The Yankees team ERA is dead last in MLB with a 6.18 ERA. In related news, the Texas Rangers have made a 5-year offer to Yankees pitching coach Dave Eiland.
Zack Greinke continues to dominate, with his 0.00 ERA being exactly equal to the combined potential of the rest of Kansas City.
Kevin Youkilis leads the majors in batting average and on base percentage. Brett Myers leads in slugging, though Elijah Dukes is believed to be the better all around hitter.
The news that Julio Lugo was activated from the disabled list in time for the Red Sox' Monday night game seem to confirm previous reports that Nick Green slept with Theo Epstein's wife.
The Phillies hit a pair of grand slams in their Monday night win. However, it was against the Nationals, and in an attempt to avoid skewing statistics, record books will record them as sac flies instead, which would be the equivalent if the Phillies had been playing a major league team.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
Pluses and Minuses: Texas Rangers
TEXAS RANGERS
-Kevin Millwood is 1-2 with a 2.10 ERA due to lack of run support, while Brandon McCarthy is 2-0 with a 4.76 ERA. The Texas offense is the deadbeat dad of baseball... it slugs a lot, is never there when you need it, but every once in a while he'll show up with random shit so he can keep his tax deduction.
+Ian Kinsler is hitting so well that his slugging looks like the Rangers' team ERA with a misplaced decimal
-Texas pitching is so bad that Kason Gabbard gave up a game winning hit when he wasn't even in the state.
+4 guys on this team have ERAs under 4.50,making this the best pitching staff in recent Texas history. Only 1 of them has double digit innings, but it'd be pretty rude to spit in the face of the team's history by pitching well over an extended period of time.
-Chris Davis has more Ks than a looped Klan marquee
-Credits to reader and Texas fan Dr_Football: (on Lindstrom blowing the save and giving up 7 runs in the 9th) "[All by himself?] Around these parts, that's our set up guy"
-Kevin Millwood is 1-2 with a 2.10 ERA due to lack of run support, while Brandon McCarthy is 2-0 with a 4.76 ERA. The Texas offense is the deadbeat dad of baseball... it slugs a lot, is never there when you need it, but every once in a while he'll show up with random shit so he can keep his tax deduction.
+Ian Kinsler is hitting so well that his slugging looks like the Rangers' team ERA with a misplaced decimal
-Texas pitching is so bad that Kason Gabbard gave up a game winning hit when he wasn't even in the state.
+4 guys on this team have ERAs under 4.50,making this the best pitching staff in recent Texas history. Only 1 of them has double digit innings, but it'd be pretty rude to spit in the face of the team's history by pitching well over an extended period of time.
-Chris Davis has more Ks than a looped Klan marquee
-Credits to reader and Texas fan Dr_Football: (on Lindstrom blowing the save and giving up 7 runs in the 9th) "[All by himself?] Around these parts, that's our set up guy"
Thursday, April 23, 2009
I Love It!!
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2009/baseball/mlb/04/22/yankees.emptyseats.ap/index.html
It's so rewarding, especially right after finishing that rant. And Randy Levine, in case you actually believe the drivel you spout, let me give you a little heads up- (because you are clearly reading this blog) you are not "done talking about seats." You're just getting warmed up. And I'm loving every minute of it.
It's so rewarding, especially right after finishing that rant. And Randy Levine, in case you actually believe the drivel you spout, let me give you a little heads up- (because you are clearly reading this blog) you are not "done talking about seats." You're just getting warmed up. And I'm loving every minute of it.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Schadenfreude
I know I promised our faithful readers (ok, maybe faithful reader? I guess it might be presumptuous to think more than one person is paying attention) the full propaganda spiel of the People's Army for the Liberation of Nick Swisher, but I came across this photograph linked in a Rob Neyer blog post, and thought I'd use it as an opportunity to rant about something that pisses me off about the New Yankee Stadium:
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVg98i0ninpoXHMXRxhiJWOOnh34PhBdBfcplLYnUIwDrtxe_0B1KX7ttg6e2OHpiUgOOenh19Z553naxj0qT3m-D4UFIBdYrwUvheQQsW97SFlYmai2VJXLkNnHXIz7jEGlHGzdMR7mj6/s1600-h/Yanks+empty+seats1.jpg
Given that I'm a Yankees fan, you'd probably assume this would be somewhat unsettling, but this picture really warms the cockles of my heart. Why? Because those are possibly some of the seats that cost more for a game than a lot of people in this country earn in a month, and if they're not, they likely aren't that much cheaper. I have not seen the seating chart for the New Stadium, so I don't know if those are the famous $2,625 seats, and they are at the tarp, which is probably far enough down the line that they're the bargain basement seats- somewhere in the infinitely more palatable $400-1,000 range or something equally as absurd. But sweet Jesus do the Yanks' ticket prices make my blood boil.
Neyer makes the valid point that the Yanks are uniquely positioned to build a ballpark for the rich because of where they are located and who they are, and that every other organization in the majors would build a ballpark for the rich if they could. But at heart, I am still one of those sappy traditionalists who loves the history and nostalgia of the game, and stuff like this absolutely makes me livid. It, to me, absolutely nukes the idea of a ballpark experience centered around a love of the game, and represents, buck naked for the world to see, the other side of the game- the fact that it is a business, and an extraordinarily lucrative one at that. I am not denying that the game has always been a business- or at least the modern major league version- (since 1901) I'm sure the earlier leagues were, I just don't know their history as well to speak definitively. Or that the sappy nostalgic aura that is attached to baseball is in one respect nothing more than the single greatest marketing scheme in American history.
That said, even people who got violently ill while watching Field of Dreams and who cannot stand the "baseball myth" have to admit that this myth is an important part of the game. I'm sure the New Yankee Stadium absolutely wallows in the history of the Bombers, as it well should- with the exception of the Montreal Canadiens, no other sports franchise in North America has the kind of extraordinary past that the Yankees do. But as I've observed in recent years while going to the recently closed version of Old Yankee Stadium, the Yankees have an annoying way of taking their illustrious history and beating you over the head with it until you finally cave in and buy your own unique piece, serially numbered to 8,499, for the bargain price of $199.95.
In his first post, Alec mentioned that I am a Yankees, Twins, and Phillies fan, and I never elaborated on how I came to that rather odd combination of three teams. My whole family is Yankee fans, and I was raised as one. Some of the most spectacular and memorable things I have ever seen on a baseball field, I saw in Yankee Stadium. Boomer's perfect game. Tino's blast into the upper deck off Langston in the '98 Series. Roger Clemens throwing the bat at Piazza. Jeter crowning himself "Mr. November." Paul O'Neill crying in right field the next night as 57,000 adoring fans chanted his name one last time. A-Rod's 500th home run. I know how special a trip to that place can be. But in recent years, I have to confess that every time I went to the Stadium, I left feeling like I had just been hustled in the most unpleasant of ways. Violated is a strong word, but that's really what it felt like. It became so bad that I must confess to actually consciously avoiding the Stadium if I could. There were days in the summers when I'd have a chance to go to a ballgame on the spur of the moment, and I honestly would choose Shea over Yankee Stadium because of how unpleasant that place became, and in spite of Shea being a first-class dump and my hatred of the Mets. What I think happened is that at some point, Yankees baseball stopped being the purpose of Yankee Stadium- the organization began to view the ballgame as simply a marketing tool to get people in the door so they could buy Yankees shirts and Yankees food and Yankees memrobilia. Obviously each major league organization wants to make money, but the thing is, they're ALL making money- even the f***ing Pirates and Royals and Athletics and Marlins are making money. What bothers me I guess is that most major league organizations at least try to pretend to value winning almost much as making money, although I suspect this is largely because they're all making money anyway, and the Yankees don't even try to pretend that winning ballgames is anywhere near their priority. If winning games helps them sell stuff, then winning games is good. But I just don't see the organization caring much about it past that.
I know that isn't really true, but that is absolutely the impression one gets from attending a Yankees game. Sorry for the rant. But seeing that picture just made me so happy, and reminded me of how pissed off I get at the Yankees organization. There were 7,000 empty seats at the second game of the season at the New Yankee Stadium, and I hope there are at least that many for the rest of the regular season. I want to see an insanely intense Yanks-Red Sox game on TV in June or July, and every time a foul pop drifts near the dugout, have the TV camera show a half-empty section behind the dugout. I want to see the economy rebound and at the same time, see season ticket renewals for 2010 plummet because people realize how obscene those prices are. I wish no ill will on the on-field product; I will continue to root for the Yankees as I have always done, despite my sometimes extreme frustrations with the way the organization is run. But I am desperately hoping that the Yankees' management gets unbelievably, royally, completely screwed. Like I'm talking "covered in peanut butter in a room full of rabid squirrels" screwed. And that when he returns, Xavier Nady stays firmly put on the bench with the exception of DHing in place of Matsui vs. left-handers. And that the Yanks start threatening to take away Sabathia Claus's cheeseburgers if he doesn't get his shit together. That's it for bile. Up next, probably tomorrow: the previously promised statement from the propoganda minister for the People's Army for the Liberation of Nick Swisher.
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVg98i0ninpoXHMXRxhiJWOOnh34PhBdBfcplLYnUIwDrtxe_0B1KX7ttg6e2OHpiUgOOenh19Z553naxj0qT3m-D4UFIBdYrwUvheQQsW97SFlYmai2VJXLkNnHXIz7jEGlHGzdMR7mj6/s1600-h/Yanks+empty+seats1.jpg
Given that I'm a Yankees fan, you'd probably assume this would be somewhat unsettling, but this picture really warms the cockles of my heart. Why? Because those are possibly some of the seats that cost more for a game than a lot of people in this country earn in a month, and if they're not, they likely aren't that much cheaper. I have not seen the seating chart for the New Stadium, so I don't know if those are the famous $2,625 seats, and they are at the tarp, which is probably far enough down the line that they're the bargain basement seats- somewhere in the infinitely more palatable $400-1,000 range or something equally as absurd. But sweet Jesus do the Yanks' ticket prices make my blood boil.
Neyer makes the valid point that the Yanks are uniquely positioned to build a ballpark for the rich because of where they are located and who they are, and that every other organization in the majors would build a ballpark for the rich if they could. But at heart, I am still one of those sappy traditionalists who loves the history and nostalgia of the game, and stuff like this absolutely makes me livid. It, to me, absolutely nukes the idea of a ballpark experience centered around a love of the game, and represents, buck naked for the world to see, the other side of the game- the fact that it is a business, and an extraordinarily lucrative one at that. I am not denying that the game has always been a business- or at least the modern major league version- (since 1901) I'm sure the earlier leagues were, I just don't know their history as well to speak definitively. Or that the sappy nostalgic aura that is attached to baseball is in one respect nothing more than the single greatest marketing scheme in American history.
That said, even people who got violently ill while watching Field of Dreams and who cannot stand the "baseball myth" have to admit that this myth is an important part of the game. I'm sure the New Yankee Stadium absolutely wallows in the history of the Bombers, as it well should- with the exception of the Montreal Canadiens, no other sports franchise in North America has the kind of extraordinary past that the Yankees do. But as I've observed in recent years while going to the recently closed version of Old Yankee Stadium, the Yankees have an annoying way of taking their illustrious history and beating you over the head with it until you finally cave in and buy your own unique piece, serially numbered to 8,499, for the bargain price of $199.95.
In his first post, Alec mentioned that I am a Yankees, Twins, and Phillies fan, and I never elaborated on how I came to that rather odd combination of three teams. My whole family is Yankee fans, and I was raised as one. Some of the most spectacular and memorable things I have ever seen on a baseball field, I saw in Yankee Stadium. Boomer's perfect game. Tino's blast into the upper deck off Langston in the '98 Series. Roger Clemens throwing the bat at Piazza. Jeter crowning himself "Mr. November." Paul O'Neill crying in right field the next night as 57,000 adoring fans chanted his name one last time. A-Rod's 500th home run. I know how special a trip to that place can be. But in recent years, I have to confess that every time I went to the Stadium, I left feeling like I had just been hustled in the most unpleasant of ways. Violated is a strong word, but that's really what it felt like. It became so bad that I must confess to actually consciously avoiding the Stadium if I could. There were days in the summers when I'd have a chance to go to a ballgame on the spur of the moment, and I honestly would choose Shea over Yankee Stadium because of how unpleasant that place became, and in spite of Shea being a first-class dump and my hatred of the Mets. What I think happened is that at some point, Yankees baseball stopped being the purpose of Yankee Stadium- the organization began to view the ballgame as simply a marketing tool to get people in the door so they could buy Yankees shirts and Yankees food and Yankees memrobilia. Obviously each major league organization wants to make money, but the thing is, they're ALL making money- even the f***ing Pirates and Royals and Athletics and Marlins are making money. What bothers me I guess is that most major league organizations at least try to pretend to value winning almost much as making money, although I suspect this is largely because they're all making money anyway, and the Yankees don't even try to pretend that winning ballgames is anywhere near their priority. If winning games helps them sell stuff, then winning games is good. But I just don't see the organization caring much about it past that.
I know that isn't really true, but that is absolutely the impression one gets from attending a Yankees game. Sorry for the rant. But seeing that picture just made me so happy, and reminded me of how pissed off I get at the Yankees organization. There were 7,000 empty seats at the second game of the season at the New Yankee Stadium, and I hope there are at least that many for the rest of the regular season. I want to see an insanely intense Yanks-Red Sox game on TV in June or July, and every time a foul pop drifts near the dugout, have the TV camera show a half-empty section behind the dugout. I want to see the economy rebound and at the same time, see season ticket renewals for 2010 plummet because people realize how obscene those prices are. I wish no ill will on the on-field product; I will continue to root for the Yankees as I have always done, despite my sometimes extreme frustrations with the way the organization is run. But I am desperately hoping that the Yankees' management gets unbelievably, royally, completely screwed. Like I'm talking "covered in peanut butter in a room full of rabid squirrels" screwed. And that when he returns, Xavier Nady stays firmly put on the bench with the exception of DHing in place of Matsui vs. left-handers. And that the Yanks start threatening to take away Sabathia Claus's cheeseburgers if he doesn't get his shit together. That's it for bile. Up next, probably tomorrow: the previously promised statement from the propoganda minister for the People's Army for the Liberation of Nick Swisher.
Slow/Busy News Days
Respondng to the below, I've quote reference Steve Hofstetter's National Lampoon Sports Minute Or So...
"Florida high school pitcher Patrick Schuster has thrown three straight no-hitters. No one was more impressed than his opponents : the Washington Nationals."
-http://www.minuteorso.com/
Seriously though, great work for the kid, he could probably play for Baltimore right now and be second in their rotation, though that probably wouldn't get him nearly as many women.
And the restaurant is going to be Lockover's.
Also, Nick Swisher obviously won't cure AIDS, Matt Wieters will. Probably while batting against Stephen Strasburg
"Florida high school pitcher Patrick Schuster has thrown three straight no-hitters. No one was more impressed than his opponents : the Washington Nationals."
-http://www.minuteorso.com/
Seriously though, great work for the kid, he could probably play for Baltimore right now and be second in their rotation, though that probably wouldn't get him nearly as many women.
And the restaurant is going to be Lockover's.
Also, Nick Swisher obviously won't cure AIDS, Matt Wieters will. Probably while batting against Stephen Strasburg
"Not So Fast, Alec" says eighteen-year-old
Alec, I know you have a man-crush on Tim Wakefield. I know you've spent a lot of time thinking about exactly which romantic resturaunt you'd take him to in Boston if you ever landed a date with him. But let's be honest, seven no-hit innings isn't a reason to get all starry-eyed about your favorite 42-year-old. Why do I say that? Because some high school kid in Florida just threw his fourth consecutive no-hitter. Yes, four.
http://deadspin.com/5221189/four-no+hitters-in-a-row-ok-thats-impressive
Ridiculous. And this is Florida high school baseball- I'm pretty sure there's a higher quality of play in Florida high school baseball than there is in a couple of the independent leagues. Those kids are ridiculous. And speaking of absurd, the national record is six? In a row? That reminds me of the scene in "Clerks" where Dante gets pissed off about his girlfriend's fondness for fellatio and says to the random customer "My girlfriend sucked 36 dicks!" and the customer responds "In a row?" I can just see it now. "My son threw six no-hitters!" "In a row?" "Why yes, actually." All I can say is that this kid probably won't be lacking a prom date in a few weeks. I know high school sucks sometimes and high school kids are assholes, but I have a feeling that being on SportsCenter should be able to get you a date.
Also, the People's Army for the Liberation of Nick Swisher appears to have scored a big, although not decisive, victory in their most recent battle- Weapon X has a partially torn ligament in his throwing arm and will miss at least a month. I would like to lead off by saying I have no ill will against Xavier Nady- I'm sure he's a good girl, crazy about Elvis, loves horses, and his boyfriend too. And I'm a bad boy for breakin' his balls. But there is no way in all holy hell that he should be starting over Nick Swisher. I realize that Swisher is not going to hit .311 this year. I realize that he will not continue to be the Yanks' most reliable set-up man. I realize he will not cure AIDS, world hunger, and global warming with a swing of the bat. But the man is a better fielder, a switch-hitter that does not have stomach-turning splits between L/R-handers, and projects to be a roughly equal hitter this season. I will post my argument later- I'm not just going to make general statements like that without backing them up (this time, anyway) but I gotta try and fix the mess that is my life. And, more importantly, find some food.
http://deadspin.com/5221189/four-no+hitters-in-a-row-ok-thats-impressive
Ridiculous. And this is Florida high school baseball- I'm pretty sure there's a higher quality of play in Florida high school baseball than there is in a couple of the independent leagues. Those kids are ridiculous. And speaking of absurd, the national record is six? In a row? That reminds me of the scene in "Clerks" where Dante gets pissed off about his girlfriend's fondness for fellatio and says to the random customer "My girlfriend sucked 36 dicks!" and the customer responds "In a row?" I can just see it now. "My son threw six no-hitters!" "In a row?" "Why yes, actually." All I can say is that this kid probably won't be lacking a prom date in a few weeks. I know high school sucks sometimes and high school kids are assholes, but I have a feeling that being on SportsCenter should be able to get you a date.
Also, the People's Army for the Liberation of Nick Swisher appears to have scored a big, although not decisive, victory in their most recent battle- Weapon X has a partially torn ligament in his throwing arm and will miss at least a month. I would like to lead off by saying I have no ill will against Xavier Nady- I'm sure he's a good girl, crazy about Elvis, loves horses, and his boyfriend too. And I'm a bad boy for breakin' his balls. But there is no way in all holy hell that he should be starting over Nick Swisher. I realize that Swisher is not going to hit .311 this year. I realize that he will not continue to be the Yanks' most reliable set-up man. I realize he will not cure AIDS, world hunger, and global warming with a swing of the bat. But the man is a better fielder, a switch-hitter that does not have stomach-turning splits between L/R-handers, and projects to be a roughly equal hitter this season. I will post my argument later- I'm not just going to make general statements like that without backing them up (this time, anyway) but I gotta try and fix the mess that is my life. And, more importantly, find some food.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
NL East Preview
~~NL East~~
Strengths: The addition of Derek Lowe with his ground ball pitching style should keep the defense busy, because got knows they won’t be doing much in the other half of the inning.
Weaknesses: Helen Keller could probably strike out less often than Jeff Francouer.
Deciding factor:
Fun fact: The Braves signed Chipper Jones to a three year, $42 million extension hoping that at 36 he’ll finally grow out of those injury problems that have plagued him since he pulled a hamstring while kicking in the womb.
Strengths: Many baseball players are pressured by their fan’s expectations of their performance. Luckily for the Marlins, they have no fans, so they can stay stress free.
Weaknesses: The defense of
Deciding factor: The Marlins have signed Scott Proctor, so it’s only a matter of time until Joe Torre becomes their new manager.
Fun fact: The average American’s yearly salary could probably pay for the entire Marlins roster. However, the average Southeast Asian sweatshop worker’s yearly salary is definitely more than the Marlins make in ticket sales each year.
Strengths: Addition of JJ Putz and Francisco Rodriguez gives Mets brand new players to teach in the ancient art of epic choking. It was getting a little boring with the same guys blowing leads in the late innings of every game.
Weaknesses: September
Deciding factor: Johan Santana treads a fine line between “kicking ass” and “kicking too much ass”. The rest of the team treads a fine line between “doing decently well until late August” and “completely and utterly crapping the bed”.
Fun fact: In the time it took me to write these analyses, the Mets could have choked away a 15-game division lead in the last month of the season.
Strengths: Brett Myers lead the Phillies in punchouts last season. He was also second on the team in strikeouts.
Weaknesses: Jamie Moyer was the second best starting pitcher for the Phillies last year. The last time he was the best starting pitcher on a team, it was because the rest of the league’s pitchers were busy fighting at the Battle of Verdun.
Deciding factor: If Jayson Werth does really well again, his marketability could really take off. For example…
http://img14.imageshack.us/img14/5433/werth2.jpg
Fun fact: If Ryan Howard aged a day for each time that he struck out, he would fossilize by mid-May.
Strengths: Added Adam Dunn, a player who brings OBP, HRs, Ks, and an erection for sabremetricians everywhere.
Weaknesses: When Christian Guzman is your team’s All Star Game representative, you should pretty much give up trying to be taken seriously as a ball club.
Deciding factor: It’s the Nationals. Their deciding factor is the rules of baseball.
Fun fact: My little sister’s softball team could beat the Nationals and she doesn’t even exist.
(Division previews inspired by The Onion Sports, The Brushback Report, Gamefaqs Forums, and various substances of questionable legality)
Saturday, April 18, 2009
NL Central
~~NL Central~~
Cincinatti Reds
Strengths: Homer Bailey is an awesome name for a future All Star slugger. Wait, you say he’s a pitcher? Is that some kind of a sick joke?
Weaknesses: Dusty Baker is surrounded by pussies who can’t pitch 300+ innings in a season. Screw inning counts, 300 was good enough for Cy it should be good enough for these wimps.
Deciding Factor: Edinson Volquez had a great first half last year before fading into obscurity, where he joined the rest of his teammates and the entire city of Cincinatti. That should be enough motivation to drive him to success this year. Or at least forcing a trade to get him out of that hellhole.
Fun Fact: Cincinatti’s Great American Ball Park is the only major league stadium where you can bunt a homerun over the center field wall.
Chicago Cubs
Strengths: With the addition of Kevin Gregg and Aaron Heilman, the Cubs can solve the dangerous problem of having too many late game leads.
Weaknesses: Economists are examining Kosuke Fukudome as potentially the most prolific economic model of all time, as his batting average over the last season had a near perfect correlation with the Down Jones Industrial Average in the offseason.
Deciding Factor: In this division, the Cubs should have no trouble building up their fanbase’s expectations during the regular season only to crush them in their traditional manner in the playoffs like a glass at a Jewish wedding.
Fun Fact: Having exposed the racism of Canada, Cleveland, California and Texas, Milton Bradley seems to have completed his Odyssey, as he finally finds himself in a city with absolutely no history of racial conflict whatsoever.
Houston Astros
Strengths: Roy Oswalt and Lance Berkman are pretty damn awesome for guys nobody cares about.
Weaknesses: Houston can expect a return to form from set-up man LaTroy Hawkins. Unfortunately, that form sucks.
Deciding Factor: Houston signed pitcher Mike Hampton this offseason, and if he stays healthy, he could be a huge advantage for this team. That is to say, if he can stay healthy, everybody else in the world will die of shock, and with Hampton as the only surviving baseball player, Houston would win the World Series by default. Although he’d probably hurt himself taking the NLCS trophy and have to go on the DL for the World Series.
Fun Fact: What kind of ****ing name is Wandy? Wandy Rodriguez? Is that a typo?
Milwaukee Brewers
Strengths: At the end of last year, there were fears that the competition between Ben Sheets and CC Sabathia for the title of team ace could cause dissent in the clubhouse. This problem was neatly avoided by making sure that this year there are no pitchers even remotely close to ace-like, so whoever gets to be the pseudo-ace will just be happy not to be in the minor leagues.
Weaknesses: Prince Fielder on meat: 50 HR, .288/.395/.618, 156 OPS+
Prince Fielder as a vegetarian (through the end of last season): 34 HR, .276/.372/.507, 128 OPS+
At this point, even PETA wants Fielder to eat a god damn steak, because they need him to rake for their fantasy teams.
Deciding Factor: If Trevor Hoffman can continue to defy all logic and continue to rack up saves, the Brewers still wouldn’t win the division, but he would at least be able to brag about defying all logic.
Fun Fact: Ryan "The Hebrew Hammer" Braun offers a magnificent opportunity, in that Jewish people will finally have a new token athlete to mention, because we've all had enough of this Sandy Koufax bullshit.
Pittsburgh Pirates
Strengths: None
Weaknesses: Dude, they’re the Pittsburgh Pirates. Just writing about that team saps my will to live, halfway through this writeup and I already want to take a blowdryer into the tub with me. God only knows how it must feel for them, the fact that any have survived is a miracle.
Deciding Factor: The only way you’ll see anybody in the Pittsburgh clubhouse this October is if they want to use the HDTVs to watch the Steelers.
Fun Fact: In a survey in which all MLB players were asked to list the 30 MLB teams, Pittsburgh was absent from all but 4 lists, including those of Pirates players. Teams that got more mentions include the Montreal Expos, the Bad News Bears, and “that team from Bugs at Bat”
St. Louis Cardinals
Strengths: Chris Carpenter could be a great pitcher if he is able to stay healthy this year. Of course, Ted Williams could be a great hitter if he is able to stay healthy this year, but I wouldn’t be drafting him in fantasy, mainly because he’s dead.
Weaknesses: Their big offseason acquisition was Khalil Greene. The rest of the division is surely trembling in fear at his beastly .213/.260/.339 line last year.
Deciding Factor: If Tony La Russa can find the cloning facilities on Kamino and convince them to clone Albert Pujols instead of Jango Fett, then they can build an unstoppable team of Pujols, able to destroy all those who stand in their way. However, this would allow General Manager John Mozeliak to topple the feeble Bud Selig and rule as the evil Emperor of Baseball for decades of darkness. If they can manage to do this, they will not only dominate MLB for the next decade, but they will also have lived up to a far better plot than George Lucas was able to put together.
Fun Fact: St. Louis have the luxury of choosing their closer from a wide range of pitchers this spring, ranging from random prospect who got called up and pitched 40 innings last season to random prospect who got called up and pitched 10 innings last season.
(Division previews inspired by The Onion Sports, The Brushback Report, Gamefaqs Forums, and various substances of questionable legality)
Cincinatti Reds
Strengths: Homer Bailey is an awesome name for a future All Star slugger. Wait, you say he’s a pitcher? Is that some kind of a sick joke?
Weaknesses: Dusty Baker is surrounded by pussies who can’t pitch 300+ innings in a season. Screw inning counts, 300 was good enough for Cy it should be good enough for these wimps.
Deciding Factor: Edinson Volquez had a great first half last year before fading into obscurity, where he joined the rest of his teammates and the entire city of Cincinatti. That should be enough motivation to drive him to success this year. Or at least forcing a trade to get him out of that hellhole.
Fun Fact: Cincinatti’s Great American Ball Park is the only major league stadium where you can bunt a homerun over the center field wall.
Chicago Cubs
Strengths: With the addition of Kevin Gregg and Aaron Heilman, the Cubs can solve the dangerous problem of having too many late game leads.
Weaknesses: Economists are examining Kosuke Fukudome as potentially the most prolific economic model of all time, as his batting average over the last season had a near perfect correlation with the Down Jones Industrial Average in the offseason.
Deciding Factor: In this division, the Cubs should have no trouble building up their fanbase’s expectations during the regular season only to crush them in their traditional manner in the playoffs like a glass at a Jewish wedding.
Fun Fact: Having exposed the racism of Canada, Cleveland, California and Texas, Milton Bradley seems to have completed his Odyssey, as he finally finds himself in a city with absolutely no history of racial conflict whatsoever.
Houston Astros
Strengths: Roy Oswalt and Lance Berkman are pretty damn awesome for guys nobody cares about.
Weaknesses: Houston can expect a return to form from set-up man LaTroy Hawkins. Unfortunately, that form sucks.
Deciding Factor: Houston signed pitcher Mike Hampton this offseason, and if he stays healthy, he could be a huge advantage for this team. That is to say, if he can stay healthy, everybody else in the world will die of shock, and with Hampton as the only surviving baseball player, Houston would win the World Series by default. Although he’d probably hurt himself taking the NLCS trophy and have to go on the DL for the World Series.
Fun Fact: What kind of ****ing name is Wandy? Wandy Rodriguez? Is that a typo?
Milwaukee Brewers
Strengths: At the end of last year, there were fears that the competition between Ben Sheets and CC Sabathia for the title of team ace could cause dissent in the clubhouse. This problem was neatly avoided by making sure that this year there are no pitchers even remotely close to ace-like, so whoever gets to be the pseudo-ace will just be happy not to be in the minor leagues.
Weaknesses: Prince Fielder on meat: 50 HR, .288/.395/.618, 156 OPS+
Prince Fielder as a vegetarian (through the end of last season): 34 HR, .276/.372/.507, 128 OPS+
At this point, even PETA wants Fielder to eat a god damn steak, because they need him to rake for their fantasy teams.
Deciding Factor: If Trevor Hoffman can continue to defy all logic and continue to rack up saves, the Brewers still wouldn’t win the division, but he would at least be able to brag about defying all logic.
Fun Fact: Ryan "The Hebrew Hammer" Braun offers a magnificent opportunity, in that Jewish people will finally have a new token athlete to mention, because we've all had enough of this Sandy Koufax bullshit.
Pittsburgh Pirates
Strengths: None
Weaknesses: Dude, they’re the Pittsburgh Pirates. Just writing about that team saps my will to live, halfway through this writeup and I already want to take a blowdryer into the tub with me. God only knows how it must feel for them, the fact that any have survived is a miracle.
Deciding Factor: The only way you’ll see anybody in the Pittsburgh clubhouse this October is if they want to use the HDTVs to watch the Steelers.
Fun Fact: In a survey in which all MLB players were asked to list the 30 MLB teams, Pittsburgh was absent from all but 4 lists, including those of Pirates players. Teams that got more mentions include the Montreal Expos, the Bad News Bears, and “that team from Bugs at Bat”
St. Louis Cardinals
Strengths: Chris Carpenter could be a great pitcher if he is able to stay healthy this year. Of course, Ted Williams could be a great hitter if he is able to stay healthy this year, but I wouldn’t be drafting him in fantasy, mainly because he’s dead.
Weaknesses: Their big offseason acquisition was Khalil Greene. The rest of the division is surely trembling in fear at his beastly .213/.260/.339 line last year.
Deciding Factor: If Tony La Russa can find the cloning facilities on Kamino and convince them to clone Albert Pujols instead of Jango Fett, then they can build an unstoppable team of Pujols, able to destroy all those who stand in their way. However, this would allow General Manager John Mozeliak to topple the feeble Bud Selig and rule as the evil Emperor of Baseball for decades of darkness. If they can manage to do this, they will not only dominate MLB for the next decade, but they will also have lived up to a far better plot than George Lucas was able to put together.
Fun Fact: St. Louis have the luxury of choosing their closer from a wide range of pitchers this spring, ranging from random prospect who got called up and pitched 40 innings last season to random prospect who got called up and pitched 10 innings last season.
(Division previews inspired by The Onion Sports, The Brushback Report, Gamefaqs Forums, and various substances of questionable legality)
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Outpitched by that guy from the Aflac commercials
Indians - 10 @ Yankees - 2
At the beginning of the game, Lee looked like crap, and I figured the Yankees had it in the bag. But Sabathia threw 120+ pitches in 5.2 innings while allowing a lone run, while Cliff Lee somehow managed 6 innings of 1 run ball. So it was 1-1 entering the 7th.
Then the Yankees bullpen came in.
It's a really bad sign when Yogi Berra's first pitch was in the dirt and he still pitched better than the Yankees bullpen.
At the beginning of the game, Lee looked like crap, and I figured the Yankees had it in the bag. But Sabathia threw 120+ pitches in 5.2 innings while allowing a lone run, while Cliff Lee somehow managed 6 innings of 1 run ball. So it was 1-1 entering the 7th.
Then the Yankees bullpen came in.
It's a really bad sign when Yogi Berra's first pitch was in the dirt and he still pitched better than the Yankees bullpen.
Wakefield
By the way, I gotta actually be serious here for a moment and say, as a Red Sox fan, how much I was hoping Wakefield would get the no hitter. Wakefield is my favorite player, even if he's not the best, and it would have been nice to see. But even if he didn't make history, Wake did great, especially when the Sox were amidst a 3 game slide and had used their bullpen for 11.2 innings the night before. Gave the Red Sox exactly what they needed and far more than they expected.
So, this is my shoutout to my main man Tim Wakefield for coming up big when the team needed him and being an awesome guy in general
Of course, you'd think that just by the sheer mathematics of it, Wakefield would have pitched a no hitter sometime between when he entered the league during the McKinley administration and now.
So, this is my shoutout to my main man Tim Wakefield for coming up big when the team needed him and being an awesome guy in general
Of course, you'd think that just by the sheer mathematics of it, Wakefield would have pitched a no hitter sometime between when he entered the league during the McKinley administration and now.
NL West Preview
~~NL West~~
Weaknesses: The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon could probably pitch better than her namesake at this point.
Deciding factor: Starting rotation has the opportunity to keep the deficit in each game manageable for the mediocre offense until the bullpen comes in and does their best impression of
Fun fact: Whenever I see Brandon Webb’s name and am trying to think of a fun fact to put in an NL West preseason preview, I think of Spiderman, and how awesome it’d be if Spiderman played in the MLB. Hell, I’d even watch Toby McGwire play in the MLB with no powers, because there’s no way that his baseball career could be worse than Spiderman 3.
Strengths: Jeff Francis is a legitimate ace with a 4.74 career ERA, which after applying the Coors Field conversion factor is about a -327.00 ERA.
Weaknesses: The
Deciding factor:
Fun fact: Todd Helton’s beard has better range than Derek Jeter.
Strengths: Dodgers fans can expect good things from Juan Pierre if it turns out that he was recently released after being kidnapped in 1999 and had no relation to the impostor who has been playing for the last decade.
Weaknesses: Russ Martin is playing for Team
Deciding factor:
Fun fact: The Dodgers have found a way to battle economic hard times by selling tickets that are only good for the first two innings and last two innings, a time period where they have a surplus of empty seats.
Weaknesses: Some guy I’ve never heard of called Adrian Gonzalez plays at first, who might have had a shot at a career if he didn’t get signed by the Padres.
Deciding factor: If the other 15 teams in the National League disband, the Padres would have a roughly 20% chance of making the World Series.
Fun fact: If the goal of the game was to have more runs than your opponent at the end of 9 innings, the Padres would be in horrible shape.
Strengths: In the unlikely event that you are ever at AT&T Park for a Giants game, there are as usually 9 discrete, 15-minute breaks in the action to get concessions or go to the bathroom that conveniently start right after the last opposing batter of an inning makes an out and then end right before the first opposing batter of the next inning comes to bat.
Weaknesses: Team is slightly imbalanced by the lack of players with between 5 and 5000 games worth of experience.
Deciding factor: Matt Cain’s W-L record will actually turn out to be the greatest practical joke in
Fun fact: The only way pitcher Tim Lincecum could have been more dominating last year would have been if he had had the opportunity to pitch against the Giants a few times.
(Division previews inspired by The Onion Sports, The Brushback Report, Gamefaqs Forums, and various substances of questionable legality)
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Joe Girardi Hits the Bottle...
Or at least that's what appears to have happened during Monday's Yanks-Rays game. Granted, I am extraordinarily fond of a glass (or six) of a proper single malt Scotch whisky every now and again...and by "every now and again" I mean every afternoon. And evening before dinner. And after dinner. And before bedtime. And after I wake up and realize that "bedtime" is just a euphemism for passing out facedown on the couch in the common room down the hall and waking up to a re-run of the Ellen DeGeneres show on the TV.
But that is neither here nor there. And I am also not managing the Yankees. Joe Girardi, however, is managing the Yankees. And in Monday's rather lopsided loss to the Rays, Joe decided that Nick Swisher was the best bullpen arm he could summon. Not sure how I feel about this one. On one hand, I am a big fan of any and all kinds of shenanigans and tomfoolery that could and do occur during ballgames, and position players pitching is often highly entertaining, plus the Yanks were down ten runs with an inning to play. But on the other hand is the Yanks' bullpen really that exhausted seven games into the season? If the 'pen is that gassed this early, Joe better start calling the YES Network people to see if they're still holding his old job for him, because he won't be keeping Captain Jetes, Sabathia Claus, and Weapon X* company in the dugout much longer. This kind of stunt belongs in August when the Yanks are seven games out of a playoff spot and Joe is trying to figure out which teams are looking to hire a bench coach. I feel guilty criticizing this move, because that is one of the least relevant innings of baseball the Yanks will play all year. But in Tampa? Where The Boss, even though he's really not doing well these days, still hates to lose to the Rays about as much as Indiana Jones hates snakes and Nazis? Bad idea. I like Joe, I think he's a good manager, and I don't want to see him fired. As much as I enjoy watching position players pitch, and I'm sure I would have very much enjoyed watching Swish take a crack at pitching, I can't help but feel that this was a rather poor decision for a guy who is on the hot seat this year simply because he manages the Yankees.
*Weapon X would be Xavier Nady, who incidentally should be riding the pine in place of Swisher. A career four months (not even a full season!!) for the f***ing Pirates shouldn't make you the Yankees starting right fielder, especially when you still can't hit right-handers. Have to give a shout-out to Where Have You Gone, Andy Van Slyke for that nickname- Pat Lackey does great stuff at WHYGAVS and is probably the main reason why I started reading baseball blogs- once I did start, I found some great stuff at several blogs, but Pat was the first blog of great writing by a regular fan that I came across. So go read him too- he's great. And sorry Pat for taking a shot at the Pirates- it's just too easy, and clearly we need all the help we can get here.
And now I feel shitty for raining on the "this inning doesn't matter for shit so let's screw around" parade. So here's me making up for it: as a Canadiens fan, I am supposed to strongly dislike if not flat out hate the Bruins, especially now that they are playing the Canadiens in the playoffs yet again- but I do have to hand it to their marketing/media people, this commercial is funny as hell. That said, Go Habs!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cr89xbl26g
But that is neither here nor there. And I am also not managing the Yankees. Joe Girardi, however, is managing the Yankees. And in Monday's rather lopsided loss to the Rays, Joe decided that Nick Swisher was the best bullpen arm he could summon. Not sure how I feel about this one. On one hand, I am a big fan of any and all kinds of shenanigans and tomfoolery that could and do occur during ballgames, and position players pitching is often highly entertaining, plus the Yanks were down ten runs with an inning to play. But on the other hand is the Yanks' bullpen really that exhausted seven games into the season? If the 'pen is that gassed this early, Joe better start calling the YES Network people to see if they're still holding his old job for him, because he won't be keeping Captain Jetes, Sabathia Claus, and Weapon X* company in the dugout much longer. This kind of stunt belongs in August when the Yanks are seven games out of a playoff spot and Joe is trying to figure out which teams are looking to hire a bench coach. I feel guilty criticizing this move, because that is one of the least relevant innings of baseball the Yanks will play all year. But in Tampa? Where The Boss, even though he's really not doing well these days, still hates to lose to the Rays about as much as Indiana Jones hates snakes and Nazis? Bad idea. I like Joe, I think he's a good manager, and I don't want to see him fired. As much as I enjoy watching position players pitch, and I'm sure I would have very much enjoyed watching Swish take a crack at pitching, I can't help but feel that this was a rather poor decision for a guy who is on the hot seat this year simply because he manages the Yankees.
*Weapon X would be Xavier Nady, who incidentally should be riding the pine in place of Swisher. A career four months (not even a full season!!) for the f***ing Pirates shouldn't make you the Yankees starting right fielder, especially when you still can't hit right-handers. Have to give a shout-out to Where Have You Gone, Andy Van Slyke for that nickname- Pat Lackey does great stuff at WHYGAVS and is probably the main reason why I started reading baseball blogs- once I did start, I found some great stuff at several blogs, but Pat was the first blog of great writing by a regular fan that I came across. So go read him too- he's great. And sorry Pat for taking a shot at the Pirates- it's just too easy, and clearly we need all the help we can get here.
And now I feel shitty for raining on the "this inning doesn't matter for shit so let's screw around" parade. So here's me making up for it: as a Canadiens fan, I am supposed to strongly dislike if not flat out hate the Bruins, especially now that they are playing the Canadiens in the playoffs yet again- but I do have to hand it to their marketing/media people, this commercial is funny as hell. That said, Go Habs!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cr89xbl26g
Sunday, April 12, 2009
AL West
~~~~AL West~~~~
*Los Angeles Angels*
Strengths: If they can continue to win far more games than they have any right to, and as long as Roger Bomman doesn’t become an atheist, they should be able to crush a pansy ass division like the AL West.
Weaknesses: Nobody will take Chone Figgins seriously as long as he tries to insist that it’s pronounced “Shawn”. If my name were spelled Agamemnon I couldn’t just go around telling people that it’s pronounced “Steve”.
Deciding Factor: Bobby Abreu did not prove to be a “true Yankee”, however, he has a chance to become a “true Angel” if he can dominate his division in the regular season and then choke in the playoffs. In related news, ARod was recently declared an honorary Angel.
Fun Fact: Vladimir Guerrero remains the only player to hit a homerun on an attempted pickoff throw to first.
*Oakland Athletics*
Strengths: Dallas Braden has a really manly name, unlike teammate and suspected girly man Dana Eveland. When I see Dallas Braden I think of a muscley guy prepared to kick your ass. When I see Dana Eveland I wonder if ESPN is screening “A League of Their Own”.
Weaknesses: The Athletics were unable to get enough funding for a project which sought to make their stadium more environmentally friendly by powering it with wind turbines powered by the gusts caused by Jack Cust swinging and missing.
Deciding Factor: Many expected the Athletics’ signing of superstar players and giving up prospects to herald the end of the world. Watch out for other signs like black dressed horsemen, false prophets, and fans in the ballpark after the seventh inning.
Fun Fact: Jason Giambi is so oily that had he been present in Jerusalem after the Maccabees defeated the Seleucids, he’d have fueled the eternal flame for months and Hannukah would be a year round celebration.
*Seattle Mariners*
Strengths: The honeymoon following the signing of Ken Griffey Jr. should be enough to keep suicide rates down among the Mariners' fans, though they probably won’t drop as low as the Mariners’ win percentage.
Weaknesses: Ichiro Suzuki is #1 on the depth chart at every position, but due to some silly rule can only play at one of them in each game.
Deciding Factor: Erik Bedard better pull himself together this season if he wants any chance of scoring mad pussy ever again. I hear that guy banged half of Baltimore. No idea why you'd ever want to though...
Fun Fact: Seattle acquired David Aardsma from the Red Sox, meaning that they will have the first player in every single alphabetical listing of MLB players. I mean, the dude’s name comes before Aardvark in the dictionary, how crazy is that?
*Texas Rangers*
Strengths: Between moving Young to third, calling up Elvis Andrus, signing Omar Vizquel as a backup and the hope of Ian Kinsler rebounding on defense, the Rangers defense should greatly improve in their ability to watch every other pitch to the opposing team end up in the bleachers.
Weaknesses: The Rangers had a 5.15 bullpen ERA last year. On most teams, you would think that was pathetic, but it was better than the ERA of their starting rotation, which was led by their “Ace” with a 5.07 ERA. I don’t even need to make a joke, the Rangers pitching IS a punchline.
Deciding Factor: The Rangers signed Andruw Jones this offseason. Their best hope is that he gets a horrible concussion, developing retrograde amnesia so he completely forgets his last two or three seasons. Of course, Dodgers and Braves fans have been banging their heads against walls for the last two years just hoping to get amnesia of Jones' performance for them and haven't had much luck.
Fun Fact: Josh Hamilton will suffer a tremendous blow this season when it turns out that he never had drug problems and it was just a publicity stunt, losing him support from the legions of Narcotics Anonymous members, which is a substantial population seeing as Rangers pitching is the leading cause of hardcore drug use in Texas.
(Division previews inspired by The Onion Sports, The Brushback Report, Gamefaqs Forums, and various substances of questionable legality)
*Los Angeles Angels*
Strengths: If they can continue to win far more games than they have any right to, and as long as Roger Bomman doesn’t become an atheist, they should be able to crush a pansy ass division like the AL West.
Weaknesses: Nobody will take Chone Figgins seriously as long as he tries to insist that it’s pronounced “Shawn”. If my name were spelled Agamemnon I couldn’t just go around telling people that it’s pronounced “Steve”.
Deciding Factor: Bobby Abreu did not prove to be a “true Yankee”, however, he has a chance to become a “true Angel” if he can dominate his division in the regular season and then choke in the playoffs. In related news, ARod was recently declared an honorary Angel.
Fun Fact: Vladimir Guerrero remains the only player to hit a homerun on an attempted pickoff throw to first.
*Oakland Athletics*
Strengths: Dallas Braden has a really manly name, unlike teammate and suspected girly man Dana Eveland. When I see Dallas Braden I think of a muscley guy prepared to kick your ass. When I see Dana Eveland I wonder if ESPN is screening “A League of Their Own”.
Weaknesses: The Athletics were unable to get enough funding for a project which sought to make their stadium more environmentally friendly by powering it with wind turbines powered by the gusts caused by Jack Cust swinging and missing.
Deciding Factor: Many expected the Athletics’ signing of superstar players and giving up prospects to herald the end of the world. Watch out for other signs like black dressed horsemen, false prophets, and fans in the ballpark after the seventh inning.
Fun Fact: Jason Giambi is so oily that had he been present in Jerusalem after the Maccabees defeated the Seleucids, he’d have fueled the eternal flame for months and Hannukah would be a year round celebration.
*Seattle Mariners*
Strengths: The honeymoon following the signing of Ken Griffey Jr. should be enough to keep suicide rates down among the Mariners' fans, though they probably won’t drop as low as the Mariners’ win percentage.
Weaknesses: Ichiro Suzuki is #1 on the depth chart at every position, but due to some silly rule can only play at one of them in each game.
Deciding Factor: Erik Bedard better pull himself together this season if he wants any chance of scoring mad pussy ever again. I hear that guy banged half of Baltimore. No idea why you'd ever want to though...
Fun Fact: Seattle acquired David Aardsma from the Red Sox, meaning that they will have the first player in every single alphabetical listing of MLB players. I mean, the dude’s name comes before Aardvark in the dictionary, how crazy is that?
*Texas Rangers*
Strengths: Between moving Young to third, calling up Elvis Andrus, signing Omar Vizquel as a backup and the hope of Ian Kinsler rebounding on defense, the Rangers defense should greatly improve in their ability to watch every other pitch to the opposing team end up in the bleachers.
Weaknesses: The Rangers had a 5.15 bullpen ERA last year. On most teams, you would think that was pathetic, but it was better than the ERA of their starting rotation, which was led by their “Ace” with a 5.07 ERA. I don’t even need to make a joke, the Rangers pitching IS a punchline.
Deciding Factor: The Rangers signed Andruw Jones this offseason. Their best hope is that he gets a horrible concussion, developing retrograde amnesia so he completely forgets his last two or three seasons. Of course, Dodgers and Braves fans have been banging their heads against walls for the last two years just hoping to get amnesia of Jones' performance for them and haven't had much luck.
Fun Fact: Josh Hamilton will suffer a tremendous blow this season when it turns out that he never had drug problems and it was just a publicity stunt, losing him support from the legions of Narcotics Anonymous members, which is a substantial population seeing as Rangers pitching is the leading cause of hardcore drug use in Texas.
(Division previews inspired by The Onion Sports, The Brushback Report, Gamefaqs Forums, and various substances of questionable legality)
Saturday, April 11, 2009
AL Central Preview
~~AL Central~~
Strengths: With guys like Buehrle, Danks and Gavin Floyd just in the rotation,
Weaknesses: AJ Pierzynski is running out of things to say to mess with opposing batters, and has resorted to asking random questions and saying “that’s what she said” regardless of whether it makes any sense in context.
Deciding factor: The team has a chance to greatly increase its payroll due to the success of Ozzie Guillen scrabble, which introduces * as a letter and gives bonuses for the number of people insulted when you spell out a word or phrase.
Fun fact: Starting pitcher Bartolo Colon is unique in that while many people have been described as “eating enough for a small African country”,
Strengths: Lead the league in pitchers who were really good for one year and mediocre to horrible otherwise.
Weaknesses: Jhonny Peralta has such poor range at shortstop that the Indians are considering hiring Barry Bonds to replace him with the hope that his enormous head will physically block all balls hit to the left side of the diamond.
Deciding factor: Grady Sizemore’s name is suspiciously similar to Grady Little. It’s going to take more than just a few years as one of the best offensive centerfielders in baseball to convince people that this isn’t a coincidence.
Fun fact: The Indians have two of the most badass names in baseball: Asdrubal and Fausto.
Strengths: Cannot possibly disappoint more than they did last year, so it’s all uphill from here. Or at least continued progress at the same altitude.
Weaknesses: Release of new Guitar Hero is expected to decimate the pitching staff to the point where they may have to recruit random fans to close out games.
Deciding factor: Tigers management has implemented a new "pegging" rule this spring in hopes of teaching Miguel Cabrera that the whole "fat kid in dodgeball" look has its drawbacks.
Fun fact: Magglio Ordonez’s hair is so springy that the army is looking to use it in the development of special new woven bulletproof vests that will repel bullets back at assailants.
Strengths: Will undoubtedly win more games than there are fans of or players on the Kansas City Royals who are satisfied with their lives.
Weaknesses: Being in
Deciding factor: Pitching is clearly not Kyle Farnsworth’s thing, so I have no idea why they’re trying to leave him there. You wouldn’t leave David Ortiz at shortstop. Put him in his natural position: “guy who beats the hell out of the entire opposing team” where he can be put to the most use. The only reason I can think of that this hasn’t happened already is that he Farnbustered whoever tried to tell him he couldn’t pitch.
Fun fact: Addition of Coco Crisp, along with players Brian Bannister, David DeJesus and Billy Butler makes the alliteration-iest team in baseball.
Strengths: Due in part to experimental breeding techniques to multiply their “scrappy” players, have become the most frustrating team in AL Central, with a PESKY rating of 7.3
Weaknesses: A Canadian is arguably the best player on their team. This is the equivalent of a white guy being the best player on a basketball team.
Deciding factor: They almost won the AL Central by default when everybody else sucked this year, they have a chance if everybody sucks again, but even worse this time.
Fun fact: They should never have gotten rid of Tom Brunansky, that guy was money in RBI Baseball for the NES.
(Division previews inspired by The Onion Sports, The Brushback Report, Gamefaqs Forums, and various substances of questionable legality)
Thursday, April 9, 2009
AL East Preview
We start off with an informative preview of this year in MLB, starting with the AL East.
~~~~AL East~~~~
Baltimore Orioles
Strengths: In a few years, Orioles fans will look back at this team and appreciate the fact that the 2012 Orioles at least have a shot at 4th in the division, which will have seemed impossible after their 2009 season.
Weaknesses: Felix Pie pronounces his name like a Frenchman instead of a delicious, patriotic pastry. This hatred of freedom will inevitably cause some drama in the clubhouse.
Deciding Factor: If Cal Ripken Jr. came out of retirement, and played at the same level as his peak years, and carried the team to a winning record, it might make it slightly more difficult for the visiting teams fans to fill the park.
Fun Fact: GM Andy MacPhail has the most accurate name in baseball since 1950s pitcher “Michael Kantwin”, who did not win a single major league game in his entire career, primarily due to the fact that he didn’t actually exist.
Boston Red Sox
Strengths: With the additions of Smoltz, Penny and Baldelli along with extensions to Pedroia and Youkilis, the front office is closing in on their goal of a roster of 25 “gritty”, “team-oriented” white guys.
Weaknesses: Julio Lugo
Deciding Factor: The Red Sox are currently appealing to Major League Baseball to allow them to DH for their catcher instead of their pitcher. This change would improve their offense roughly as much as if your local beer league first baseman were replaced with Albert Pujols .
Fun Fact: With the departure of Manny Ramirez and Curt Schilling, there is a power vacuum in the field of “causing unnecessary drama”. Who will step up to fill the void? My money’s on Tim Wakefield. That nice guy façade doesn’t trick me, he was just biding his time until he could take the “Team Asshole” throne unopposed.
New York Yankees
Strengths: The Yankees have finally managed to shed the popular opinion of the other 29 teams, their fans, and most of America that the Yankees try to buy a Championship every year. This was achieved by signing public opinion to an 8 year, $200 million deal.
Weaknesses: Despite his best efforts, Alex Rodriguez has only made the front page of the New York Post in about one-fifth of its issues this offseason. Of course, it should come as no surprise that A-Rod is hitting .200 after September.
Deciding Factor: The Yankees have a great shot at the division unless they forget to stock the postgame buffet for CC Sabathia, as there is a good chance that the team would function less effectively if everybody else on the roster was eaten alive in between games.
Fun Fact: The federal government tried to get the Yankees to bail out the entire US Financial system. The Yankees were unwilling to do so as the Financial System plays shortstop and the Yankees aren’t willing to move Jeter, despite the Financial System having better range.
Tampa Bay Rays
Strengths: The number of players on the roster who have been convicted of domestic violence has dropped significantly in the past few years. While it may seem boring to some, there are a few benefits of having players who can hit a ball instead of a spouse.
Weaknesses: If Rookie of the Year frontrunner David Price does not win the award, Evan Longoria will probably be a real douchebag about it. You know, “accidentally” leaving his RotY trophy outside of Price’s locker and comforting Price with “It’s okay, not ALL top prospects are completely awesome right from the start.”
Deciding Factor: The Rays are hoping that their entire bullpen can recapture the form that led every single player in their bullpen to have the best year of their life last year. This would be preferable to them recapturing the form that made them suck every other year in their careers.
Fun Fact: Jokes that play off the similarity between the names of Evan Longoria and Eva Longoria never get old. Speaking of which, if they had kids, they should totally hyphenate the last names, so you could have Evan Longoria-Longoria Junior.
Toronto Blue Jays
Strengths: In recent years, Toronto has had the talent to contend in the AL East but has repeatedly underperformed when their dominant-on-paper pitching rotation kept getting injured or unlucky. Toronto will not have that problem this year, having already lost all their decent pitchers except Roy Halladay, and thus ridding themselves of any of this so-called “potential".
Weaknesses: Starting pitching, starting lineup, bench, being in Canada
Deciding Factor: Roy Halladay pitched 246 innings last year for a 2.78 ERA. If he can double that inning count and improve his ERA, Toronto MIGHT be able to come in 3rd in the division.
Fun Fact: Due to the exchange rate, a run scored in Canada is worth only .85 American runs.
(Division previews inspired by The Onion Sports, The Brushback Report, Gamefaqs Forums, and various substances of questionable legality)
~~~~AL East~~~~
Baltimore Orioles
Strengths: In a few years, Orioles fans will look back at this team and appreciate the fact that the 2012 Orioles at least have a shot at 4th in the division, which will have seemed impossible after their 2009 season.
Weaknesses: Felix Pie pronounces his name like a Frenchman instead of a delicious, patriotic pastry. This hatred of freedom will inevitably cause some drama in the clubhouse.
Deciding Factor: If Cal Ripken Jr. came out of retirement, and played at the same level as his peak years, and carried the team to a winning record, it might make it slightly more difficult for the visiting teams fans to fill the park.
Fun Fact: GM Andy MacPhail has the most accurate name in baseball since 1950s pitcher “Michael Kantwin”, who did not win a single major league game in his entire career, primarily due to the fact that he didn’t actually exist.
Boston Red Sox
Strengths: With the additions of Smoltz, Penny and Baldelli along with extensions to Pedroia and Youkilis, the front office is closing in on their goal of a roster of 25 “gritty”, “team-oriented” white guys.
Weaknesses: Julio Lugo
Deciding Factor: The Red Sox are currently appealing to Major League Baseball to allow them to DH for their catcher instead of their pitcher. This change would improve their offense roughly as much as if your local beer league first baseman were replaced with Albert Pujols .
Fun Fact: With the departure of Manny Ramirez and Curt Schilling, there is a power vacuum in the field of “causing unnecessary drama”. Who will step up to fill the void? My money’s on Tim Wakefield. That nice guy façade doesn’t trick me, he was just biding his time until he could take the “Team Asshole” throne unopposed.
New York Yankees
Strengths: The Yankees have finally managed to shed the popular opinion of the other 29 teams, their fans, and most of America that the Yankees try to buy a Championship every year. This was achieved by signing public opinion to an 8 year, $200 million deal.
Weaknesses: Despite his best efforts, Alex Rodriguez has only made the front page of the New York Post in about one-fifth of its issues this offseason. Of course, it should come as no surprise that A-Rod is hitting .200 after September.
Deciding Factor: The Yankees have a great shot at the division unless they forget to stock the postgame buffet for CC Sabathia, as there is a good chance that the team would function less effectively if everybody else on the roster was eaten alive in between games.
Fun Fact: The federal government tried to get the Yankees to bail out the entire US Financial system. The Yankees were unwilling to do so as the Financial System plays shortstop and the Yankees aren’t willing to move Jeter, despite the Financial System having better range.
Tampa Bay Rays
Strengths: The number of players on the roster who have been convicted of domestic violence has dropped significantly in the past few years. While it may seem boring to some, there are a few benefits of having players who can hit a ball instead of a spouse.
Weaknesses: If Rookie of the Year frontrunner David Price does not win the award, Evan Longoria will probably be a real douchebag about it. You know, “accidentally” leaving his RotY trophy outside of Price’s locker and comforting Price with “It’s okay, not ALL top prospects are completely awesome right from the start.”
Deciding Factor: The Rays are hoping that their entire bullpen can recapture the form that led every single player in their bullpen to have the best year of their life last year. This would be preferable to them recapturing the form that made them suck every other year in their careers.
Fun Fact: Jokes that play off the similarity between the names of Evan Longoria and Eva Longoria never get old. Speaking of which, if they had kids, they should totally hyphenate the last names, so you could have Evan Longoria-Longoria Junior.
Toronto Blue Jays
Strengths: In recent years, Toronto has had the talent to contend in the AL East but has repeatedly underperformed when their dominant-on-paper pitching rotation kept getting injured or unlucky. Toronto will not have that problem this year, having already lost all their decent pitchers except Roy Halladay, and thus ridding themselves of any of this so-called “potential".
Weaknesses: Starting pitching, starting lineup, bench, being in Canada
Deciding Factor: Roy Halladay pitched 246 innings last year for a 2.78 ERA. If he can double that inning count and improve his ERA, Toronto MIGHT be able to come in 3rd in the division.
Fun Fact: Due to the exchange rate, a run scored in Canada is worth only .85 American runs.
(Division previews inspired by The Onion Sports, The Brushback Report, Gamefaqs Forums, and various substances of questionable legality)
It's Opening Day
Or at least it was recently. I'm not good with deadlines. I remember them- I just don't ever really meet them. I should know better than to do a cheesy Opening Day post, mostly because Alec will probably question my sexuality for it, but it's hard to resist, and it wouldn't be the first time he insinuated I was gay. I love baseball. I wouldn't be making an ass of myself on this blog if I didn't. And Opening Day is great, don't get me wrong- it's a beautiful celebration of the return of our great game after winter; it wipes away the slog of the winter months and the unreal nature of spring training in some far-away sunshiney state and gives us the concrete reality of games being played in familiar stadiums again. And I, like every other baseball fan, celebrate and enjoy Opening Day- I've been to a lot of ballgames, but an Opening Day is something I've never done and would love to do. But Opening Day isn't what really does it for me. What I love and treasure as the real indication that the game I love has returned is the day after Opening Day- the second game of the season. There's so much pomp and circumstance associated with the simple reality that we're playing real baseball games again that the game itself falls by the wayside. Day 2 is what it's really about- just baseball. (Sans beer, if you're unlucky enough to be in Toronto...shouldn't they give you beer just for having to live in Canada?) Day 2 is the beautiful reality of a 180 day, 162 game season setting in- baseball is back, and it's here for the long haul. It's like Opening Day is too beautiful and perfect to be true, and the day after is baseball telling you "Relax, I'm back. And I'm not going anywhere." Nevermind that it left us to face the fall and winter cold and alone, as the former Comissioner Giamatti said, the game has returned, and will be our comfort and our friend through the long, lazy summer days for which it is so perfectly suited.
Rejected Blog Names
Cult of Julio Lugo
Third Out at Third
Julian Tavarez's Porn Star Ambitions
The Wallzie
Dock Ellis' Magical Mushrooms
Manny Ramirez's Unicorns
Pregame Ceremonies
Hello, we are Alec Trevelyan and Terence Mann. Welcome to this blog, which represents the corporeal form of our obsession.
The first thing you should know is that we both love baseball. We're not just talking "Watch the home team at the local sports bar a few nights a week" love here. No, we're talking "watching two last place teams from the opposite side of the country play instead of being productive of sleeping" love.
We are two guys who can derive genuine enjoyment watching two teams we don't care about. We discuss baseball trades and minor leaguers in the off season. We have played hundreds of games of the RBI Baseball for the NES in the last few years, discussing random baseball stories and cursing (or cheering) the fact that Nolan Ryan is apparently the best hitter on the 1986 Houston Astros. We argue Hall of Fame cases, we talk about awesome and horrible facial hair, and we hire hitmen for certain closers who couldn't hold a 9th inning, 3-run lead if you spotted them a leadoff double play.
Mostly, we just like talking baseball. And making fun of Julio Lugo.
Our plan here is nonexistent, as plans are for wimps. We're making this up as we go along. We basically want to talk baseball, make fun of people, and otherwise get some cathartic release for our obsession.
There will be humor and there will be actual analysis, though we will seek to provide a proper balance which involves disappointing amounts of both. We draw inspiration from Fire Joe Morgan, the Onion Sports, the Brushback Report, and your mom.
~~About the Authors~~
Alec and Terence are a pair of college juniors who also happen to be horrible people. These descriptions are subject to change depending on how extroverted and hyperbolic we are feeling at the time.
Alec is a born and raised Red Sox fan from just outside New Haven, CT: the Gaza Strip of Baseball fandom.
Terence is a Yankees, Twins and Phillies fan due family relations and the fact that he makes no sense.
So, without further ado, let's begin.
The first thing you should know is that we both love baseball. We're not just talking "Watch the home team at the local sports bar a few nights a week" love here. No, we're talking "watching two last place teams from the opposite side of the country play instead of being productive of sleeping" love.
We are two guys who can derive genuine enjoyment watching two teams we don't care about. We discuss baseball trades and minor leaguers in the off season. We have played hundreds of games of the RBI Baseball for the NES in the last few years, discussing random baseball stories and cursing (or cheering) the fact that Nolan Ryan is apparently the best hitter on the 1986 Houston Astros. We argue Hall of Fame cases, we talk about awesome and horrible facial hair, and we hire hitmen for certain closers who couldn't hold a 9th inning, 3-run lead if you spotted them a leadoff double play.
Mostly, we just like talking baseball. And making fun of Julio Lugo.
Our plan here is nonexistent, as plans are for wimps. We're making this up as we go along. We basically want to talk baseball, make fun of people, and otherwise get some cathartic release for our obsession.
There will be humor and there will be actual analysis, though we will seek to provide a proper balance which involves disappointing amounts of both. We draw inspiration from Fire Joe Morgan, the Onion Sports, the Brushback Report, and your mom.
~~About the Authors~~
Alec and Terence are a pair of college juniors who also happen to be horrible people. These descriptions are subject to change depending on how extroverted and hyperbolic we are feeling at the time.
Alec is a born and raised Red Sox fan from just outside New Haven, CT: the Gaza Strip of Baseball fandom.
Terence is a Yankees, Twins and Phillies fan due family relations and the fact that he makes no sense.
So, without further ado, let's begin.
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