Unfortunately for Joe Girardi's already receding hairline, it is of the comic, rather than the offensive or pitching, type. (Although Joe already has Nick Swisher, God among Men, to solve all his bullpen woes) As someone who knows that the old-time romantic/nostalgic view of baseball is largely a fictionalization and a marketing tool but holds it anyway, I wish A-Rod could be clean and normal and just hit home runs (in the "clutch," of course) without keeping 37 different tabloids in business. Essentially, I wish he could be Albert Pujols. (I really, really, really want to believe Pujols is clean- I know steriods don't actually help you hit a baseball, and personally I am so sick of hearing about the issue that I more or less don't give a shit anymore, but it still bothers me and I'd like people to be clean) El Hombre, however, A-Rod is not. He's not even The Man. (Yes, El Hombre > The Man. Just ask yourself, which one sounds more badass?)
A-Rod is an extraordinarily talented ballplayer, and statistically is easily one of the best ever. But there is so much shit constantly swirling around him that it's easy to forget just how absurdly good he has been since he first broke into The Show. I'm not a big A-Rod fan; I'd have to say I'm rather ambivalent about him. When I was younger, I somewhat resented him because he was significantly better than my favorite player (Derek Jeter) but now I don't really have strong feelings one way or the other. Obviously I want him to succeed because he plays for the Yankees and because I love seeing great players play well, but beyond that I have no particular attachment to him.
I have to say though, I think it's absolutely hilarious that he cannot do ANYTHING anymore without creating yet another mess in his life. The man has taken his life, which a few years ago seemed to be about as clean-cut and straightforward as it gets for a major league ballplayer, and turned it into the sporting world's greatest walking clusterfuck. Steriods? Check. In high school? Check. Extramarital affairs? Check. With Madonna? Check. Strippers? Check. Mystical religions that most people don't understand? Check. Selling out his team's relievers so he can pad his batting stats? Check. Strangely sensual pictures involving himself and...a mirror? Check. I am honestly eagerly anticipating the next utterly ridiculous headline involving Mr. Alexander Emmanuel Rodriguez. It's past the point where you feel bad just because there's been so much of it; it either has gotten to him at this point or it hasn't, and if it hasn't already, it won't. Which means that the thing to do is simply revel in it- not because A-Rod is someone to be hated, but because he is providing us with some serious first-class entertainment. He has managed to put himself in a situation where although he plays a fucking game for a living, and is paid an exorbinant amount to do so, there are probably about seven people in the universe that would actually want to put themselves in his place.
Returning to my point though, I am seriously looking forward to the next piece of news that comes out concerning the man they call Mrs. October. One loyal reader (and the only reader that I know of other than us...so I guess that makes him loyal) suggested "in a couple weeks it'll be made public that he killed four hookers with a pair of cleats in the Rangers' clubhouse." Personally, my money's on something so outlandish that even Britney would say "Seriously dude? What the fuck?" Maybe a highly suggestive music video? Or perhaps Selena Roberts discovers that A-Rod is actually funneling money to Somalian pirates? Or following another season where he fails to lead the Yanks to a World Championship (not what I'm hoping for, but that's probably what'll happen) he decides to train in Siberia all winter and fight Kevin Youkilis in a battle to determine the outcome of the global arms race between Red Sox Nation and Yankees Universe? Or maybe he decides to forsake the material world and become a Buddhist monk in Nepal? God only knows what that shitclown will do next, but I can't wait.
I seriously think it's good for baseball and America though. A-Rod's shenanigans are good for baseball because baseball always needs a villian. That's what the Yankees and Red Sox exist for- they are the villians of the major leagues; everbody hates them. But you have to have some players that are the bad guys too- and that's where A-Rod fits in. Now that Bonds is retired, there has to be someone in the majors who gets booed in every single visiting park he sets foot in; it gives baseball fans common ground, something fans of every team can identify with and participate in. And it's good for America because A-Rod stands as a reminder that even though the economy's tanked more than the Mets in September, life can be shitty even for people who have obscene amounts of money.
If we have more readers out there, feel free to offer up your own suggestions as to what Mrs. October will do next- I'm curious to see just how little faith we have in his ability to act like a normal human being.
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