reason to suspect PED use.

Reactions in MLB clubhouses were mixed

"What the [expletive deleted] are you talking about?" responded Chicago manager Ozzie Guillen when questioned by phone. He continued "Seriously, is this some kind of [expletive deleted] joke? Who are you? How did you get this number? I'm calling the [expletive deleted] cops on your [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted]."

Other baseball figures reacted differently. Many were shocked, such as former player Julio Franco, who stated "I played with those guys ever since I got back from my tour with the Army of Virginia during the Civil War. Now I don't know how to feel. I mean... you think you know a guy. I don't know, I guess I feel... betrayed"

Some were more aggressive. "I knew there was something up with those guy since the moment I set eyes on them" maintains some player on some National League team nobody cares about. "All cocky up there with his 75 mph fastball. Like he owned the place. You could tell even then that they'd be the kind of guys who think they wouldn't get caught, that they're above the rules."

But others were more accepting "You know, maybe they didn't knowingly take it. I mean, there's that one guy on TV who prescribed a guy cigarettes, maybe they didn't know they were taking it?" said nice guy but gullible dumbass Jim Thome.

Some just seem to be in denial.
"Dude, there's no way he was taking steroids back in '04" maintans former Wakefield teammate Kevin Millar. "I pantsed that [expletive deleted] in the clubhouse after we beat the Yanks in '04, and let me tell you... if that's what his testicles look like after steroid shrinkage, that man must have elephantitis down there. You know, his saddle pommel. His boots and spurs. The chambers of his ole' revolver. His down south barbeque sauce producers"

Fan reaction was even more mixed
"Dude, didn't Jamie Moyer die a few years ago?" -MarinersFan2001
"Bull**** dude, this is bull****, Arod gets off free and they don't?" -GoB0S0X
"This is all a lie made up by the media to manipulate us" -ConspiracyTheorist801
"Hank Aaron took greenies, Cobb sharpened his cleats, all of baseball is a sham!" - Dickweed15626
"I hear Jamie Moyer killed six people and then had sex with their children. True Story" PhilliesSuckzorz
"****" -EastCoastBias04
"Please God, let Julio Lugo test positive" - Red Sox Pitching Staff, Lineup

Some have already questioned how this will affect the two players hall of fame status. When asked whether this would effect his vote, a source who requested to remain anonymous responded "Wait, you thought these guys ever had a chance? Are you an idiot?"

The eventual fallout is unclear, but this is clearly a bad day for baseball.

"Any time this happens, it's bad for the game" says Moyer teammate Brett Myers. "It's a black eye for the game, and not like the kind I give my wife, because baseball can't make me a sandwich afterwards"

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* (Sources confirm that this virgin blood came from the readership of one "Two Strike Bunt").