Two Strike Bunt

2010 NL East Preview

2010-04-16T20:30:00.002-04:00

~~~~~NL EAST~~~~~

*Atlanta Braves *
Strengths: Signed Eric Hinske, so they are pretty much a lock for a World Series appearance.
Weaknesses: Brian McCann got special glasses last year to help correct his vision and improve his hitting. Unfortunately, this improvement is counteracted by the constant battering of his self-esteem from being called “four eyes” in the locker room.
Deciding Factor: Chipper Jones could have a great year if he stays healthy. In related news, the Braves could afford a much higher payroll if they won the lottery ten times in the next week, which is probably about as likely to happen.
Fun Fact: As the career leader in managerial ejections, Bobby Cox has been had so many early departures from ballgames that he has been made an honorary Dodgers fan.

*Florida Marlins*
Strengths: Going to a Marlins game is basically a cheaper alternative to a tanning booth, as you end up being there alone, getting plenty of sun, and with a bit of ambient noise and distractions that you can tune out with a pair of headphones.
Weaknesses: Remember when Hanley Ramirez was a guy who could not field for his life, but he could hit for average, blast homers, and steal bases? Well, Dan Uggla is that except for the hitting for average and stealing bases.
Deciding Factor: Will the Marlins manage to spend as much on their healthy players this year as the Mets spend on their disabled list?
Fun Fact: I chose Florida as one of my big upset picks in my March Madness Bracket, but that didn’t pan out. I guess that explains why the Marlins don’t play basketball very often.
Fun Fact 2: http://img249.imageshack.us/img249/5624/marlinslost.jpg

*New York Mets*
Strengths: The US military is recruiting Mets fans as battlefield messengers, knowing that if they are captured by the enemy, you can depend on them to hold up to interrogation, because after the past four years, they’re used to prolonged periods of rigorous torture.
Weaknesses: Citifield sapped David Wright’s power almost as much as the Mets’ play sapped their fans’ will to live.
Deciding Factor: Can Johan Santana invent a time machine and exercise his no-trade clause on his move to the Mets? That’s probably the only way to save his career.
Fun Fact: Obama’s new Health Care legislation is estimated to cost somewhere between $800 and $950 billion over the next ten years. So about half of what the Mets spend on health care in a season.

*Philadelphia Phillies*
Strengths: The Phillies signed workhorse Roy Halladay in the offseason with the knowledge that their best chance at success this year is to have the rotation make sure the bullpen never touches the ball, like a season long game of keep away with the fat kid in gym class.
Weaknesses: Brad Lidge starts this year on the DL. I know what some of you are thinking, that’s actually a strength. But Brad Lidge can actually blow saves pretty efficiently without even being on the active roster, so the weakness is that the Phillies haven’t shipped him off into outer space. .
Deciding Factor: Nobody cares how many homers Ryan Howard has in the Homerun Derby this year, the real betting action is on how many walks and strikeouts he gets in the competition.
Fun Fact: After being disappointing for most of last season, Jamie Moyer lost his starting job to Pedro Martinez after an August 9th loss to the Marlins. Pedro went on to pitch three games before Moyer’s last pitch of the outing reached the plate.

*Washington Nationals*
Strengths: Great position in draft for the next 15 years.
Weaknesses: You know that clichéd line about giving it 110%? If everybody on the Nationals did that, their talent would only be about 60% less than league average.
Deciding Factor: If Stephen Strasburg lives up to all the hype and becomes the best pitcher of his generation, Nationals fans can look forward to watching him pitch in a World Series game in six or seven years when he goes to a legitimate team.
Fun Fact: They have a pitcher named Craig Stammen. How does a family get named after plant genitalia?

==Quick Links==
~~2010 Predictions~~
2010 AL East Preview
2010 AL Central Preview
2010 AL West Preview
2010 NL East Preview
2010 NL Central Preview
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~~2009 Predictions~~
2009 AL East Preview
2009 AL Central Preview
2009 AL West Preview
2009 NL East Preview
2009 NL Central Preview
2009 NL West Preview

2010 NL Central Preview

2010-04-15T09:35:00.003-04:00

~~~~NL CENTRAL~~~~

*Chicago Cubs*
Strengths: Probably in the top ten best baseball teams in Chicago.
Weaknesses: Pattern recognition.
Deciding Factor: Insanity is sometimes defined as doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. I’m not crazy enough to think that there is any factor that will prevent the Cubs season from ending with failure, regret, and intense alcoholism.
Fun Fact: Carlos Marmol is a mohawk and that “turn-you-white” disease Michael Jackson supposedly had away from a role in a remake of “Major League”.

*Cincinatti Reds*
Strengths: Playing in Great American Ballpark with this offense and this pitching staff, you will not have to worry about very many of those boring pitchers’ duels.
Weaknesses: Micah Owings has a career 5.45 ERA and a career .879 OPS. Why the hell is he still a pitcher. That’s like making Frank Thomas a pinch runner or Kyle Farnsworth a baseball player.
Deciding Factor: Should Aroldis Chapman jump on a raft and head back to Cuba to face his penalty for defecting to the US? I’m pretty sure it would be healthier than pitching for Dusty Baker.
Fun Fact: If “Musician” Bronson Arroyo were as good as music as he was at baseball, he’d still be pretty average.

*Houston Astros*
Strengths: LaTroy Hawkins is no longer with the team, so the bullpen has almost inevitably improved.
Weaknesses: Must field at least eight players each day who are not Lance Berkman.
Deciding Factor: Starting pitcher Brett Myers has gone almost four years without being arraigned on domestic violence charge. If his rehab continues to be successful, will we have to find new jokes to make about him? I have a great one about how opposing batters usually slap him around almost as hard as he slaps his wife, and I don’t want it to go to waste.
Fun Fact: Astros shortstop Tommy Manzella has an awesome name. It sounds like some kind of manly cheese.

*Milwaukee Brewers*
Strengths: The Brewers no longer have Jason Kendall, whose OPS last year was .636. To put that in perspective, that was closer to how Oliver Perez did last year than it was to Jason Varitek.
Weaknesses: Have to play baseball in Milwaukee.
Deciding Factor: Can Trevor Hoffman get more saves this year than he gets mph on his fastball?
Fun Fact: Prince Fielder represents 50% of the African American population of Wisconsin (by volume).

*Pittsburgh Pirates*
Strengths: Pirates are nicknamed the “Buccaneers” in hopes that people will think they are a football team, think they're in the offseason, and not watch their pathetic excuse for a team.
Weaknesses: The Pirates are “rebuilding” again this year. After such devastating failure, you would think they’d have learned their lesson by now. They’re like the New Orleans of baseball teams.
Deciding Factor: The Pirates are ready to live a dream season this year. Of course, it’s like one of those dreams where you go to work without your clothes. Except they’re only wearing Pirates uniforms instead of underwear, which is far more embarrassing.
Fun Fact: Gitmo prison initially investigated playing Pirates games as a form of torture, but discontinued it in favor of waterboarding, which was believed to be more humane.

*St Louis Cardinals*
Strengths: You know when you went into the player editor in your favorite baseball game and maxed out the hitting stats on one of your players so that playing the game was basically easy mode? That’s what happened with Albert Pujols.
Weaknesses: “Carpenter and Wainwright and pray for a delayed flight” doesn’t have the same ring to it as “Spahn and Sain and pray for rain”.
Deciding Factor: http://img32.imageshack.us/img32/4990/cardinalsh.jpg
Fun Fact: When I first saw David Freese’s name, I thought it was a reference to Kevin Millar’s fake name in MVP Baseball 2005. Not as good as MLB Power Pros where he was “Great Johnson”. Hahahah Johnson.

==Quick Links==
~~2010 Predictions~~
2010 AL East Preview
2010 AL Central Preview
2010 AL West Preview
2010 NL East Preview
2010 NL Central Preview
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~~2009 Predictions~~
2009 AL East Preview
2009 AL Central Preview
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2009 NL East Preview
2009 NL Central Preview
2009 NL West Preview

2010 NL West Preview

2010-04-11T14:42:00.003-04:00

~~~~~NL WEST~~~~~

*Arizona Diamondbacks*
Strengths: Great mix of players who have shown lots of potential (Justin Upton), players I hear have lots of potential (Miguel Montero) and players who I used to hear had a lot of potential but nowadays would go undrafted in a 30 team fantasy league (Adam LaRoche).
Weaknesses: Brandon Webb starts the season on the disabled list and isn’t expected to join the team for a few months. Which means he’s on schedule to start making a positive contribution almost a year before the bullpen.
Deciding Factor: Will any member of the Arizona rotation get more strikeouts this year than Mark Reynolds?
Fun Fact: Unlike famous Red Sox player Bill Buckner, Arizona pitcher Billy Buckner does not have problems with balls going through his legs, as they’re all busy flying over his head. And the heads of the outfielders. And the fans. Wait, that douche got demoted? Screw that ****, this Fun Fact is staying.

BONUS WEAKNESS (Courtesy of Sir Chris): Brandon Webb is expected to spend the first several months of the season on the disabled list. So his pitches will start sinking about two months after his team’s playoff hopes.

*Colorado Rockies*
Strengths: For this distinctively Christian organization, that would be the power of Christ. And the power of Troy Tulowitzki, though some Colorado fans would assert that the previous statements are redundant.
Weaknesses: Due to beard-related paranoia, Todd Helton is not allowed to play basball within 100 yards of a school building.
Deciding Factor: Will the Rockies have a big publicity stunt where they allow blind kids to play right field instead of Brad Hawpe? It’d be great for public relations, and even better for their defense.
Fun Fact: I hear that if you smoke weed at higher altitudes, you get a lot higher, so you can get higher for cheaper. Which explains a lot about Colorado in general.

*Los Angeles Dodgers*
Strengths: Manny Ramirez and Andre Ethier’s offensive prowess can turn outs into hits, and doubles into homers.
Weaknesses: Manny Ramirez and Andre Ethier’s defensive prowess can turns outs into hits, and doubles into inside the park homers.
Deciding Factor: Who gets to be Joe Torre’s honorary Scott Proctor? I’m hoping its Scott Proctor. He’s making a comeback with the Braves, though if he knows what’s good for him he has a contract stipulation that he can not be traded to any team managed by Joe Torre.
Fun Fact: Matt Kemp is currently dating Rihanna. I would think she would date James Loney, because that guy never seems to hit for power.

*San Diego Padres*
Strengths: Padres baseball is a great cure for insomnia. I fell asleep just writing this.
Weaknesses: Despite the name, no relation to Carmen Sandiego.
Deciding Factor: When will we get the All Star Game at PETCO? That home run derby will be hilarious.
Fun Fact: The Padres could be a league average team this year, if that league is Little League in some country defined by baseball mediocrity, like Canada.

*San Francisco Giants*
Strengths: Joe West recently complained about the length of Red Sox / Yankees games, the usually high scoring affairs between two teams that play like every game is a playoff game. With the combination of the Giants’ pitching and offense, you can expect to be in and out of the stadium in under an hour for the average game as nobody scores any runs and nobody wants to stick around there any longer than they have to.
Weaknesses: I could put together a better lineup than this for under $100. Seriously guys, craigslist that ****.
Deciding Factor: Bengie Molina is the SLOW Molina brother. What the hell will the Giants do if he actually starts taking walks? Whoever bats behind him will be hitting into force outs off the right field fence.
Fun Fact: Current PECOTA projections show that by 2014, Tim Lincecum will be 50% hair by volume.

==Quick Links==
~~2010 Predictions~~
2010 AL East Preview
2010 AL Central Preview
2010 AL West Preview
2010 NL East Preview
2010 NL Central Preview
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~~2009 Predictions~~
2009 AL East Preview
2009 AL Central Preview
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2009 NL East Preview
2009 NL Central Preview
2009 NL West Preview

2010 AL East Preview

2010-04-07T20:09:00.004-04:00

~~~~~~AL EAST~~~~~~

*Baltimore Orioles*
Strengths: Beautiful ballpark that allows many fans the unique opportunity to get front row seats to see their team in front of a home crowd. I am of course talking about Boston and New York fans here.
Weaknesses: Kevin Millwood is their “ace”. This was a guy who wasn’t even a top of the rotation starter for the Rangers over most of the last 5 years. This includes 2008, when his team had a 5.51 starting ERA.
Deciding Factor: How many more months before Bud Selig decides to take Baltimore out behind the shed and put them out of their misery? Not just talking about the Orioles here.
Fun Fact: I tried to diss Matt Wieters here, but he is so awesome that my computer got a blue screen as soon as I started typing the blasphemous statement. On a Mac.

*Boston Red Sox*
Strengths: It is hard for batters to focus on the ball during John Lackey’s starts, because most of them would rather look away than stare at that ugly mess of a man. It’s just uncomfortable.
Weaknesses: Jacoby Ellsbury is part Native American, so you can expect him to get smallpox pretty soon or succumb to the destructive force of firewater.
Deciding Factor: How many more years can Tim Wakefield get big, stupid hitters to look silly with his fluttering bull ****? I mean, even that kid in Rookie of the Year couldn’t pull it off for more than one at bat.
Fun Fact: For years, the Red Sox were the beloved, humbled team that would inevitably finish behind the hated, entitled Yankees. Now they’re the hated, entitled Yankees lite who will inevitably finish behind the hated, entitled Yankees.

*New York Yankees*
Strengths: Between the acquisitions of Granderson and Vazquez, their offseason moves look like those unbalanced trades the computer does on Playstation where they trade Albert Pujols for Julio Lugo.
Weaknesses: For the first time since coming to New York, I have no idea who Alex Rodriguez is ****ing right now. What the hell New York media, I depend on you for my daily dose of Arod drama.
Deciding Factor: Nick Swisher had a cameo on How I Met Your Mother in the offseason. Let’s hope this taste of fame does not go to his head. The last thing we need is a prima donna in New York.
Fun Fact: The Yankees are projected to spend about $200 million on payroll this year. Of course, if you take out the $30 million in taxi rides to transport women home from Jeter’s flat, $45 million for Arod’s psychiatric care, and the $70 million it takes to feed CC Sabathia, that’s a pretty reasonable payroll.

*Tampa Bay Rays*
Strengths: Are hoping for a new outdoor stadium in the near future, in the hopes that Floridans who want to work on their tans will accidentally find their way in there.
Weaknesses: Have some good players, but they all suck in MLB Power Pros and I’m too lazy to update them.
Deciding Factor: Will you be able to read a single article about the Rays on Fangraphs this season through the Sabermetric ejaculate covering the screen?
Fun Fact: Eva Longoria jokes never get old. Unlike Pat Burrell.

*Toronto Blue Jays*
Strengths: Roy Halladay had a great opening day start.
Weaknesses: It wasn’t for the Blue Jays.
Deciding Factor: Can Vernon Wells justify his contract? Can he justify a roster spot? Hell, can he justify not being euthanized? Actually, I’m pretty sure those are all decided factors.
Fun Fact: I hear that every Canadian has a Zamboni that they ride to the baseball park. Zambonis are awesome.

==Quick Links==
~~2010 Predictions~~
2010 AL East Preview
2010 AL Central Preview
2010 AL West Preview
2010 NL East Preview
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~~2009 Predictions~~
2009 AL East Preview
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2009 NL East Preview
2009 NL Central Preview
2009 NL West Preview

2010 AL Central Preview

2010-04-06T23:11:00.003-04:00

~~~~~~AL CENTRAL~~~~~~

*Chicago White Sox*
Strengths: Bobby Jenks gravitational pull should do a pretty good job keeping balls in the park.
Weaknesses: AJ Pierzynski has lost a bit of his edge since “your mom” jokes went out of style.
Deciding Factor: The season’s barely started and I’m one homosexual slur away from Ozzie Guillen bingo.
Fun Fact: : Mark Buehrle pitched a perfect game last year, which is the first time “perfect” has ever been used to describe anything relating to the city of Chicago.

*Cleveland Indians*
Strengths: Cleveland has some relatively great pitching talent. Unfortunately, that “talent” is in the stands rather than on the field, and is only “great” compared to a rotation that is headlined by “ace” Jake Westbrook.
Weaknesses: Have you seen “Major League”? Cleveland can’t even win the World Series in their own damn movie.
Deciding Factor: Kerry Wood’s musculoskeletal system.
Fun Fact: Remember Fausto Carmona? How bout Travis Hafner? They’re like those one hit wonders that make it take an annoyingly long time to scroll through your iPod by artist.

*Detroit Tigers*
Strengths: Scott Sizemore is one of the top talents in baseball. Oh, wait. That’s Grady Sizemore. Who the **** is Scott Sizemore?
Weaknesses: Magglio Ordonez’s skill level is dropping like the 2008 stock market. That joke a little dated? Fine, dropping like Britney Spears’ baby.
Deciding Factor: If Johnny Damon gets moved to the infield, maybe the Molina brothers will stop trying to score from third on every fly ball hit to him.
Fun Fact: Miguel Cabrera has developed into more of a slap hitter. At least that’s what I heard from his wife at the end of last season.

*Kansas City Royals*
Strengths: Are a great boon to the economy, as at least twenty people on their roster would be unemployed if not for the merciful and kind hearted Royals organization.
Weaknesses: Royals manager Trey Hillman has to watch Yuniesky Betancourt field just about every game. That must be like having a family member in the Special Olympics, where you really want to be supportive but you end up either laughing or crying.
Deciding Factor: If Kansas City gets career years out of every single one of their players, the players might have enough leverage to decide to get out of Kansas ****ing City, does that count?
Fun Fact: Current Royals centerfielder Rick Ankiel is famous for the epic collapse of his pitching career following a meltdown in the 2000 Playoffs, during which he gave up 9 wild pitches in 4 innings. That performance would still be good enough to earn him a slot in the Kansas City rotation.

*Minnesota Twins*
Strengths: Justin Morneau is one of the best players in the league at finishing higher in MVP voting than more deserving players on his own team.
Weaknesses: New outdoor stadium means that first home game will be in mid-May when they finally clear the snow off the field.
Deciding Factor: After signing Joe Mauer to a long term contract after a career year, the Twins need to find a way to minimize interaction with Carl Pavano before he gets any ideas. Which should be easy as pitchers and catchers usually have no significant interaction during the season.
Fun Fact: Every time I see Kevin Slowey’s last name I think he’s a Pokemon for some reason. Here’s a fun experiment: go to your local bar and try narrating all of his starts as if they were Pokemon battles. It’s a great way of avoiding STD transmission.

==Quick Links==
~~2010 Predictions~~
2010 AL East Preview
2010 AL Central Preview
2010 AL West Preview
2010 NL East Preview
2010 NL Central Preview
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~~2009 Predictions~~
2009 AL East Preview
2009 AL Central Preview
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2009 NL East Preview
2009 NL Central Preview
2009 NL West Preview

2010 AL West Preview

2010-04-05T01:21:00.004-04:00

Welcome to year two of our in depth, 100% guaranteed accurate MLB season predictions.

~~~~~~AL West~~~~~~

*Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim*
Strengths: Joe Saunders can be depended upon for around 200 innings, 15-18 wins and a ~3.50 ERA if the year is 2008.
Weaknesses: There is a 75% chance that Howie Kendrick injured himself while you were reading this sentence.
Deciding factor: If Jered Weaver does not repeat last year’s solid performance, the Angels could be in trouble when I fly out and stab him for screwing over my fantasy team.
Fun fact: This is the first year I have managed to avoid a Chode Figgins joke in my Angels writeup.

*Los Angeles Athletics of Oakland *
Strengths: If the other team’s starting lineup doesn’t show up, Oakland might actually eek out a few ties this year.
Weaknesses: Last year, Kurt Suzuki hit 15 homers (2nd on the team) with a .313 OBP. In Oakland, that’s a good argument for batting cleanup.
Deciding factor: The only way this team will have any fire in it is if Raiders fans come to games and actually set **** on fire.
Fun fact: As perhaps the longest standing bastion of sabermetrics in baseball, the Athletics’ idea of fun involves a quiet, romantic night of passionate interactions with an excel spreadsheet.

*Los Angeles Mariners of Seattle *
Strengths: This team will be in great shape if Ken Griffey Jr can return to his “Ken Griffey Jr Presents Major League Baseball” SNES form.
Weaknesses: Chode Figgins’ parents' baby-naming abilities.
Deciding factor: The success of the Seattle season will be determined by how long it takes for Milton Bradley to realize that there are a ****load of white people in Seattle.
Fun fact: More people will go to Washington this year to see the town mentioned in Twilight than to see the Mariners. That’s not as much “fun” as “incredibly, mindblowingly depressing”.

*Los Angeles Rangers of Texas *
Strengths: Vladimir Guerrero is like the Happy Gilmore of baseball. In that he’s really, really good at golf.
Weaknesses: Chris Davis averaged a strike out every other at bat in his last minor league stint. To be fair though, that T-ball league has more pitching talent than the Rangers did in most of the last decade.
Deciding factor: If Texas keeps Rich Harden in a plastic bubble in a padded room between starts, they might be able to get a half dozen starts out of him this year.
Fun fact: If talent were directly proportionate to letters in surnames, Jarrod Saltalamacchia might actually be worthwhile to spell.

==Quick Links==
~~2010 Predictions~~
2010 AL East Preview
2010 AL Central Preview
2010 AL West Preview
2010 NL East Preview
2010 NL Central Preview
2010 NL West Preview

~~2009 Predictions~~
2009 AL East Preview
2009 AL Central Preview
2009 AL West Preview
2009 NL East Preview
2009 NL Central Preview
2009 NL West Preview

Spring Training Boxscores

2010-03-05T11:41:00.002-05:00

Yes, I read the boxscores from Spring Training. Yes, I realize that the stats are meaningless- even for the guys competing for jobs, their spring training stats are in no way representative of their abilities. Sixty at bats in March when no one gives a shit and half the pitchers you face won't come anywhere near a major league roster until September is not an effective measurement of a hitter's ability. In looking for an example of this for a paper I had to write, I came across this little tidbit: last year for the Yankees in Spring Training, Hideki Matsui hit .239 and Angel Berroa hit .377. Matsui, as we all know, has been getting blowjobs from the Japanese media every waking moment he's had since he won the World Series MVP. Angel Berroa got released in July, latched on with the Mets, and is now in Dodgers' camp on a minor league contract.

That doesn't stop me from reading the boxscores, though. They're like a ray of hope, a reminder that the winter is come and gone, and that baseball has returned to us once again. They also are a fun game of who's where- because of my 'graphing hobby, it is extremely rare for me to not know who a major league player is, but they're kinda hard to keep track of. Especially the fringe guys. Case in point- Charlie Zink, a knuckleballer who came up in the Red Sox system and has pitched for the Dodgers and (I think?) the White Sox organizations since then is now in Cardinals camp. The more you know.

Also, as meaningless as it is, it does get me stoked to see that Doc Halladay threw 2 shutout innings against the Yanks in his first Spring Training game, striking out Posada, Swisher, and Winn and allowing no hits. Granted, the other three hitters he faced were Cano, Hoffman, and Gardner- not exactly Jeter/ARod/Tex, but still- they were wearing Yankee uniforms, which is worth at least .015 wOBA points right there. Plus a little mystique and aura. Which reminds me, I never did get Alec a pair of tranny hookers named Mystique and Aura for his birthday. Oh well- there's always next year.

-Terence

Awesomely, I Am Alive

2010-03-04T21:21:00.003-05:00

While it may be sad that Terence is back, it has been scientifically demonstrated it's pretty awesome that I'm back. So rejoice and be merry, for in my infinite benevolence I have returned to share my objective knowledge of all things baseball.

All hyperbole aside, I'm glad to be back. I know we had a rather unceremonious exit last year, but we hope to keep this together better this year.

Coming soon will be my 100% guaranteed accurate season predictions. Last season's projections proved roughly one bazillion times more useful and legitimate than anything Joe Morgan ever said. Though technically they're far more precise than accurate, but I don't think we need to worry about nomenclature here.

PS: Regarding the misattributed claims by Terence that I have stated that he never spoke an amusing word in his life: I would never make such an erroneous and fallacious statement. The words "close enough" describing the legality and/or attractiveness of freshmen females comes to mind.

Sadly, We Are Alive

2010-03-02T22:18:00.002-05:00

After a bit of a layoff, Alec and I have returned for some more pithy sarcasm (Alec) and relatively useless and somewhat bemused ramblings (me) that we shoot off into the great wide internet where no one is listening. Coincidentally, it's baseball season again- in fact, my favorite part of it, but I'll get to that in a different post.

From where I last left off, I actually did finish my road trip- attended a game in all 30 major league stadiums in a single summer- and managed to get four minor league ones and the Hall of Fame in to boot. 17,446 miles later, my car was on death's doorstep, I had gained ten pounds, taken a few years off my life and about 9,000 photographs, and lived the dream over 40 states and 84 days. After living essentially detached from all reality for three months, coming back to the real world of academic demands and imminent career choices was a little jarring- but I have absolutely nothing to complain about.

Now that I've settled back into the (relatively) real world, (aka still in the college bubble but on my way out) it's time to get back to what I do best- talk about baseball. Even if Alec insists I have never spoken an even mildly amusing word in my life, I'll still be here, if for no other reason than to give Alec a chance to rip on me so he can feel that he has some tiny sense of self-worth.

-Terrence

2009-11-18T18:53:00.001-05:00

Returning soon.

More Francoeur Fun

2009-07-25T16:54:00.003-04:00

As an update to our illustration of Jeff Francoeur's fielding ineptitude yesterday, I discovered this lovely little moving picture, courtesy of Walkoff Walk.
http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/144164/failcoeur_duck.gif
I hope you enjoy this as much as I do, but I don't know if that's possible.

Words From The Road

2009-07-24T02:59:00.002-04:00

Given the extraordinarily monumental events that have occured in the baseball world recently, it seems appropriate to weigh in from the road- even though I had hoped to abdicate all responsibility for posting regularly on this trip and dump all the responsibilities in Alec's lap. What was that he said in his first post about total lack of ambition (or basic human decency)? Anyway, having attended a game in 20 of the 30 major league stadiums this summer, I find myself in northern Minnesota...ok, ok, it's basically Canada- with some time and some news.

First off, Jeff Francoeur for Ryan Church- really? I mean really? And then Oman Minaya's comments today about how he wouldn't hesitate to add people because a "couple" teams are in front of the Mets for the Wild Card spot? Try seven. And try this on for size, Omar- your team is f***ed. F***ed like the Germans at Stalingrad. F***ed like anyone Clint Eastwood has ever pointed a gun at. (finally saw Gran Torino tonight- great movie) F***ed like a one-legged man at an ass-kicking contest. F***ed like the Mets in September...wait...scratch the "in September" part. Anyway, as a Phillies fan, nothing does my heart more good than to see a delusional idiot running the Mets- the only thing that scares me is that one day his employers are bound to catch on to this little fact and can his ass like a tuna. And here is Omar's new star RF, who he traded a surprisingly useful player in Ryan Church to get, making his new boss proud:
http://thesportshernia.typepad.com/.a/6a00d83451b84f69e2011572264466970b-pi
Sports Hernia has the pic- I got linked to them from one baseball writer's blog or another- can't remember whose. Anyway I'd say this pic just about sums up the Mets' season so far. I'm just praying that the Mets don't play .875 baseball the rest of the way and make me eat these words. Note to Ruben Amaro, Jr.- for the love of God, please trade for Roy Halladay. Bonus points if you can convince JP Ricciardi that Carlos Carrasco is as good as everyone thought he was two years ago and that the Jays therefore don't need little old Kyle Drabek.

Moving on, the Phils have picked up Pedro- I look forward to seeing him pitch when I get back from this four-wheeled madness. I know he doesn't seem to have much left in the tank- but I'd rather watch Pedro get shelled than Clay Condrey. My distaste for Clay Condrey is rather unwarranted, but I can never shake a great line I saw on Beerleaguer (a great Phillies blog) a year or two ago- "Having to choose between Clay Condrey and Chad Durbin in the late innings of a tie game is God's way of telling you you don't have a very good bullpen." We'll see- honestly, I could give f***-all about how well Pedro pitches in a Phillies uniform- the sheer novelty will be enough for me to enjoy it either way. I am infinitely more concerned about Lit Up Lidge and Gas Can Madson, because the fact that we rely on those two to hold late-inning leads is a fact that never fails to scare the shit out of me.

And now to the tidbit that anyone who reads the header of this blog has been waiting for us to deal with- the Boston Red Sox have, at long last and with much lamentation, parted ways with their most stellar of shortstops, Julio Lugo. No longer will his gloriously goldless glove grace the middle of Fenway's infield. Seriously though, can we consider this a minor miracle that the Red Sox traded him for a cost-controlled major leaguer who has the potential to be moderately useful without paying a nickel of his salary? Granted, Lugo has not been the Antichrist this year at shortstop- his wOBA on the season is .329, which puts him at roughly a league-average hitter. Considering his position, a league-average bat is perfectly acceptable.

Lugo's defense, however, looks to be just as bad as everyone who ever watches the Red Sox believes it to be. His UZR rating in runs above/below average right now is -8.3 (all these stats are from Fangraphs), which means he's cost the Sox nearly a win in the field at shortstop compared to an average fielder. (10 runs is roughly equal to one win) This he has managed to accomplish in a grand total of 32 games [27 starts] at shortstop. What is amazing, though, is his UZR/150- his projected UZR over the course of 150 games, or a full season. Lugo's UZR/150 is an unbelievable -43.6. Lugo projects to cost his team over four wins with his defense if allowed to play shortstop every day. What astounds me is that John Mozeliak not only gave up someone with the apparent (if not real) usefulness of a Chris Duncan for this guy and the roughly $12 million remaining on his contract, but that he is also is due to send the Sox either some cash or a PTBNL. Good God. Chris Duncan either kills kittens in the clubhouse for fun or slept with Mozeliak's daughter, because this is a guy who posted a .360 wOBA in his most recent healthy season (2007) and a .390 wOBA in the half-season before that. (06 was his first extended playing time in the majors) Granted, the past year and a half he has been rather abysmal, but he apparently has been dealing with injuries during that time, or so I've heard a number of other (more informed) people say. All in all, it seems that while Julio Lugo has more value than Red Sox fans were willing to give him credit for, the Cardinals managed to overpay drastically for him considering the fact that he was a couple days away from being released.

I would expect that John Mozeliak will be getting a number of thank-you letters from Mets fans in the near future- with all the rumors of a Mets-Lugo matchup, (once Lugo was released from the Sox) Minaya would have been one more man closer to accomplishing his goal of turning Citi Field into the leper colony of the major leagues. To that end, rumor has it that Minaya was narrowly outbid by Dayton Moore for Yuniesky Betancourt's services, and that he is on the phone right now trying to pry Barry Zito away from the Giants, Jose Guillen away from the Royals, and Carl Pavano away from the Indians.

That's enough for now. Words of wisdom for the day- don't leave meat in a cooler for a week in warm weather. That shit gets nasty.

Swings and Misses

2009-07-02T02:04:00.003-04:00

The Red Sox blew a 10-1 lead in the 7th inninng to the Baltimore Orioles, losing 10-11. The Orioles returned the favor the next day, flowing a 5-1 lead in the 9th inning, losing 6-5 in 11 innings. We haven't seen such high fail-to-baseball game ratios since the Mets tried to play an intrasquad game.

Suspended slugger Manny Ramirez has completed his rehab assignment and is expected to rejoin the Dodgers on Friday. This seems reasonable based on Ramirez's well-known history of appearing in a timely fashion following long vacations.

The Seattle Mariners are said to be sellers at the upcoming trade deadline, despite injuries to Erik Bedard and Adrian Beltre. If they expect to get much in return for their other "tradeable" pieces, then these sellers have been using a bit too much of their own product.

I forget the 4th news tidbit, but the punchline was probably the Washington Nationals.

Ian Kinsler is Jewish. How did I not know this?

In the last year, the Pirates have traded Jason Bay, Xavier Nady, Nate McLouth and Nyjer Morgan, 4 more quality players than anybody believed that Pittsburgh had.

Milton Bradley has succeeded again in revealing that racism is still present in baseball, as his recent dispute with his own manager shows that the white man is keeping the black, problematic .734 OPS-ing corner outfielders down.

The Yankees have expressed their worries about rising homerun numbers in New Yankee Stadium and are searching for solutions. The leading idea seems to be hiring Barry Bonds to sit behind home plate where the gravitational pull from his giant head will be enough to keep any balls from passing the fence.

Miracle averted, Jeff Francoeur avoids 3-walk game

2009-06-09T01:21:00.005-04:00

Jeff Francoeur does not walk much. Coming into last night's game, he had 7 walks in 223 plate appearances. Pitcher Jamie Moyer has 6 in 25 plate appearances. He holds a career 4.9% walk rate (for reference, Dontrelle Willis has a career 5.2% BB rate), with this year being a career low 3.2%. Pretty ridiculous

As of this post, Jeff Francoeur has never walked more than twice in a game. Including tonight, he has 11 multiwalk games (each with 2 walks) in 604 career games, with two walks in each game.

2009: 2
2008: 2
2007: 6
2006: 0
2005: 1

According to Las Vegas odds, the Phillies pitching staff has a better chance of throwing back to back perfect games than Francoeur does of getting 3 walks in a game.

Tonight/last night, Francouer was putting up his normal 1-4 line through 9 innings. But that's when he broke out. He walked in 10th inning on an intentional walk, which is stunning as this guy has struck out on balls to the backstop, pitchouts, and pickoff throws to first. Then in the 12th inning, he walked again, this time unintentionally.

All of baseball watched with bated breath to see if Francoeur would get another chance at history. The game went to the 13th, the 14th, and finally Frenchy got another chance in the 15th.

He then failed at a sac bunt. Pathetic. He then managed to score the winning run, ruining his chance at history.

Viewers were left disappointed, but enjoyed their chance at seeing something that is slightly more common than a no hitter but rarer than hitting for the cycle (since Francoeuer entnered the league, there have been 6 no hitters and 17 cycles)

(I apologize for the comparatively serious posts from me lately that are more "that's true and really sad" than "here's some hyperbole to make it funny")

I Am Still Alive...

2009-05-29T18:16:00.003-04:00

Much to Alec's disappointment, I'm sure. The posts have been scarce lately first because of finals, then because of a housing issue, and then because I began a summer-long road trip to attend a game in all 30 major league baseball stadiums. But I can't continue to neglect the blog, because DYFS will eventually come and take it away from me if I do.

One of the lovely things I've seen so far is the self-destructive nature of the Blue Jays' bullpen. Some bullpens, like the Phillies and Mets, essentially constitute throwing gasoline on the fire. What I observed from the Jays' pen on Wednesday wasn't just gasoline, I think it was more along the lines of an entire oil refinery being dumped on a fire. Highly amusing, though. In fact, our games so far have been an exercise in god-awful bullpen outings. Only the first game, in Fenway on Friday 5/22, did not feature some kind of grisly bullpen freak show on par with the finest ones Shea Stadium ever saw.

5/24 Phillies at Yankees
Brad Lidge 1 IP 2 H 1 R 1 ER 0 BB 1 K
This one was absolutely fantastic. Lidge blew the save in the 9th in ALMOST THE EXACT SAME FASHION as he had lost the game the day before. Robinson Cano single, a steal of second (this time by PR Ramiro Pena, but still), and then a Melky Cabrera single to plate the run. I honestly could not stop laughing.

5/25 Nationals at Mets
Bobby Parnell 1/3 IP 1 H 1 R 1 ER 3 BB 1 K
Just a generally attractive line. Good thing he was facing the Nationals, who got so confused at the concept of a late-inning rally that after Parnell was pulled, Adam Dunn went to the plate with his batting helmet on backwards and wet his pants in the batters box.

5/26 Marlins at Phillies
Chad Durbin 1/3 IP 1 H 3 R 3 ER 2 BB 0 K
Scott Eyre 0 IP 0 H 0 R 0 ER 0 BB 0 K (only batter faced reached on an error)
Brad Lidge 2/3 IP 0 H 0 R 0 ER 1 BB 1 K
This was horrible. You would think that sending Chad Durbin out to the mound in the 9th inning of a game you are leading 5-0 to face John Baker, Dan Uggla, and Cody Ross shouldn't be that dangerous of a move. Unfortunately, "you" would have been horribly, terribly, awfully wrong. And of course Lit Up Lidge had a role in this, allowing an inherited runner to score and walking a batter of his own. All in all, this game was a refreshing reminder of what it's really like to be a Phillies fan, i.e. all of those pre-2008 Phillies teams whose bullpens were always wonderfully combustible.

5/27 Blue Jays at Orioles
Jesse Carlson 1/3 IP 3 H 5 R 5 ER 1 BB 1 K 1 HB
Brian Wolfe 0 IP 3 H 3 R 3 ER 0 BB 0 K
Watching the Jays blow an 8-3, 8th inning lead to the Orioles was lots of fun. Watching them give the game away after they had taken the lead in the top of the 11th was even more fun. Carlson's line was part of that spectacular 8th inning meltdown, and Wolfe's line was part of the 11th inning final collapse. Until this game, I had never realized that the reason why pitchers are usually in the bullpen is that they aren't actually all that good. Apparently the way baseball works is that the really good pitchers start the game, and the kinda-not-as-good guys pitch later. I never would have guessed.

Next game is Giants at Nationals 6/3/09...going to see Randy Johnson take a crack at #300. If Johnson can stay in the game long enough for the Nationals' starter to be gone, I like his chances- right now the Nationals' bullpen is so unsightly, they actually think that Mike MacDougal will IMPROVE their bullpen. That isn't a typo.

Also, right now Matt Wieters' major league debut is being delayed by rain. Looks like even the Apocalypse can be rained out.

Guys you never heard of lead league in HR, Wins

2009-05-28T19:53:00.004-04:00

SOMEWHERE YOU DIDN'T KNOW HAD A BASEBALL TEAM -- Baseball fans around the country were startled when it was reported that two guys you've never heard of lead the majors in homeruns and wins.

The story broke early this morning, as the ESPN Fantasy Sports department finally checked their email, and found hundreds of messages pointing out what many assumed to be a glitch, such as some guy who was 8-1 with a 0.84 ERA, as well as the obvious error that some guy playing for "SDP" had been credited with a laughable 18 homers.

However, ESPN checked with a trusted team of basement dwelling stats nerds, who revealed that the numbers were indeed correct. They reported that some guy named Zach Greinke (a name you may recognnize from your fantasy team's bench from when you left autodraft on while you went to get a beer after the sixth round) is dominating opposing hitters throughout the league. Even more stunninng is the fact that he reportedly has 8 wins while playing for the Kansas City Royals, a team that most experts were pretty sure had been demoted to AAA at the end of last year.

Meanwhile, a man supposedly named Adrian Gonzalez has 18 homers, though our sources are unsure as to where he plays. We hear it's San Diego, though we were pretty sure they don't have a team, and if they do, it's in the NL West or something and nobody cares about them. Upon further investigation, it was revealed that this Gonzalez had 30 homers and 100 RBI in each of the last of the two years, which seems odd, as you'd think we'd have heard of a guy like that, or that the Yankees would have bought his entire team in order to sign him.

More news as it breaks.

World Series IV Game 6

2009-05-26T18:19:00.001-04:00

The Yankees entered Fenway for a must win game, trailing in the series 2-3.

With the day off, it seems that the Yankees regained their plate discipline, tiring opposing pitchers and working counts in their favor. Even though he had struck out 11 and had only allowed 1 hit and no runs, Curt Schilling had to be pulled after 5 2/3 due to his rising pitch count. Gary Sheffield greeted Keith Foulke with an out of the park homer to left to give the Yankees an early 1-0.

1-0 was enough for the Yankees pitching staff, as El Duque and Mussina combined for a shutout, allowing only 3 hits and striking out 13.

Tim Wakefield came in in the top of the 9th with 1 on and 1 out to face Sheffield. When Jeter stole second (the first Yankees steal of the series), Wakefield was behind in the count and decided to intentionally walk Sheffield. But Matsui made him pay, golfing a hanging knuckleball to right for a 3-run bomb, giving the Yankees a 4-0 lead. His postseason ERA jumped from 0.80 to 2.19 with the outing.

The win seemed to take the air out of the resurgent Red Sox, whose postseason struggles at Fenway continued. Manny Ramirez reportedly left the stadium after striking out in the 8th inning to take a nap, and Kevin Millar was found on Yawkey Way, passed out drunk and wearing nothing but a cowboy hat.

Sox manager Alec admitted that the defeat was "demoralizing", and bemoaned the Yankees recaptured plate discipline. He stated "I don't take many pitches, the least they could do would be to not take pitches either. It's unfair." Yankees mananger Terence could not be reached for comment, though he was heard screaming "Yeah baby, GIT SOME!" and cackling in the visitor's clubhouse.

Yankees - 4 @ Red Sox - 0
WP: E. Duque (2-2)
LP: K. Foulke (0-2)
HR: A. Rodriguez (2), H. Matsui (3)

~~Red Sox~~
J. Damon: 0-4, 2 K
O. Cabrera: 0-4, 2 K
M. Ramirez: 1-4, 2 K
D. Ortiz: 0-0, 4 IBB
J. Varitek: 0-3, 2 K, BB
T. Nixon: 0-1, K
a.) K. Millar: 0-3, K
B. Mueller: 1-4
M. Bellhorn: 0-1, reach on error
b.) D. Roberts: 1-3, SB, GIDP
C. Schilling: 0-1, sac
-K. Foulke: 0-1, K

==Pitching==
C. Schilling: 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 0 R, 1 H, 11 K, 0 BB
K. Foulke L (0-2): 2 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 2 R, 2 H, 3 K, 0 BB
T. Wakefield: 0 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 2 R, 2 H, 1 K, 1 BB

~~Yankees~~
D. Jeter: 1-4, 3 K, R, SB
A. Rodriguez: 1-3, BB, HR, RBI, R, K
G. Sheffield: 0-3, K, IBB
H. Matsui: 1-4, HR, 3 RBI, R, 3 K
B. Williams: 0-4, 2 K
J. Posada: 2-4, K
J. Olerud: 0-4, 2 K
M. Cairo: 0-3, K
E. Duque: 0-1, K
a.) J. Giambi: 0-2, K

==Pitching==
E. Duque W (2-2): 5 IP, 0 ER, 0 R, 1 H, 6 K, 2 BB
M. Mussina: 4 IP, 0 ER, 0 R, 2 H, 7 K, 3 BB

John Mayberry Sr.... oh wait... no

2009-05-25T14:25:00.002-04:00

We're too busy/lazy to make posts at the moment, but we will leave you will the brilliance thanks to FoxSports (until it is taken down)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxiWDW-qsx8

World Series IV, Game 5

2009-05-24T17:56:00.001-04:00

With the series tied 2-2, Pedro Martinez and El Duque faced off to determine which team would have the lead when the series headed back to Boston.

A misplayed fly ball in the top of the first led to a one-out Orlando Cabrera double, and Manny sent a ball to the wall in right to knock in an out but he ran into an out as he was gunned down at second. The Sox extended their lead to 3-0 in the second with a 2-out, 2-run homer after Bellhorn reached on a questionable defensive play. Damon came through again in the 4th, following a Bellhorn double with an inside the park homer, again with two outs and one on, putting the Sox ahead 5-0.

This was plenty for Pedro, who did not allow a baserunner until Arod homered in the 4th. He escaped a two on, no out jam in the 5th by striking out Sierra, inducing Lofton to ground into a force, and then striking out Tony Clark when he pinch hit for El Duque. Pedro ended the day with 6 IP, 1 ER, and only 3 hits (the Arod homer and the pair of 5th inning singles).

With Duque out of the game and his team trailing by four runs, Mann decided to rest his chief reliever and instead sent out the "Man who Stephen King loved too much", Tom Gordon. Despite giving up an RBI double to Manny in the 7th, Gordon was effective in relief of the beleaguered bullpen, going 4 innings of 1 run ball in the loss.

Keith Foulke picked up the 3 inning save, allowing a solo shot from Gary Sheffield and giving Tim Wakefield some rest as the Sox swept the Yankees in Yankee Stadium to take a 3-2 lead back to Fenway.

In an interview after the game, Red Sox manager Alec Trevelyan stated "It feels great to come into Yankee Stadium and sweep them to get back into this series, but it isn't over yet. We haven't played that well at home in the playoffs, and [the Yankees] are too good of a team to take for granted. We just hope we can bring it home in the next two games"

The series heads back to Fenway tomorrow, where the Sox are 0-2 this postseason and 2-7 in historical postseason play. Neither team has yet won a game at home this postseason.

Red Sox - 6 @ Yankees - 2
WP: P. Martinez (2-0)
LP: E. Duque (1-2)
HR: J. Damon 2 (2), A. Rodriguez (1), G. Sheffield (1)

~~Red Sox~~
J. Damon: 2-5, 2 HR, 4 RBI, 2 R
O. Cabrera: 2-5, 2B, 2 R
M. Ramirez: 2-5, 2B, 2 RBI, 2 K
D. Ortiz: 0-0, 5 IBB
J. Varitek: 2-5, 2B, GIDP, K
T. Nixon: 0-4, K
B. Mueller: 1-4, 2 K
M. Bellhorn: 2-2, 2B, 2 R
a.) D. Roberts: 1-2, K
P. Martinez: 0-3, GIDP
-K. Foulke: 0-1

==Pitching==
P. Martinez (2-0): 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 R, 3 H, 8 K, 0 BB
K. Foullke: 3 IP, 1 ER, 1 R, 3 H, 2 K, 0 BB

~~Yankees~~
D. Jeter: 0-4, K
A. Rodriguez: 1-4, HR, RBI, R, 2 K
G. Sheffield: 1-4, HR, RBI, R, K
H. Matsui: 0-4, K
B. Williams: 1-4, K
J. Posada: 1-4, K
J. Olerud: 0-1
a.) R. Sierra: 0-2, 2 K
M. Cairo: 0-1
b.) K. Lofton: 1-2
E. Duque: 0-1
c.) T. Clark: 0-1, K
-T. Gordon: 1-1

==Pitching==
E. Duque L (1-2): 5 IP, 5 ER, 5 R, 8 H, 4 K, 3 BB
T. Gordon: 4 IP, 1 ER, 1 R, 4 H, 3 K, 2 BB

Coors East

2009-05-23T17:39:00.004-04:00

10 HR through 1.5 games in New Yankee Stadium vs. Phillies.

Arod now has 5 homers in his 8 games at Yankee stadium (1 homer on the road in 6 games). What are the odds he breaks the single season HR record by the All Star Break?

EDIT: Make that 11 homers through 2 games, with the 6th in 9 games for ARod.

World Series IV, Game 4

2009-05-23T16:04:00.002-04:00

After their Game 3 win, the Sox sent Curt Schilling to the mound to try to even the series in Yankee Stadium.

The Sox caught a lucky break in the first, with left fielder Manny Ramirez narrowly gunning down Gary Sheffield trying to stretch a single into a double on a contested play to end the inning.

With both pitchers being effective, their was little offense through the first 3, but Manny Ramirez led off the 4th inning with a homer. The normal Ortiz IBB was followed by a Varitek single, but the Yankees got lucky when Ortiz tried to go first to third and was gunned down on the relay from the center fielder to the shorstop. Millar hit a pinch hit GIDP to end the frame, allowing the Yankees to escape further damage. This proved to be a big play, as the Yankees weren't behind long, getting a Matsui solo shot with two outs in the bottom half of the frame to tie it up 1-1.

Asides from that homer, Schilling was effective through 7 innings, allowing only 5 hits and the lone earned run. El Duque was pulled after 5 1/3 with a runner on third, an uncharacteristically short outing, but Mussina came in and struck out Manny and got Varitek to pop up to end the threat.

With the game still tied in the top of the 8th, the Sox got a two out double from Orlando Cabrera. Manny blooped a single into left with Cabrera running on the play, but the left fielder boppled the ball. Seeing this, Cabrera was waved around third, scoring on the play as Manny advanced to second on the throw, giving the Sox a 2-1 sox lead.

Wakefield came in in relief and got the two inning save, striking out 3 and allowing 1 hit. Tom Gordon was sighted in the top of the 9th, but managed NOT to blow the game so our eyes may have been deceiving us.

The 2-1 Boston victory tied the series, and guaranteed that the series will return to Fenway. Through four games, neither team has won a home game. Neither manager was available for comment.

Game 5 will feature Pedro vs. El Duque with the series lead on the line before heading home to Fenway.

Game 4: Sox - 2 @ Yankees - 1

~~Red Sox~~
J. Damon: 2-4, 2B, SB, K
O. Caberera: 1-4, 2B, K, R
M. Ramirez: 2-4, HR, RBI, R, 2 K
D. Ortiz: 0-0, 4 IBB, SB
J. Varitek: 1-4, 2 K
T. Nixon: 0-1
a.) K. Millar: 0-3, GIDP
B. Mueller: 0-4
M. Bellhorn: 0-4
C. Schilling: 0-2
a.) G. Kapler: 0-1

==Pitching==
C. Schilling W (1-1): 7 IP, 1 ER, 1 R, 5 H, 7 K, 0 BB
T. Wakefield SAVE (1): 2 IP, 0 ER, 0 R, 1 H, 3 K, 0 BB

~~Yankees~~
D. Jeter: 1-4, K
A. Rodriguez: 0-4, 2 K
G. Sheffield: 1-4, K
H. Matsui: 2-4, HR, RBI, R, K
B. Williams: 0-4, K
J. Posada: 1-4, 2 K
J. Olerud: 2-3
M. Cairo: 0-1, K
a.) R. Sierra: 0-2, 2 K
E. Duque: 0-2
-M. Mussina
b.) J. Giambi: 0-1

==Pitching==
E. Duque: 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 1 R, 4 H, 3 K, 2 BB
M. Mussina L (1-1): 2 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 R, 2 H, 3 K, 2 BB
T. Gordon: 0 IP, 0 ER, 0 R, 0 H, 0 K, 0 BB

World Series IV, Game 3

2009-05-16T15:44:00.003-04:00

After dropping the first two games at Fenway, the Red Sox sent Pedro Martinez to the mound in a must win game at Yankee Stadium.

The Red Sox continued their streak of early scoring in the top of the third inning. Orlando Cabrera singled with two down, and Manny knocked one off the base of the wall in left center for an RBI double. Ater an intentional walk to Ortiz, Varitek finally made them pay with an RBI bloop single that dropped in front of the right fielder, giving the Sox an early 2-0 lead.

The Sox put together another threat in the 5th, loading up the bases with two outs on a pair of intentional walks and a single, but El Duque got Mueller to ground out to end the threat. He was relieved the next inning by Mike Mussina, who got the Yanks out of another two out jam, but for once Mussina seemed fallible in the 8th. With Dave Roberts on first, Damon singled and stole second to make it second and third with two outs. Orlando Cabrera hit a line drive that split the fielders in left for a two-out, two run double to give the Sox a 4-0 lead.

Meanwhile, Pedro Martinez was dominant on the mound. In fact, he did not allow a baserunner in 7 1/3 perfect innings of work, with 8 strikeouts. But his pitch count was rising and he was obviously exhausted after 7 innings, and after striking out Matsui on a 50 mph fastball, he was pulled in favor of Wakefield, who gave up a single to break up the perfect game. But Wakefield settled down to close out the game, getting all 5 outs on strikeouts while allowing 3 soft singles.

Orlando Cabrera had a big game, going 2-5 with a two-run double. Varitek had a breakout game, going 3-5 with an RBI, while Manny was productive as usual (2-4, RBI). Pedro got the first Red Sox win of the playoffs.

When interviewed after the game, Yankees manager Terence Mann reported "I'm just glad he didn't no hit us. And we got hits off Wakefield. So suck it."

Game 3: Sox - 4 @ Yankees - 0

~~Red Sox~~
J. Damon: 1-5, K, R
O. Cabrera: 2-5, 2B, 2 RBI, R, K
M. Ramirez: 2-4, 2B, RBI, R, K, IBB
D. Ortiz: 0-0, 5 IBB
J. Varitek: 3-5, 2 K, RBI
T. Nixon: 0-1
a.) Millar: 0-3, K, IBB
B. Mueller: 2-5
M. Bellhorn: 0-1
b.) D. Roberts: 1-4, K, R
P. Martinez: 0-4
-T. Wakefield: 0-1, K

==Pitching==
P. Martinez W (1-0): 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 0 R, 0 H, 8 K, 0 BB
T. Wakefield: 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 0 R, 2 H, 5 K, 0 BB

~~Yankees~~
D. Jeter: 0-4, 2 K
A. Rodriguez: 1-4, 2 K
G. Sheffield: 0-4, 3 K
H. Matsui: 0-3, 2 K
B. Williams: 1-3
J. Posada: 0-3, K
J. Olerud: 0-2
a.) R. Sierra: 1-1
M. Cairo: 0-2, K
b.) K. Lofton: 0-1, K
E. Duque: 0-2
c.) J. Giambi: 0-1, K

==Pitching==
E. Duque L(1-1): 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 2 R, 6 H, 6 K, 5 BB
M. Mussina: 2 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 2 R, 5 H, 2 K, 2 BB

2009 Spring World Series Game 2: Yankees @ Red Sox

2009-05-14T15:24:00.002-04:00

(games being posted way late)

In Game Two of the much anticipated 2009 RBI Baseball Spring World Series, Curt Schilling faced off against El Duque in his second start in as many games at Fenway Park.

The Sox opened the scoring in the bottom of the second with a two out double from Curt Schilling to score Mark Bellhorn, giving the Sox an early 1-0 lead. But they were able to muster little more offense against El Duque, getting only two more hits over the next 4 innings.

Schilling was effective through the first 5 innings, allowing only 2 baserunners, but it all fell apart in the 6th. After a Derek Jeter single, Arod grounded out to advance the runner. With two outs and an open base, the Red So elected to intentionally walk Gary Sheffield, the Spring 2008 World Series MVP. But Hideki Matsui made the Sox pay, blasting a three run bomb into the right field bleachers off Schilling to give the Yankees a 3-1 lead.

The Yankees got more insurance in the 7th. After a leadoff error by the second baseman, Schilling retired Lofton but the pinch hitter Sierra lanced a double down the right field line. But thanks to a strong throw from Nixon in right field, Jorge Posada was gunned down at third for the second out. With his pitch count rising, Alec elected to leave Schilling in, and he gave up back to back singles to Tony Clark and Derek Jeter to score a run and give the Yankees a 4-1 lead. Keith Foulke came in to strike out Arod to retire the side.

Mike Mussina came in in the 7th and shut down the Red Sox offense with 3 hitless innings, getting the save the hard way with 5 strikeouts.

Hits were hard to come by, but Matsui had the big three run homer, while Jeter went 2-4. The Sox had only one extra base hit (the double from Schilling) and no batter had multiple hits.

Asked about losing the first two games at home, Red Sox manager told reporters "It's tough to take, especially after how we were playing in the regular season. After our season [going 15-3] you don't expect to drop the first two games, but they got some good balls to hit and punished our mistakes, while El Duque and Mussina didn't really make any. We have a day off tomorrow, so we'll drink heavily tonight and hopefully have a revelation about how to get a ball out of the infield against Mussina."

Game 3 at Yankee Stadium will feature Pedro Martinez at El Duque.

Yankees: 4, Red Sox: 1

~~Yankees~~
D. Jeter: 2-4, R
A. Rodriguez: 0-4, K
G. Sheffield: 0-3, IBB, R, K
H. Matsui: 1-4, HR, 3 RBI, R, K
B. Williams: 0-4, 2 K
J. Posada: 1-4, 2 K
J. Olerud: 0-2
a.) K. Lofton: 0-2, K
M. Cairo: 0-2, K
b.) R. Sierra: 1-2, 2B, R
E. Duque: 1-2
c.) T. Clark: 1-1, RBI

==Pitching==
El Duque W (1-0): 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 R, 5 H, 7 K, 3 BB
M. Mussina SAVE (1): 3 IP, 0 ER, 0 R, 0 H, 5 K, 1 BB

~~Red Sox~~
J. Damon: 0-4, 2 K
O. Cabrera: 0-4, K
M. Ramirez: 1-4, 2 K
D. Ortiz: 0-0, 4 IBB, CS
J. Varitek: 1-3, K, GIDP
c.) K. Millar: 0-1
T. Nixon: 1-4, SB
B. Mueller: 0-4, K
M. Bellhorn: 1-1, R
a.) D. Roberts: 0-3, 3 K
C. Schilling: 1-2, 2B, RBI, K
-K. Foulke:
b.) G. Kapler: 0-1, K

==Pitching==
C. Schilling L (0-1): 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 4 R, 7 H, 5 K, 1 BB
K. Foulke: 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 0 R, 0 H, 1 K, 0 BB
P. Martinez: 2 IP, 0 ER, 0 R, 0 H, 3 K, 0 BB

Roger Clemens, Family Man

2009-05-13T02:42:00.003-04:00

Roger Clemens claims that he didn't take steroids, and lists one of his reasons as a family history of heart problems, based partially on the fact that his stepfather had a heartattack.

Can somebody get this guy a second grade explanation of inherited characteristics?

Unless there is something the Rocket is not telling us, I'm pretty sure a guy he has NO blood relation to should not have an effect on his health...

http://www.newsday.com/sports/baseball/ny-sproger0513,0,3602215.story

Dying Quails

2009-05-12T10:44:00.002-04:00

After his game-tying, two-out, pinch-hit home run Sunday, Micah Owings now has a .934 career OPS, which is higher than that of Hank Aaron, Frank Robinson, and Ken Griffey Jr. Remind me why this guy isn't playing in the outfield on days he isn't pitching?

Just to add one more element to the whole Josh-Hamilton-is-a-really-great-guy storyline, as if it needed any more additions: during his minor league rehab assignment this past weekend, Hamilton and his mentor/Rangers coach Johnny Narron went out to dinner at a local Cracker Barrel. When they were done, they called a cab to go back to the team hotel. The cab never showed, so Hamilton hitched a ride back to the hotel with a local Little League team that was having dinner at the Cracker Barrel. In Hamilton's words, "I signed a few autographs and away we went." I know some people are probably tired of endless stories about how awesome a guy Hamilton is, but that is pretty damn cool. This guy started the All-Star game last year, and he's hitchhiking with a Little League team in Round Rock, Texas on his rehab assignment? What a baller.

And finally, Matt Stairs. I've been a casual fan of Stairs for a while now; it's hard not to like a fat guy who swings like all holy hell and actually makes it work. Stairs, though, isn't unaware that this is the reason why people like him- he knows damn well, and he actually embraces it! Here are a few quotes from the Big Guy:

[on whether his approach at the plate changed when he came to bat in the 8th inning the other day while the Brewers' Dave Bush was throwing a no-hitter] "Of course. It doesn't change. It will never change."

[Stairs hit a ball off the top of the foul pole in that at-bat to break up the on-hitter]

"Let’s face it, I’m not 6-foot-2 and trim. I’m 5-foot-9 and 2-I-really-don’t-care – I still keep myself in good shape," he said of his physique. "I don’t want to give the fans an excuse not to like me, but I guess when I hit a big home run they say, ‘Hey, that guy is just like us.'"

"I always say I take one swing for the fans, and the rest for my teammates."

And then there are his comments after Game 4 of last year's NLCS- as much as I love the Big Guy, sometimes people really don't think before they speak...which is a good thing. Keeps life interesting, that's for sure.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IqZDe4364BI

I have no earthly idea how anyone at that press conference kept a straight face. I really don't.

Yanks Take Game 1 of Series; History (Kind of) Repeats Itself

2009-05-11T00:18:00.004-04:00

May 10, Fenway Park-

Game 1 of the RBI Baseball World Series began today, to much fanfare and anticipation. The Yankees, losers of the regular season by a wide margin to the Boston Red Sox, return to the Fall Classic led by their manager Terence Mann, who has guided his teams to victories in the first three World Series. While the Twins' title in 2007 and the Yankees' 2007 and 2008 titles came after regular seasons where the competition was at least somewhat even, the 2009 regular season was handily and convincingly won by the Red Sox, managed by Alec Treveleyan; Treveleyan leads his Red Sox squad into the Series after losing only three games in the regular season. The pitching matchup for Game 1 had all the hallmarks of a postseason classic- right-handers Orlando "El Duque" Hernandez and Pedro "God" Martinez were opposing each other.

The Series opened in Fenway, and the Sox drew first blood in the third inning. Johnny Damon led the inning off with a single, and was followed by Orlando Cabrera. Cabrera lofted an easy fly ball to center field, but Bernie Williams dropped it, allowing Cabrera to reach base and Damon to advance all the way to third. Following a Cabrera steal of second, Manny Ramirez lofted a fly ball to right field, and when Damon easily beat Gary Sheffield's throw, the Sox were on the scoreboard.

The Sox would strike again in their next turn at bat. Dave Roberts, who had entered the game in the second inning as a pinch hitter, tripled to deep center field with one out in the fourth for his second hit of the game. Bernie Williams attempted to cut the ball off, but since he is old and slow, it skipped past him and to the wall allowing Roberts to make it to third. Pedro Martinez then managed to put the ball in play, sending a chopper down the line that Alex Rodriguez inexplicably threw to first rather than home, which plated Roberts for the game's second run and a 2-0 Sox lead. Rodriguez, when asked about the rather odd play after the game, had this to say: "Well, I figured that if I am utterly incapable of doing anything at all that might constitute 'good baseball' during clutch situations, I might as well put my teammates in position where they might be able to do clutch things, and throwing away a run in a World Series game seemed like a good way to do that."

The Yanks would show some life in the next half-inning, though. John Olerud, the light-hitting and often pinch-hit for first baseman, lifted a two-out fly ball directly down the right field line. There was some debate as to whether it went through the wall or over it, but regardless of where it left the field of play, the right field umpire twirled his finger in the air and the Yankees were on the scoreboard. The Fenway crowd was briefly rendered silent; this was believed to be Olerud's first home run since his skull consisted entirely of bone.

Other than the Olerud home run, Pedro had dominated the Yankees' lineup; Bernie Williams' second-inning double was the Bombers' only other hit through six innings, and Pedro had struck out six, including Gary Sheffield twice. In the seventh, however, Pedro began to tire, and the Yanks took advantage. With two outs, Bernie Williams lofted his second double of the game to deep center field. Given Williams' prior RBI career, this is roughly the equivalent of winning the lottery once a month for a year. Jorge Posada, who has spent most of his RBI life in a slump, then doubled off the very top of the right field wall to drive home Williams and tie the game. Pinch-hitter Kenny Lofton followed Posada's double with a single to right, but Posada was thrown out in a close play at the plate to end the inning.

[This is the part of the write-up where we all take the time to muse at the irony/coincidence and humor of Jorge Posada hitting a game-tying double in the late innings of a Red Sox-Yankees postseason game off of a tiring Pedro]

Both Pedro and El Duque left the game after the seventh; they gave way to Keith Foulke and Mike Mussina, respectively. Derek Jeter tripled with two outs in the 8th off Foulke, but Alex Rodriguez followed that by hitting a ball with his steroid-filled purse that rolled weakly to the second baseman, ending the inning. Foulke dispatched the Yanks in the 9th with ease, but in the 10th inning he ran into trouble. Jorge Posada opened the inning with a weak tap-out to Foulke. Kenny Lofton then hit an infield single deep to the shortstop hole. Mann then pulled second baseman Miguel Cairo for pinch-hitter Ruben Sierra. On a 2-2 fastball middle-out, Sierra hit Foulke's offering halfway up the left-field stands for a 4-2 lead. Mike Mussina finished off the Sox in the bottom half of the inning to seal the win.

After the game, Yankees' manager Terence Mann had this to say: "Sure it's nice to come into their park and win the first game, but it's a seven game series and we have a long way to go. That's a tough Red Sox team over there, they've got Manny and Ortiz in the middle of that lineup, who no one wants to face, and almost every man on that squad is capable of hitting it into the parking lot on any pitch." Game 2 will be tomorrow at Fenway Park, at a time to be determined.

Box Score
~~YANKEES~~
D. Jeter: 1-5, 3B
A. Rodriguez: 0-4, 2 K
G. Sheffield: 0-4, 2 K
H. Matsui: 0-4, 2 K
B Williams: 2-4, 2 2B, R
J. Posada: 1-4, K, 2B, RBI
J. Olerud: 1-2, HR, RBI, R
a.) K. Lofton: 2-2, R
M. Cairo: 0-3, K
b.) R. Sierra: 1-1, HR, 2 RBI, R
El Duque: 0-3
c.) M. Mussina: 0-1

==Pitching==
El Duque: 7 IP, 1 ER, 2 R, 4 H, 7 K, 3 BB, 2B, 3B, SF, SB
M. Mussina W (1-0): 3 IP, 0 ER, 0 R, 0 H, 1 BB, 5 K, CS

~~RED SOX~~
J. Damon: 1-4 (reached on error), R, K
O. Cabrera: 0-4, K (reached on error), SB
M. Ramirez: 0-3, RBI, SF, K
D. Ortiz: 0-0, 4 IBB, CS
J. Varitek: 0-4, K
T. Nixon: 0-3, K
c.) K. Millar: 0-1, K
B. Mueller: 1-4, 2B, K
M. Bellhorn: 0-0
a.) D. Roberts: 2-4, 3B, R, K
P. Martinez: 0-2, K, RBI
b.) G. Kapler: 0-1

=Pitching=
P. Martinez: 7 IP, 2 ER, 2 R, 5 H, 7 K, 0 BB, 3 2B, HR
K. Foulke L (0-1): 3 IP, 2 ER, 2 R, 3 H, 1 K, 0 BB, 3B, HR

Summary of "Holy War" Sox/Yanks 2004 Cartridge

2009-05-10T16:28:00.000-04:00

THE LINEUPS…
~~~Boston~~~
STARTERS:
Johnny “Judas/Matt” Damon: Fast. Flashes of power. Otherwise he’s just gonna ground out. Constantly. But if he gets on with a fielder's choice he might have a chance at a stolen base.

Orlando Cabrera: He has a magical ability to make sac bunts turn into double plays. And occasionally accidentally gets a base hit. Not fast enough to leg out an infield hit often, not enough power to launch onen out, not enough "being good" to "not suck".

Manny “Bad Mang” Ramirez (aka Mandy Ramirez): I’ll start off by quoting Manny’s 2007 ALCS Game 2 postgame conference “[heavy accent] Varitek came up to me in the clubhouse today, and he said… he said “choo know manny, choo never leave fengway widout a homerun”, and I said “choo know it” … he’s one of the best closers in the game but I’m one of the best hitters, and when you hit a ball like that, that’s when choo know you’re a bad mang." Good hitter, batted in front of Ortiz that season which kills me here because I can't take advantage of Ortiz's IBBs.

David “Big Papi” Ortiz: Terence has compared his hatred for David Ortiz with most of the world’s hatred of Hitler. This has been exacerbated by many clutch homeruns, a game where he hit homers in 4 consecutive at bats, and the fact that he’s much better hung than Terence (though you may have trouble finding it). Ortiz has been pegged in almost every at bat for the last two years after a game winning hit in World Series II, Game 4.

Jason Varitek: Ah, that was nice. The Sox lineup was really awesome for… two players. Now it goes back to mediocre. Sure, he’s not a complete abortion, but you want more out of a 5 spot who has a man on base in front of him almost every at bat. I’m pretty sure he has more career GIDPs than hits, but if Manny and Ortiz get on base in front of him, Usain Bolt could ground into a double play to the center fielder if he went to third and second for the force outs.

Trot “Irony” Nixon: It is ironic that he’s named Trot but so rarely trots around the bases. He sulks back to the dugout after a soft ground out much more oftenn, but “Sulk” Nixon isn’t as catchy. Basically he exists just to make absolutely sure that any rally by the big guys that has not come to fruition and dies a painful death by sodomy. And not just any sodomy. Like, being sodomized by a pack of velociraptor. Or worse, signing Julio Lugo to a multiyear deal.

Bill “Gedman” Mueller: Bill Mueller is the spiritual successor to Rich Gedman from the original version of RBI Baseball for NES. Every time Terence would have a late lead against Boston in the original, Rich Gedman “Destroyer of Dreams” would somehow blast a homer. Though this Boston team is not nearly as infallible, Bill Mueller has a tendency to blast homers at inopportune times for my opponents, such as when they’re carrying a no hitter into the bottom of the ninth of a 1-0 game.

Mark “Bellwhore” Bellhorn: In real life, the guy was a league leader in strike outs and hit second for most of the season in 2004. Luckily, he has cut down on the strikeouts by grounding out softly instead. And usually getting pinch hit for.

THE BENCH:
Kevin “Cowboy Up” Millar: Best pinch hitter off the bench for the Sox, he has the power to launch a ball into the parking lot if you make a mistake. Unfortunately, he isn't very fast, and with no protection the opposing pitchers can be very careful around him, so he doesn't get on base much these days. Had a big year in Holy War I (World Series II) and in the regular season, but not so much in the last world series.

Dave “Faster Black Man” Roberts: If only we could pinch run. He rarely gets on base with his crappy hitting, but if he grounds into a forceout he is almost a lock to steal second, sometimes third, and even occasionally home. Great speed is a huge help for the team... when he gets on base.

Doug “Alphabet” Mientkiewitcz: Can anybody really spell his name? I don’t. I bet he spends all that time on the bench coming up with acronyms for it. Because he’s never on the field. I actually tried to pinch hit the pitcher for him once and was unsuccesful. True story.

Gabe “Mazel Tough” Kapler: I'm just gonna go with am awesome quote here "Decent hitter. Awesome jew." Decent pinch hitter but only comes in for the pitcher.

THE STAFF:
Curt Schilling: Power pitcher. Good stamina. Devastating fastball. Terence hates him and wishes to cathadorize him with barbed wire.

Pedro “Your Daddy” Martinez: Great control, great curveball, stamina could use some help, velocity tends to dip mid game. Prone to late game implosions, but always comes through in relief in extra innings.

Tim “Knuckle-balla’ Wakefield: His knuckleball has yet to be scored on, average better than a strikeouts per inning, and has a WHIP under 1.00. Positively devastating. Only has a handful of losses or blown saves, but 1 of them was in the playoffs in Game 5 of the World Series II. He only pitches when absolutely necessary (so opponent don't get used to him), and rarely more than one inning, but he tends to dominate opposing hitters.

Keith “WTF” Foulke: For the first year, Keith Foulke had a pact with the devil. He almost always blew the game, either destroying a small lead or rendering stressful tie games “less stressful” by giving up the lead. But he never lost. He blew about a third of the games that he has appeared in, but the team only lost two of those games. He gave up 5 runs in the top of the 10th in one game, yet got the win. Foulke blowing the game was once viewed as a sure signal that his team will win.

Then the playoffs came. He started sucking horribly. And he has sucked ever since. First world series 4 ER in 5 1/3 innings, second world series 4 ER in 6 innings, this year he's expected to give up 4 ER in 6 2/3 inning.

~~~New York~~~
STARTERS:
Derek “GIDP” Jeter: Occasional homers, a few doubles, and then double plays. Lots of them. Even with the bases empty. Also seems to have an uncanny ability to reach on errors. He's frustrating as hell to face.

ARod: Smashes the ball, hits lots of homers, but tends to choke. On cocks. Actually, this is the anti-Arod, he is mediocre in the regular season but really good in the post season.

Gary “Sheff-Boy-R-Dee” Sheffield: He would fit in very well on the original Red Sox what with his ridiculous right handed power. And whenever I strike out Arod, he seems to figure out my pitching patterns and hammer the first pitch out of the park . Oh, btw, in the previous description, that was a blow job reference and a questioning of his sexuality in case you missed it.

Hideki “Godzilla” Matsui: Another big homer hitter, rounding out the big 4. He sucked early in the World Series in Holy War I, goingn 2-18 with 14 Ks before hitting a walkoff ninth inning single in the final game.

Those top 4 hitters can all hit homers and basically devastate the Red Sox. The lineup drops off pretty quick, but it is a brutal four hitter punch.

Bernie “NO!” Williams: Bernie is the Tim Laudner of this game. He will get out every single time. Unless the other pitcher takes him for granted. Then he will homer. So, if Matsui is walked to face Bernie, the next pitch will be out of the park. Then he’ll sit on his ass for another few days til you go back to assuming he’s an out ("Damn, this guy grounded out softly the last 10 times, why was I afraid of him? *HOMERUN* Oh... that's why"). Named for the scream of anguish when he grounded into a game ending triple play with a one run deficit.

“Hip hip Jorge” Posada: Occasional longball, but usually just grounds out. Decent protection from pinch hitters behind him, good for getting on base, but not too much power.

John “Dark Helmet” Olerud: This guy doesn’t actually get at bats much anymore. He has no power, no speed, but he does occassionally get on base, which is always very confusing. Usually replaced by Lofton.

Cairo: Sucks. Horribly. Career postseason line is .000/.000/.000. Usually replaced by Giambi or Sierra.

BENCH:
Kenny “Fast Black Man” Lofton’s: Kenny is fast and hits the ball well enough to get a good number of doubles. Solid hitter, legs out base hits, and defies logic by ACTUALLY getting a world series ring in this game, unlike real life.

Jason the Giambino: Steroids boy. Oily enough to solve the world's fuel problems for years. He is 2-3 in postseason career with a pair of homers.

Ruben Sierra: This guy sucked until a breakout performance in the Holy War I playoffs. Ever since then, he's been devastating as a pinch hitter. If he can get a hold of a ball it's pretty easy for him to knock a homer.

Tony Clark: Generally low power, but hits the occasional pinch hit homer, usually coming in nfor the pitcher.

THE STAFF:
El Duque: Starts every game. Good stamina, good curveball, good fastball, but usually makes a few mistakes that get hammered.

Mike “Moose” Mussina: Comes in in relief almost every game. Good in regular season, dominant in postseason (3-0, 0.66 ERA in Holy War I, 0-1, 0.73 ERA in Holy War II). His first pitch is usually around 79-80, then the next pitch and all further pitches are like 74 mph or so. But after El Duque is throwing slow from exhaustion, when he comes in the hitters can't handle it right away.

Mariano “Mo” Rivera: Terence wants to save him for emergencies. He rarely ever pitches because Mussina is so constant. But he's usually solid when he comes in. No postseason pitching though, ironically.

Tom Gordon: Although his fastball is hotter than Jessica Alba, it’s flatter than Kiera Knightley’s chest. The only thing about him that is straight is the trajectory of his curveball. If he were as good at pitching as he were at getting men… well, he’d still fail, but maybe in a more dazzling way.

Jamie Moyer, Tim Wakefield test positive for steroids

2009-05-07T13:41:00.003-04:00

Reports confirm that Red Sox pitcher Tim Wakefield and Phillies pitcher Jamie Moyer have been suspended indefinitely due to their use of performance enhancing drugs banned by Major League Baseball.

Commissioner Bud Selig revealed in a press conference that they had been specifically interested in Moyer and Wakefield due to the "unnatural" extra speed on their fastballs. The two players, who joined the Major Leagues in 1867, have long been the center of controversy regarding their bizarre habits and suspected substance abuse, but nobody had ever been able to pin anything on them. Complaints from opposing hitters had been piling up for years, but they finally came to a head this week when Moyer managed to strike an opposing batter out, a feat that most people believe should be physically impossible.

The tests proved conclusively that both Wakefield and Moyer had been using anabolic steroids, HGH, amphetamines, alcohol, IV adrenaline, and the blood of virgins in order to maintain their edge.*

Moyer responded to reporter's questions by stating "You know who I am? I played this game when you were still a twinkle in your grandfather's eye. I don't have to put up with you snot nosed little kids trying to ruin my life, now mind your own business and get off my lawn you little bastards before I get my musket"

When cornered after tonight's game, Wakefield reportedly said "[expletive deleted] you you little [expletive deleted] s I should [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] you in the face with a [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] and then [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] you with a [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] in the [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] until you can't [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] without [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] out your [expletive deleted] ."

Sabremetricians everywhere have long questioned the unusual length of their careers. It is well known that most baseball players peak in their late 20s or early 30s, while decling at the end of their 30s and early 40s. However, rather than declining, the two pitchers have been fairly consistent for most of their careers according to the OAF system (inset). Sabermetricians maintain that this is a clear reason to suspect PED use.

Reactions in MLB clubhouses were mixed

"What the [expletive deleted] are you talking about?" responded Chicago manager Ozzie Guillen when questioned by phone. He continued "Seriously, is this some kind of [expletive deleted] joke? Who are you? How did you get this number? I'm calling the [expletive deleted] cops on your [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted]."

Other baseball figures reacted differently. Many were shocked, such as former player Julio Franco, who stated "I played with those guys ever since I got back from my tour with the Army of Virginia during the Civil War. Now I don't know how to feel. I mean... you think you know a guy. I don't know, I guess I feel... betrayed"

Some were more aggressive. "I knew there was something up with those guy since the moment I set eyes on them" maintains some player on some National League team nobody cares about. "All cocky up there with his 75 mph fastball. Like he owned the place. You could tell even then that they'd be the kind of guys who think they wouldn't get caught, that they're above the rules."

But others were more accepting "You know, maybe they didn't knowingly take it. I mean, there's that one guy on TV who prescribed a guy cigarettes, maybe they didn't know they were taking it?" said nice guy but gullible dumbass Jim Thome.

Some just seem to be in denial.
"Dude, there's no way he was taking steroids back in '04" maintans former Wakefield teammate Kevin Millar. "I pantsed that [expletive deleted] in the clubhouse after we beat the Yanks in '04, and let me tell you... if that's what his testicles look like after steroid shrinkage, that man must have elephantitis down there. You know, his saddle pommel. His boots and spurs. The chambers of his ole' revolver. His down south barbeque sauce producers"

Fan reaction was even more mixed
"Dude, didn't Jamie Moyer die a few years ago?" -MarinersFan2001
"Bull**** dude, this is bull****, Arod gets off free and they don't?" -GoB0S0X
"This is all a lie made up by the media to manipulate us" -ConspiracyTheorist801
"Hank Aaron took greenies, Cobb sharpened his cleats, all of baseball is a sham!" - Dickweed15626
"I hear Jamie Moyer killed six people and then had sex with their children. True Story" PhilliesSuckzorz
"****" -EastCoastBias04
"Please God, let Julio Lugo test positive" - Red Sox Pitching Staff, Lineup

Some have already questioned how this will affect the two players hall of fame status. When asked whether this would effect his vote, a source who requested to remain anonymous responded "Wait, you thought these guys ever had a chance? Are you an idiot?"

The eventual fallout is unclear, but this is clearly a bad day for baseball.

"Any time this happens, it's bad for the game" says Moyer teammate Brett Myers. "It's a black eye for the game, and not like the kind I give my wife, because baseball can't make me a sandwich afterwards"

-

* (Sources confirm that this virgin blood came from the readership of one "Two Strike Bunt").

Ohhhh. Shit.

2009-05-07T12:40:00.003-04:00

Well, this isn't good.

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=4148907

As much as Manny has absolutely destroyed every team I like over the years, this is just bad for baseball. Absolutely nothing good can come of this. It'll be interesting to hear what additional information comes out...Boras has already had some damage control practice with regards to the steriods issue and superstar clients of his, so let's see if this one plays out any different. I know Manny claims that it wasn't a steriod that he tested positive for, but we'll see where this goes. A bad day for baseball.

Fatasses and stealing their co-blogger's pringles

2009-05-06T01:23:00.002-04:00

Those seem to go together a lot.

Forgot one earlier.

Carl Crawford stole 6 bags vs. the Red Sox this week. We haven't seen a baseball player run with such enthusiasm since Prince Fielder heard it was snack time.

Haphazardry

2009-05-05T16:03:00.002-04:00

I could not help but notice that my partner in crime has used three different names for his three different "potpourri"-type columns: "Pluses and Minuses," "Bits and Pieces," and "Swings and Misses." As our misson statement boldly asserts, we don't have much of a plan for this, just going to see where it goes- so why bother with consistency? I'm not criticizing, I'm embracing- and I thought I'd take this opportunity to suggest some more pairs of things that always seem to go nicely together, since I may never leave the library again:

Odds and Ends
Sneezes and Farts
Dicks and Balls
Matches and Gasoline
Hatchets and Foreheads
Soap and Jail
Tea and Crumpets
Bears and Children
Heartattack and Vine
Hairdryers and Bathtubs
Buggerers and Bull Dykes
Hopscotch and Land Mines
Beer and Sex
Tequila and Bad Sex
Sheep and Alec

That should keep you covered for a while...mostly the point of this exercise was to say something absurd while buried under too much work.

Swings and misses

2009-05-05T13:54:00.003-04:00

Rick Ankiel was hospitalized after crashing headfirst into the outfield wall. Luckily, he didn't bang his head against a wall as hard or as often as those who drafted David Ortiz early in fantasy.

Texas second baseman Ian Kinsler is second place in the majors with 9 homers so far this season. This really is an accomplishment when you consider he's only the only team in the AL that doesn't get to face the Texas pitching staff.

Brewers pitcher Yovani Gallardo went 8 scoreless innings and belted a homerun in a 1-0 victory over the Pirates. The Pirates hadn't been embarassed like that since about two-thirds of the games in their last dozen seasons.

The New York Mets have demoted Oliver Perez from the starting rotation after an abysmal start to the year. Perez's pitching was so abysmal that many Mets fans thought that they had accidentally time travelled to September.

I Believe We Have a New Patron Saint

2009-05-05T02:30:00.002-04:00

Wow.

http://bleacherreport.com/articles/34592-sox-on-deck-pawsox-lose-on-2-out-2-strike-bunt-in-bottom-9th

Danny Sandoval is a former Phillies SS prospect who was last seen playing for the Tiburones de la Guaira this past winter and is currently, according to milb.com, still a free agent. Much more importantly than that, though, I believe he is now a candidate to be the first Patron Saint of Two-Strike Bunt; I'm pretty sure a walkoff two-strike bunt gives you a damn good shot at that honor. I must confess, I found the article because I forgot the web address for my own blog, I Googled "two strike bunt," and this article was the next one down. But holy shit does that take some balls- two strikes, two outs, runner on third? What a baller. What an absolute baller.

Also, on a completely unrelated note, I have terrible work habits.

Heated Toilet Seats > #1 Starter?

2009-05-04T23:03:00.002-04:00

As a man, I understand that the toilet seat is a special place. We have a certain affinity for the "throne;" I couldn't tell you why, just because I am not well-versed in the psychology of excrement, but I know it's true and so do you. Apparently though, I might have underestimated just how important the throne is to both men and women; it seems that in Japan, having a comfortable commode is worth selling your team's ace and national hero halfway around the globe.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/03/sports/baseball/03lions.html?_r=2&ref=sports

I shit you not. If you take a look at the article, there are some seriously strange quotes in there. "Daisuke made such a great contribution to the team for 10 years, so these are kind of his memorial places"? Does that strike anyone else as a rather strange thing to say? And then there's the couple from America, clearly enjoying all that Japan has to offer:
“It looked like a women’s room in a nice hotel with the vanities and sinks,” said Tere Garcia-Pena, visiting from Manhattan with her husband, Miguel. “It was just so nice and clean, I felt like I just wanted to keep going in there.”
I can see it now. "Hunny, let's fly halfway around the globe so we can see what a real stadium can looks like- if I ever have to take one more shit in Yankee Stadium, I think I might cry." And she wanted to keep going in there? Jesus Christ- I know women get bored at ballgames, but seriously? You cannot find anything more compelling to do at a baseball game than taking a piss? Good God.

For clarity's sake, I would like to say that I'm not criticizing what the Lions did with the Matsuzaka money- if your stadium is a shithole, and $51 million falls into your lap, it makes sense to do a little renovating. I am, however, observing that a) this is a seriously strange article and b) I'm pretty damn sure that a #1 starter is more valuable to the long-term success of a franchise than heated toilet seats, an opinion that the writer of the article, a Mr. David Waldstein, seems not to share: "...based on the new amenities, it has been a rather equitable exchange." No, Mr. Waldstein, it hasn't. The fact that Ms. Pena feels exquisitely comfortable while dropping the kids off at the pool will not help the Lions win a single ballgame, or sell a single ticket; no one shows up at the ballpark because they want to take a shit. If you wanted to make the argument that the Lions have made out well because they upgraded the stadium and more importantly they used the Matsuzaka money to get several players to win a championship, then I would have no issue with you. Look at the Mariners in 2001- they lose Johnson, Griffey, and A-Rod 3 years in a row, but win 116 games in 2001 because they then spent that money on a number of other players that filled a number of holes on their team.* But you dedicate one throwaway line to that and spend the rest of the article fawning over the all-powerful hot seat.

I must say, though, I can find no argument whatsoever with this:
“If the bathrooms are nice and convenient, then you do not hesitate to buy another cup of beer,” Takahashi said.
Goddamn right, Takahashi. You're goddamn right.

*Important 2001 Seattle Mariners signed as free agents between Johnson's departure and the 2001 season: Jeff Nelson, Ichiro, John Olerud, Bret Boone, Aaron Sele, Arthur Rhodes, Kaz Sasaki. Important 2001 Seattle Mariners acquired in the Johnson or Griffey trades: Freddy Garcia, Carlos Guillen, John Halama, Mike Cameron. According to BaseballRef, the Mariners' payroll in '98, their last season with all three, was about $53 million, and their payroll in '01 was about $73 million. Obviously there are several factors at work here- maybe ownership didn't want to spend as much money on the team in those years, or there could be something I have no idea about. Also, the 1998-1999 offseason was the offseason when salaries exploded, so it is slightly unfair to compare the before/after years, but what the hell else am I going to do?

Ouch

2009-05-04T09:40:00.003-04:00

That's Carl Crawford's throw from left field nailing Dustin Pedroia in the balls this Saturday. Ouch.

Higher res image if it becomes available.

A-Rod Already Providing Relief for Yanks

2009-05-04T01:40:00.003-04:00

Unfortunately for Joe Girardi's already receding hairline, it is of the comic, rather than the offensive or pitching, type. (Although Joe already has Nick Swisher, God among Men, to solve all his bullpen woes) As someone who knows that the old-time romantic/nostalgic view of baseball is largely a fictionalization and a marketing tool but holds it anyway, I wish A-Rod could be clean and normal and just hit home runs (in the "clutch," of course) without keeping 37 different tabloids in business. Essentially, I wish he could be Albert Pujols. (I really, really, really want to believe Pujols is clean- I know steriods don't actually help you hit a baseball, and personally I am so sick of hearing about the issue that I more or less don't give a shit anymore, but it still bothers me and I'd like people to be clean) El Hombre, however, A-Rod is not. He's not even The Man. (Yes, El Hombre > The Man. Just ask yourself, which one sounds more badass?)

A-Rod is an extraordinarily talented ballplayer, and statistically is easily one of the best ever. But there is so much shit constantly swirling around him that it's easy to forget just how absurdly good he has been since he first broke into The Show. I'm not a big A-Rod fan; I'd have to say I'm rather ambivalent about him. When I was younger, I somewhat resented him because he was significantly better than my favorite player (Derek Jeter) but now I don't really have strong feelings one way or the other. Obviously I want him to succeed because he plays for the Yankees and because I love seeing great players play well, but beyond that I have no particular attachment to him.

I have to say though, I think it's absolutely hilarious that he cannot do ANYTHING anymore without creating yet another mess in his life. The man has taken his life, which a few years ago seemed to be about as clean-cut and straightforward as it gets for a major league ballplayer, and turned it into the sporting world's greatest walking clusterfuck. Steriods? Check. In high school? Check. Extramarital affairs? Check. With Madonna? Check. Strippers? Check. Mystical religions that most people don't understand? Check. Selling out his team's relievers so he can pad his batting stats? Check. Strangely sensual pictures involving himself and...a mirror? Check. I am honestly eagerly anticipating the next utterly ridiculous headline involving Mr. Alexander Emmanuel Rodriguez. It's past the point where you feel bad just because there's been so much of it; it either has gotten to him at this point or it hasn't, and if it hasn't already, it won't. Which means that the thing to do is simply revel in it- not because A-Rod is someone to be hated, but because he is providing us with some serious first-class entertainment. He has managed to put himself in a situation where although he plays a fucking game for a living, and is paid an exorbinant amount to do so, there are probably about seven people in the universe that would actually want to put themselves in his place.

Returning to my point though, I am seriously looking forward to the next piece of news that comes out concerning the man they call Mrs. October. One loyal reader (and the only reader that I know of other than us...so I guess that makes him loyal) suggested "in a couple weeks it'll be made public that he killed four hookers with a pair of cleats in the Rangers' clubhouse." Personally, my money's on something so outlandish that even Britney would say "Seriously dude? What the fuck?" Maybe a highly suggestive music video? Or perhaps Selena Roberts discovers that A-Rod is actually funneling money to Somalian pirates? Or following another season where he fails to lead the Yanks to a World Championship (not what I'm hoping for, but that's probably what'll happen) he decides to train in Siberia all winter and fight Kevin Youkilis in a battle to determine the outcome of the global arms race between Red Sox Nation and Yankees Universe? Or maybe he decides to forsake the material world and become a Buddhist monk in Nepal? God only knows what that shitclown will do next, but I can't wait.

I seriously think it's good for baseball and America though. A-Rod's shenanigans are good for baseball because baseball always needs a villian. That's what the Yankees and Red Sox exist for- they are the villians of the major leagues; everbody hates them. But you have to have some players that are the bad guys too- and that's where A-Rod fits in. Now that Bonds is retired, there has to be someone in the majors who gets booed in every single visiting park he sets foot in; it gives baseball fans common ground, something fans of every team can identify with and participate in. And it's good for America because A-Rod stands as a reminder that even though the economy's tanked more than the Mets in September, life can be shitty even for people who have obscene amounts of money.

If we have more readers out there, feel free to offer up your own suggestions as to what Mrs. October will do next- I'm curious to see just how little faith we have in his ability to act like a normal human being.

Bits and Pieces

2009-04-28T01:35:00.003-04:00

The Yankees team ERA is dead last in MLB with a 6.18 ERA. In related news, the Texas Rangers have made a 5-year offer to Yankees pitching coach Dave Eiland.

Zack Greinke continues to dominate, with his 0.00 ERA being exactly equal to the combined potential of the rest of Kansas City.

Kevin Youkilis leads the majors in batting average and on base percentage. Brett Myers leads in slugging, though Elijah Dukes is believed to be the better all around hitter.

The news that Julio Lugo was activated from the disabled list in time for the Red Sox' Monday night game seem to confirm previous reports that Nick Green slept with Theo Epstein's wife.

The Phillies hit a pair of grand slams in their Monday night win. However, it was against the Nationals, and in an attempt to avoid skewing statistics, record books will record them as sac flies instead, which would be the equivalent if the Phillies had been playing a major league team.

Pluses and Minuses: Texas Rangers

2009-04-24T23:53:00.005-04:00

TEXAS RANGERS
-Kevin Millwood is 1-2 with a 2.10 ERA due to lack of run support, while Brandon McCarthy is 2-0 with a 4.76 ERA. The Texas offense is the deadbeat dad of baseball... it slugs a lot, is never there when you need it, but every once in a while he'll show up with random shit so he can keep his tax deduction.

+Ian Kinsler is hitting so well that his slugging looks like the Rangers' team ERA with a misplaced decimal

-Texas pitching is so bad that Kason Gabbard gave up a game winning hit when he wasn't even in the state.

+4 guys on this team have ERAs under 4.50,making this the best pitching staff in recent Texas history. Only 1 of them has double digit innings, but it'd be pretty rude to spit in the face of the team's history by pitching well over an extended period of time.

-Chris Davis has more Ks than a looped Klan marquee

-Credits to reader and Texas fan Dr_Football: (on Lindstrom blowing the save and giving up 7 runs in the 9th) "[All by himself?] Around these parts, that's our set up guy"

I Love It!!

2009-04-23T16:41:00.003-04:00

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2009/baseball/mlb/04/22/yankees.emptyseats.ap/index.html

It's so rewarding, especially right after finishing that rant. And Randy Levine, in case you actually believe the drivel you spout, let me give you a little heads up- (because you are clearly reading this blog) you are not "done talking about seats." You're just getting warmed up. And I'm loving every minute of it.

Schadenfreude

2009-04-22T22:44:00.003-04:00

I know I promised our faithful readers (ok, maybe faithful reader? I guess it might be presumptuous to think more than one person is paying attention) the full propaganda spiel of the People's Army for the Liberation of Nick Swisher, but I came across this photograph linked in a Rob Neyer blog post, and thought I'd use it as an opportunity to rant about something that pisses me off about the New Yankee Stadium:

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_1aTrKKEiz2A/Se29w36KwBI/AAAAAAAAB1g/4Xb1IInlHj8/s1600-h/Yanks+empty+seats1.jpg

Given that I'm a Yankees fan, you'd probably assume this would be somewhat unsettling, but this picture really warms the cockles of my heart. Why? Because those are possibly some of the seats that cost more for a game than a lot of people in this country earn in a month, and if they're not, they likely aren't that much cheaper. I have not seen the seating chart for the New Stadium, so I don't know if those are the famous $2,625 seats, and they are at the tarp, which is probably far enough down the line that they're the bargain basement seats- somewhere in the infinitely more palatable $400-1,000 range or something equally as absurd. But sweet Jesus do the Yanks' ticket prices make my blood boil.

Neyer makes the valid point that the Yanks are uniquely positioned to build a ballpark for the rich because of where they are located and who they are, and that every other organization in the majors would build a ballpark for the rich if they could. But at heart, I am still one of those sappy traditionalists who loves the history and nostalgia of the game, and stuff like this absolutely makes me livid. It, to me, absolutely nukes the idea of a ballpark experience centered around a love of the game, and represents, buck naked for the world to see, the other side of the game- the fact that it is a business, and an extraordinarily lucrative one at that. I am not denying that the game has always been a business- or at least the modern major league version- (since 1901) I'm sure the earlier leagues were, I just don't know their history as well to speak definitively. Or that the sappy nostalgic aura that is attached to baseball is in one respect nothing more than the single greatest marketing scheme in American history.

That said, even people who got violently ill while watching Field of Dreams and who cannot stand the "baseball myth" have to admit that this myth is an important part of the game. I'm sure the New Yankee Stadium absolutely wallows in the history of the Bombers, as it well should- with the exception of the Montreal Canadiens, no other sports franchise in North America has the kind of extraordinary past that the Yankees do. But as I've observed in recent years while going to the recently closed version of Old Yankee Stadium, the Yankees have an annoying way of taking their illustrious history and beating you over the head with it until you finally cave in and buy your own unique piece, serially numbered to 8,499, for the bargain price of $199.95.

In his first post, Alec mentioned that I am a Yankees, Twins, and Phillies fan, and I never elaborated on how I came to that rather odd combination of three teams. My whole family is Yankee fans, and I was raised as one. Some of the most spectacular and memorable things I have ever seen on a baseball field, I saw in Yankee Stadium. Boomer's perfect game. Tino's blast into the upper deck off Langston in the '98 Series. Roger Clemens throwing the bat at Piazza. Jeter crowning himself "Mr. November." Paul O'Neill crying in right field the next night as 57,000 adoring fans chanted his name one last time. A-Rod's 500th home run. I know how special a trip to that place can be. But in recent years, I have to confess that every time I went to the Stadium, I left feeling like I had just been hustled in the most unpleasant of ways. Violated is a strong word, but that's really what it felt like. It became so bad that I must confess to actually consciously avoiding the Stadium if I could. There were days in the summers when I'd have a chance to go to a ballgame on the spur of the moment, and I honestly would choose Shea over Yankee Stadium because of how unpleasant that place became, and in spite of Shea being a first-class dump and my hatred of the Mets. What I think happened is that at some point, Yankees baseball stopped being the purpose of Yankee Stadium- the organization began to view the ballgame as simply a marketing tool to get people in the door so they could buy Yankees shirts and Yankees food and Yankees memrobilia. Obviously each major league organization wants to make money, but the thing is, they're ALL making money- even the f***ing Pirates and Royals and Athletics and Marlins are making money. What bothers me I guess is that most major league organizations at least try to pretend to value winning almost much as making money, although I suspect this is largely because they're all making money anyway, and the Yankees don't even try to pretend that winning ballgames is anywhere near their priority. If winning games helps them sell stuff, then winning games is good. But I just don't see the organization caring much about it past that.

I know that isn't really true, but that is absolutely the impression one gets from attending a Yankees game. Sorry for the rant. But seeing that picture just made me so happy, and reminded me of how pissed off I get at the Yankees organization. There were 7,000 empty seats at the second game of the season at the New Yankee Stadium, and I hope there are at least that many for the rest of the regular season. I want to see an insanely intense Yanks-Red Sox game on TV in June or July, and every time a foul pop drifts near the dugout, have the TV camera show a half-empty section behind the dugout. I want to see the economy rebound and at the same time, see season ticket renewals for 2010 plummet because people realize how obscene those prices are. I wish no ill will on the on-field product; I will continue to root for the Yankees as I have always done, despite my sometimes extreme frustrations with the way the organization is run. But I am desperately hoping that the Yankees' management gets unbelievably, royally, completely screwed. Like I'm talking "covered in peanut butter in a room full of rabid squirrels" screwed. And that when he returns, Xavier Nady stays firmly put on the bench with the exception of DHing in place of Matsui vs. left-handers. And that the Yanks start threatening to take away Sabathia Claus's cheeseburgers if he doesn't get his shit together. That's it for bile. Up next, probably tomorrow: the previously promised statement from the propoganda minister for the People's Army for the Liberation of Nick Swisher.

Slow/Busy News Days

2009-04-22T11:15:00.003-04:00

Respondng to the below, I've quote reference Steve Hofstetter's National Lampoon Sports Minute Or So...
"Florida high school pitcher Patrick Schuster has thrown three straight no-hitters. No one was more impressed than his opponents : the Washington Nationals."
-http://www.minuteorso.com/

Seriously though, great work for the kid, he could probably play for Baltimore right now and be second in their rotation, though that probably wouldn't get him nearly as many women.

And the restaurant is going to be Lockover's.

Also, Nick Swisher obviously won't cure AIDS, Matt Wieters will. Probably while batting against Stephen Strasburg

"Not So Fast, Alec" says eighteen-year-old

2009-04-22T10:29:00.002-04:00

Alec, I know you have a man-crush on Tim Wakefield. I know you've spent a lot of time thinking about exactly which romantic resturaunt you'd take him to in Boston if you ever landed a date with him. But let's be honest, seven no-hit innings isn't a reason to get all starry-eyed about your favorite 42-year-old. Why do I say that? Because some high school kid in Florida just threw his fourth consecutive no-hitter. Yes, four.

http://deadspin.com/5221189/four-no+hitters-in-a-row-ok-thats-impressive

Ridiculous. And this is Florida high school baseball- I'm pretty sure there's a higher quality of play in Florida high school baseball than there is in a couple of the independent leagues. Those kids are ridiculous. And speaking of absurd, the national record is six? In a row? That reminds me of the scene in "Clerks" where Dante gets pissed off about his girlfriend's fondness for fellatio and says to the random customer "My girlfriend sucked 36 dicks!" and the customer responds "In a row?" I can just see it now. "My son threw six no-hitters!" "In a row?" "Why yes, actually." All I can say is that this kid probably won't be lacking a prom date in a few weeks. I know high school sucks sometimes and high school kids are assholes, but I have a feeling that being on SportsCenter should be able to get you a date.

Also, the People's Army for the Liberation of Nick Swisher appears to have scored a big, although not decisive, victory in their most recent battle- Weapon X has a partially torn ligament in his throwing arm and will miss at least a month. I would like to lead off by saying I have no ill will against Xavier Nady- I'm sure he's a good girl, crazy about Elvis, loves horses, and his boyfriend too. And I'm a bad boy for breakin' his balls. But there is no way in all holy hell that he should be starting over Nick Swisher. I realize that Swisher is not going to hit .311 this year. I realize that he will not continue to be the Yanks' most reliable set-up man. I realize he will not cure AIDS, world hunger, and global warming with a swing of the bat. But the man is a better fielder, a switch-hitter that does not have stomach-turning splits between L/R-handers, and projects to be a roughly equal hitter this season. I will post my argument later- I'm not just going to make general statements like that without backing them up (this time, anyway) but I gotta try and fix the mess that is my life. And, more importantly, find some food.

NL East Preview

2009-04-19T23:28:00.003-04:00

~~NL East~~

Atlanta Braves

Strengths: The addition of Derek Lowe with his ground ball pitching style should keep the defense busy, because got knows they won’t be doing much in the other half of the inning.

Weaknesses: Helen Keller could probably strike out less often than Jeff Francouer.

Deciding factor: Atlanta has a great chance at their division if the year is between 1995 and 2005.

Fun fact: The Braves signed Chipper Jones to a three year, $42 million extension hoping that at 36 he’ll finally grow out of those injury problems that have plagued him since he pulled a hamstring while kicking in the womb.

Florida Marlins

Strengths: Many baseball players are pressured by their fan’s expectations of their performance. Luckily for the Marlins, they have no fans, so they can stay stress free.

Weaknesses: The defense of Florida’s infield is ugly. And I’m not talking “tolerable when drunk but realize it’s a bad idea in the morning” ugly, I mean “still know it’s a horrible, horrible idea even after downing half a bottle of jaeger” ugly.

Deciding factor: The Marlins have signed Scott Proctor, so it’s only a matter of time until Joe Torre becomes their new manager.

Fun fact: The average American’s yearly salary could probably pay for the entire Marlins roster. However, the average Southeast Asian sweatshop worker’s yearly salary is definitely more than the Marlins make in ticket sales each year.

New York “LOL”Mets

Strengths: Addition of JJ Putz and Francisco Rodriguez gives Mets brand new players to teach in the ancient art of epic choking. It was getting a little boring with the same guys blowing leads in the late innings of every game.

Weaknesses: September

Deciding factor: Johan Santana treads a fine line between “kicking ass” and “kicking too much ass”. The rest of the team treads a fine line between “doing decently well until late August” and “completely and utterly crapping the bed”.

Fun fact: In the time it took me to write these analyses, the Mets could have choked away a 15-game division lead in the last month of the season.

Philadelphia Phillies

Strengths: Brett Myers lead the Phillies in punchouts last season. He was also second on the team in strikeouts.

Weaknesses: Jamie Moyer was the second best starting pitcher for the Phillies last year. The last time he was the best starting pitcher on a team, it was because the rest of the league’s pitchers were busy fighting at the Battle of Verdun.

Deciding factor: If Jayson Werth does really well again, his marketability could really take off. For example…

http://img14.imageshack.us/img14/5433/werth2.jpg

Fun fact: If Ryan Howard aged a day for each time that he struck out, he would fossilize by mid-May.

Washington Nationals

Strengths: Added Adam Dunn, a player who brings OBP, HRs, Ks, and an erection for sabremetricians everywhere.

Weaknesses: When Christian Guzman is your team’s All Star Game representative, you should pretty much give up trying to be taken seriously as a ball club.

Deciding factor: It’s the Nationals. Their deciding factor is the rules of baseball.

Fun fact: My little sister’s softball team could beat the Nationals and she doesn’t even exist.

(Division previews inspired by The Onion Sports, The Brushback Report, Gamefaqs Forums, and various substances of questionable legality)

NL Central

2009-04-18T19:56:00.000-04:00

~~NL Central~~

Cincinatti Reds
Strengths: Homer Bailey is an awesome name for a future All Star slugger. Wait, you say he’s a pitcher? Is that some kind of a sick joke?
Weaknesses: Dusty Baker is surrounded by pussies who can’t pitch 300+ innings in a season. Screw inning counts, 300 was good enough for Cy it should be good enough for these wimps.
Deciding Factor: Edinson Volquez had a great first half last year before fading into obscurity, where he joined the rest of his teammates and the entire city of Cincinatti. That should be enough motivation to drive him to success this year. Or at least forcing a trade to get him out of that hellhole.
Fun Fact: Cincinatti’s Great American Ball Park is the only major league stadium where you can bunt a homerun over the center field wall.

Chicago Cubs
Strengths: With the addition of Kevin Gregg and Aaron Heilman, the Cubs can solve the dangerous problem of having too many late game leads.
Weaknesses: Economists are examining Kosuke Fukudome as potentially the most prolific economic model of all time, as his batting average over the last season had a near perfect correlation with the Down Jones Industrial Average in the offseason.
Deciding Factor: In this division, the Cubs should have no trouble building up their fanbase’s expectations during the regular season only to crush them in their traditional manner in the playoffs like a glass at a Jewish wedding.
Fun Fact: Having exposed the racism of Canada, Cleveland, California and Texas, Milton Bradley seems to have completed his Odyssey, as he finally finds himself in a city with absolutely no history of racial conflict whatsoever.

Houston Astros
Strengths: Roy Oswalt and Lance Berkman are pretty damn awesome for guys nobody cares about.
Weaknesses: Houston can expect a return to form from set-up man LaTroy Hawkins. Unfortunately, that form sucks.
Deciding Factor: Houston signed pitcher Mike Hampton this offseason, and if he stays healthy, he could be a huge advantage for this team. That is to say, if he can stay healthy, everybody else in the world will die of shock, and with Hampton as the only surviving baseball player, Houston would win the World Series by default. Although he’d probably hurt himself taking the NLCS trophy and have to go on the DL for the World Series.
Fun Fact: What kind of ****ing name is Wandy? Wandy Rodriguez? Is that a typo?

Milwaukee Brewers
Strengths: At the end of last year, there were fears that the competition between Ben Sheets and CC Sabathia for the title of team ace could cause dissent in the clubhouse. This problem was neatly avoided by making sure that this year there are no pitchers even remotely close to ace-like, so whoever gets to be the pseudo-ace will just be happy not to be in the minor leagues.
Weaknesses: Prince Fielder on meat: 50 HR, .288/.395/.618, 156 OPS+
Prince Fielder as a vegetarian (through the end of last season): 34 HR, .276/.372/.507, 128 OPS+
At this point, even PETA wants Fielder to eat a god damn steak, because they need him to rake for their fantasy teams.
Deciding Factor: If Trevor Hoffman can continue to defy all logic and continue to rack up saves, the Brewers still wouldn’t win the division, but he would at least be able to brag about defying all logic.
Fun Fact: Ryan "The Hebrew Hammer" Braun offers a magnificent opportunity, in that Jewish people will finally have a new token athlete to mention, because we've all had enough of this Sandy Koufax bullshit.

Pittsburgh Pirates
Strengths: None
Weaknesses: Dude, they’re the Pittsburgh Pirates. Just writing about that team saps my will to live, halfway through this writeup and I already want to take a blowdryer into the tub with me. God only knows how it must feel for them, the fact that any have survived is a miracle.
Deciding Factor: The only way you’ll see anybody in the Pittsburgh clubhouse this October is if they want to use the HDTVs to watch the Steelers.
Fun Fact: In a survey in which all MLB players were asked to list the 30 MLB teams, Pittsburgh was absent from all but 4 lists, including those of Pirates players. Teams that got more mentions include the Montreal Expos, the Bad News Bears, and “that team from Bugs at Bat”

St. Louis Cardinals
Strengths: Chris Carpenter could be a great pitcher if he is able to stay healthy this year. Of course, Ted Williams could be a great hitter if he is able to stay healthy this year, but I wouldn’t be drafting him in fantasy, mainly because he’s dead.
Weaknesses: Their big offseason acquisition was Khalil Greene. The rest of the division is surely trembling in fear at his beastly .213/.260/.339 line last year.
Deciding Factor: If Tony La Russa can find the cloning facilities on Kamino and convince them to clone Albert Pujols instead of Jango Fett, then they can build an unstoppable team of Pujols, able to destroy all those who stand in their way. However, this would allow General Manager John Mozeliak to topple the feeble Bud Selig and rule as the evil Emperor of Baseball for decades of darkness. If they can manage to do this, they will not only dominate MLB for the next decade, but they will also have lived up to a far better plot than George Lucas was able to put together.
Fun Fact: St. Louis have the luxury of choosing their closer from a wide range of pitchers this spring, ranging from random prospect who got called up and pitched 40 innings last season to random prospect who got called up and pitched 10 innings last season.

(Division previews inspired by The Onion Sports, The Brushback Report, Gamefaqs Forums, and various substances of questionable legality)

Outpitched by that guy from the Aflac commercials

2009-04-16T23:14:00.003-04:00

Indians - 10 @ Yankees - 2

At the beginning of the game, Lee looked like crap, and I figured the Yankees had it in the bag. But Sabathia threw 120+ pitches in 5.2 innings while allowing a lone run, while Cliff Lee somehow managed 6 innings of 1 run ball. So it was 1-1 entering the 7th.

Then the Yankees bullpen came in.

It's a really bad sign when Yogi Berra's first pitch was in the dirt and he still pitched better than the Yankees bullpen.

Wakefield

2009-04-16T19:35:00.003-04:00

By the way, I gotta actually be serious here for a moment and say, as a Red Sox fan, how much I was hoping Wakefield would get the no hitter. Wakefield is my favorite player, even if he's not the best, and it would have been nice to see. But even if he didn't make history, Wake did great, especially when the Sox were amidst a 3 game slide and had used their bullpen for 11.2 innings the night before. Gave the Red Sox exactly what they needed and far more than they expected.

So, this is my shoutout to my main man Tim Wakefield for coming up big when the team needed him and being an awesome guy in general

Of course, you'd think that just by the sheer mathematics of it, Wakefield would have pitched a no hitter sometime between when he entered the league during the McKinley administration and now.

NL West Preview

2009-04-16T17:09:00.006-04:00

~~NL West~~

Arizona Diamondbacks
Strengths: Stephen Drew has yet to display the frailty and girly parts that characterize his older brother Nancy.

Weaknesses: The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon could probably pitch better than her namesake at this point.

Deciding factor: Starting rotation has the opportunity to keep the deficit in each game manageable for the mediocre offense until the bullpen comes in and does their best impression of Nagasaki.

Fun fact: Whenever I see Brandon Webb’s name and am trying to think of a fun fact to put in an NL West preseason preview, I think of Spiderman, and how awesome it’d be if Spiderman played in the MLB. Hell, I’d even watch Toby McGwire play in the MLB with no powers, because there’s no way that his baseball career could be worse than Spiderman 3.

Colorado Rockies

Strengths: Jeff Francis is a legitimate ace with a 4.74 career ERA, which after applying the Coors Field conversion factor is about a -327.00 ERA.

Weaknesses: The Rockies had a magical run to the World Series in 2007, winning 21 of their last 22. Unfortunately, the club’s strict Christian management believe all magic to be occult and have banned it from their team, to be replaced by good, moral, soul-crushing beatdowns at the hands of whatever other joke teams are in the semi-professional "national" league that they’re in.

Deciding factor: Troy Tulowitzki can either come back as the badass guy who hammered balls and snagged line drives or the wimpy little girl whose gets boo-boos when he can’t control the piece of wood that is the basis of his entire career.

Fun fact: Todd Helton’s beard has better range than Derek Jeter.

Los Angeles Dodgers

Strengths: Dodgers fans can expect good things from Juan Pierre if it turns out that he was recently released after being kidnapped in 1999 and had no relation to the impostor who has been playing for the last decade.

Weaknesses: Russ Martin is playing for Team Canada in this year’s World Baseball Classic, which should be enough to remind him that his career is a lost cause.

Deciding factor: Los Angeles will be in good shape as long as they keep Manny Ramirez happy by giving him everything he wants. Just hope he doesn’t ask to play shortstop, get a chance to ride the unicorns, or play in a quality division.

Fun fact: The Dodgers have found a way to battle economic hard times by selling tickets that are only good for the first two innings and last two innings, a time period where they have a surplus of empty seats.

San Diego Padres
Strengths: Signing of David Eckstein gives them a league leading HEART score of 17 and a NL West best GRIT factor of 2i^3.

Weaknesses: Some guy I’ve never heard of called Adrian Gonzalez plays at first, who might have had a shot at a career if he didn’t get signed by the Padres.

Deciding factor: If the other 15 teams in the National League disband, the Padres would have a roughly 20% chance of making the World Series.

Fun fact: If the goal of the game was to have more runs than your opponent at the end of 9 innings, the Padres would be in horrible shape.

San Francisco Giants
Strengths: In the unlikely event that you are ever at AT&T Park for a Giants game, there are as usually 9 discrete, 15-minute breaks in the action to get concessions or go to the bathroom that conveniently start right after the last opposing batter of an inning makes an out and then end right before the first opposing batter of the next inning comes to bat.

Weaknesses: Team is slightly imbalanced by the lack of players with between 5 and 5000 games worth of experience.

Deciding factor: Matt Cain’s W-L record will actually turn out to be the greatest practical joke in San Francisco history, so he’ll have two choices. Laugh it off and get the 15-20 wins he deserves with his ERA, or go on a homicidal massacre of all of his teammates, forcing the Giants to hire a completely new 25-man roster. Either way, the Giant would be much better off.

Fun fact: The only way pitcher Tim Lincecum could have been more dominating last year would have been if he had had the opportunity to pitch against the Giants a few times.

(Division previews inspired by The Onion Sports, The Brushback Report, Gamefaqs Forums, and various substances of questionable legality)

Joe Girardi Hits the Bottle...

2009-04-15T00:39:00.003-04:00

Or at least that's what appears to have happened during Monday's Yanks-Rays game. Granted, I am extraordinarily fond of a glass (or six) of a proper single malt Scotch whisky every now and again...and by "every now and again" I mean every afternoon. And evening before dinner. And after dinner. And before bedtime. And after I wake up and realize that "bedtime" is just a euphemism for passing out facedown on the couch in the common room down the hall and waking up to a re-run of the Ellen DeGeneres show on the TV.

But that is neither here nor there. And I am also not managing the Yankees. Joe Girardi, however, is managing the Yankees. And in Monday's rather lopsided loss to the Rays, Joe decided that Nick Swisher was the best bullpen arm he could summon. Not sure how I feel about this one. On one hand, I am a big fan of any and all kinds of shenanigans and tomfoolery that could and do occur during ballgames, and position players pitching is often highly entertaining, plus the Yanks were down ten runs with an inning to play. But on the other hand is the Yanks' bullpen really that exhausted seven games into the season? If the 'pen is that gassed this early, Joe better start calling the YES Network people to see if they're still holding his old job for him, because he won't be keeping Captain Jetes, Sabathia Claus, and Weapon X* company in the dugout much longer. This kind of stunt belongs in August when the Yanks are seven games out of a playoff spot and Joe is trying to figure out which teams are looking to hire a bench coach. I feel guilty criticizing this move, because that is one of the least relevant innings of baseball the Yanks will play all year. But in Tampa? Where The Boss, even though he's really not doing well these days, still hates to lose to the Rays about as much as Indiana Jones hates snakes and Nazis? Bad idea. I like Joe, I think he's a good manager, and I don't want to see him fired. As much as I enjoy watching position players pitch, and I'm sure I would have very much enjoyed watching Swish take a crack at pitching, I can't help but feel that this was a rather poor decision for a guy who is on the hot seat this year simply because he manages the Yankees.

*Weapon X would be Xavier Nady, who incidentally should be riding the pine in place of Swisher. A career four months (not even a full season!!) for the f***ing Pirates shouldn't make you the Yankees starting right fielder, especially when you still can't hit right-handers. Have to give a shout-out to Where Have You Gone, Andy Van Slyke for that nickname- Pat Lackey does great stuff at WHYGAVS and is probably the main reason why I started reading baseball blogs- once I did start, I found some great stuff at several blogs, but Pat was the first blog of great writing by a regular fan that I came across. So go read him too- he's great. And sorry Pat for taking a shot at the Pirates- it's just too easy, and clearly we need all the help we can get here.

And now I feel shitty for raining on the "this inning doesn't matter for shit so let's screw around" parade. So here's me making up for it: as a Canadiens fan, I am supposed to strongly dislike if not flat out hate the Bruins, especially now that they are playing the Canadiens in the playoffs yet again- but I do have to hand it to their marketing/media people, this commercial is funny as hell. That said, Go Habs!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cr89xbl26g

AL West

2009-04-12T21:06:00.000-04:00

~~~~AL West~~~~

*Los Angeles Angels*
Strengths: If they can continue to win far more games than they have any right to, and as long as Roger Bomman doesn’t become an atheist, they should be able to crush a pansy ass division like the AL West.
Weaknesses: Nobody will take Chone Figgins seriously as long as he tries to insist that it’s pronounced “Shawn”. If my name were spelled Agamemnon I couldn’t just go around telling people that it’s pronounced “Steve”.
Deciding Factor: Bobby Abreu did not prove to be a “true Yankee”, however, he has a chance to become a “true Angel” if he can dominate his division in the regular season and then choke in the playoffs. In related news, ARod was recently declared an honorary Angel.
Fun Fact: Vladimir Guerrero remains the only player to hit a homerun on an attempted pickoff throw to first.

*Oakland Athletics*
Strengths: Dallas Braden has a really manly name, unlike teammate and suspected girly man Dana Eveland. When I see Dallas Braden I think of a muscley guy prepared to kick your ass. When I see Dana Eveland I wonder if ESPN is screening “A League of Their Own”.
Weaknesses: The Athletics were unable to get enough funding for a project which sought to make their stadium more environmentally friendly by powering it with wind turbines powered by the gusts caused by Jack Cust swinging and missing.
Deciding Factor: Many expected the Athletics’ signing of superstar players and giving up prospects to herald the end of the world. Watch out for other signs like black dressed horsemen, false prophets, and fans in the ballpark after the seventh inning.
Fun Fact: Jason Giambi is so oily that had he been present in Jerusalem after the Maccabees defeated the Seleucids, he’d have fueled the eternal flame for months and Hannukah would be a year round celebration.

*Seattle Mariners*
Strengths: The honeymoon following the signing of Ken Griffey Jr. should be enough to keep suicide rates down among the Mariners' fans, though they probably won’t drop as low as the Mariners’ win percentage.
Weaknesses: Ichiro Suzuki is #1 on the depth chart at every position, but due to some silly rule can only play at one of them in each game.
Deciding Factor: Erik Bedard better pull himself together this season if he wants any chance of scoring mad pussy ever again. I hear that guy banged half of Baltimore. No idea why you'd ever want to though...
Fun Fact: Seattle acquired David Aardsma from the Red Sox, meaning that they will have the first player in every single alphabetical listing of MLB players. I mean, the dude’s name comes before Aardvark in the dictionary, how crazy is that?

*Texas Rangers*
Strengths: Between moving Young to third, calling up Elvis Andrus, signing Omar Vizquel as a backup and the hope of Ian Kinsler rebounding on defense, the Rangers defense should greatly improve in their ability to watch every other pitch to the opposing team end up in the bleachers.
Weaknesses: The Rangers had a 5.15 bullpen ERA last year. On most teams, you would think that was pathetic, but it was better than the ERA of their starting rotation, which was led by their “Ace” with a 5.07 ERA. I don’t even need to make a joke, the Rangers pitching IS a punchline.
Deciding Factor: The Rangers signed Andruw Jones this offseason. Their best hope is that he gets a horrible concussion, developing retrograde amnesia so he completely forgets his last two or three seasons. Of course, Dodgers and Braves fans have been banging their heads against walls for the last two years just hoping to get amnesia of Jones' performance for them and haven't had much luck.
Fun Fact: Josh Hamilton will suffer a tremendous blow this season when it turns out that he never had drug problems and it was just a publicity stunt, losing him support from the legions of Narcotics Anonymous members, which is a substantial population seeing as Rangers pitching is the leading cause of hardcore drug use in Texas.

(Division previews inspired by The Onion Sports, The Brushback Report, Gamefaqs Forums, and various substances of questionable legality)

AL Central Preview

2009-04-11T02:18:00.006-04:00

~~AL Central~~

Chicago White Sox

Strengths: With guys like Buehrle, Danks and Gavin Floyd just in the rotation, Chicago are a shoe-in for the “Whitest Names in an Ensemble Pitching Staff” Award.

Weaknesses: AJ Pierzynski is running out of things to say to mess with opposing batters, and has resorted to asking random questions and saying “that’s what she said” regardless of whether it makes any sense in context.

Deciding factor: The team has a chance to greatly increase its payroll due to the success of Ozzie Guillen scrabble, which introduces * as a letter and gives bonuses for the number of people insulted when you spell out a word or phrase.

Fun fact: Starting pitcher Bartolo Colon is unique in that while many people have been described as “eating enough for a small African country”, Colon actually ate Senegal.

Cleveland Indians

Strengths: Lead the league in pitchers who were really good for one year and mediocre to horrible otherwise.

Weaknesses: Jhonny Peralta has such poor range at shortstop that the Indians are considering hiring Barry Bonds to replace him with the hope that his enormous head will physically block all balls hit to the left side of the diamond.

Deciding factor: Grady Sizemore’s name is suspiciously similar to Grady Little. It’s going to take more than just a few years as one of the best offensive centerfielders in baseball to convince people that this isn’t a coincidence.

Fun fact: The Indians have two of the most badass names in baseball: Asdrubal and Fausto.

Detroit Tigers

Strengths: Cannot possibly disappoint more than they did last year, so it’s all uphill from here. Or at least continued progress at the same altitude.

Weaknesses: Release of new Guitar Hero is expected to decimate the pitching staff to the point where they may have to recruit random fans to close out games.

Deciding factor: Tigers management has implemented a new "pegging" rule this spring in hopes of teaching Miguel Cabrera that the whole "fat kid in dodgeball" look has its drawbacks.

Fun fact: Magglio Ordonez’s hair is so springy that the army is looking to use it in the development of special new woven bulletproof vests that will repel bullets back at assailants.

Kansas City Royals

Strengths: Will undoubtedly win more games than there are fans of or players on the Kansas City Royals who are satisfied with their lives.

Weaknesses: Being in Kansas City.

Deciding factor: Pitching is clearly not Kyle Farnsworth’s thing, so I have no idea why they’re trying to leave him there. You wouldn’t leave David Ortiz at shortstop. Put him in his natural position: “guy who beats the hell out of the entire opposing team” where he can be put to the most use. The only reason I can think of that this hasn’t happened already is that he Farnbustered whoever tried to tell him he couldn’t pitch.

Fun fact: Addition of Coco Crisp, along with players Brian Bannister, David DeJesus and Billy Butler makes the alliteration-iest team in baseball.

Minnesota Twins

Strengths: Due in part to experimental breeding techniques to multiply their “scrappy” players, have become the most frustrating team in AL Central, with a PESKY rating of 7.3

Weaknesses: A Canadian is arguably the best player on their team. This is the equivalent of a white guy being the best player on a basketball team.

Deciding factor: They almost won the AL Central by default when everybody else sucked this year, they have a chance if everybody sucks again, but even worse this time.

Fun fact: They should never have gotten rid of Tom Brunansky, that guy was money in RBI Baseball for the NES.

(Division previews inspired by The Onion Sports, The Brushback Report, Gamefaqs Forums, and various substances of questionable legality)

AL East Preview

2009-04-09T22:39:00.005-04:00

We start off with an informative preview of this year in MLB, starting with the AL East.

~~~~AL East~~~~

Baltimore Orioles
Strengths: In a few years, Orioles fans will look back at this team and appreciate the fact that the 2012 Orioles at least have a shot at 4th in the division, which will have seemed impossible after their 2009 season.
Weaknesses: Felix Pie pronounces his name like a Frenchman instead of a delicious, patriotic pastry. This hatred of freedom will inevitably cause some drama in the clubhouse.
Deciding Factor: If Cal Ripken Jr. came out of retirement, and played at the same level as his peak years, and carried the team to a winning record, it might make it slightly more difficult for the visiting teams fans to fill the park.
Fun Fact: GM Andy MacPhail has the most accurate name in baseball since 1950s pitcher “Michael Kantwin”, who did not win a single major league game in his entire career, primarily due to the fact that he didn’t actually exist.

Boston Red Sox
Strengths: With the additions of Smoltz, Penny and Baldelli along with extensions to Pedroia and Youkilis, the front office is closing in on their goal of a roster of 25 “gritty”, “team-oriented” white guys.
Weaknesses: Julio Lugo
Deciding Factor: The Red Sox are currently appealing to Major League Baseball to allow them to DH for their catcher instead of their pitcher. This change would improve their offense roughly as much as if your local beer league first baseman were replaced with Albert Pujols .
Fun Fact: With the departure of Manny Ramirez and Curt Schilling, there is a power vacuum in the field of “causing unnecessary drama”. Who will step up to fill the void? My money’s on Tim Wakefield. That nice guy façade doesn’t trick me, he was just biding his time until he could take the “Team Asshole” throne unopposed.

New York Yankees
Strengths: The Yankees have finally managed to shed the popular opinion of the other 29 teams, their fans, and most of America that the Yankees try to buy a Championship every year. This was achieved by signing public opinion to an 8 year, $200 million deal.
Weaknesses: Despite his best efforts, Alex Rodriguez has only made the front page of the New York Post in about one-fifth of its issues this offseason. Of course, it should come as no surprise that A-Rod is hitting .200 after September.
Deciding Factor: The Yankees have a great shot at the division unless they forget to stock the postgame buffet for CC Sabathia, as there is a good chance that the team would function less effectively if everybody else on the roster was eaten alive in between games.
Fun Fact: The federal government tried to get the Yankees to bail out the entire US Financial system. The Yankees were unwilling to do so as the Financial System plays shortstop and the Yankees aren’t willing to move Jeter, despite the Financial System having better range.

Tampa Bay Rays
Strengths: The number of players on the roster who have been convicted of domestic violence has dropped significantly in the past few years. While it may seem boring to some, there are a few benefits of having players who can hit a ball instead of a spouse.
Weaknesses: If Rookie of the Year frontrunner David Price does not win the award, Evan Longoria will probably be a real douchebag about it. You know, “accidentally” leaving his RotY trophy outside of Price’s locker and comforting Price with “It’s okay, not ALL top prospects are completely awesome right from the start.”
Deciding Factor: The Rays are hoping that their entire bullpen can recapture the form that led every single player in their bullpen to have the best year of their life last year. This would be preferable to them recapturing the form that made them suck every other year in their careers.
Fun Fact: Jokes that play off the similarity between the names of Evan Longoria and Eva Longoria never get old. Speaking of which, if they had kids, they should totally hyphenate the last names, so you could have Evan Longoria-Longoria Junior.

Toronto Blue Jays
Strengths: In recent years, Toronto has had the talent to contend in the AL East but has repeatedly underperformed when their dominant-on-paper pitching rotation kept getting injured or unlucky. Toronto will not have that problem this year, having already lost all their decent pitchers except Roy Halladay, and thus ridding themselves of any of this so-called “potential".
Weaknesses: Starting pitching, starting lineup, bench, being in Canada
Deciding Factor: Roy Halladay pitched 246 innings last year for a 2.78 ERA. If he can double that inning count and improve his ERA, Toronto MIGHT be able to come in 3rd in the division.
Fun Fact: Due to the exchange rate, a run scored in Canada is worth only .85 American runs.

(Division previews inspired by The Onion Sports, The Brushback Report, Gamefaqs Forums, and various substances of questionable legality)

It's Opening Day

2009-04-09T22:33:00.000-04:00

Or at least it was recently. I'm not good with deadlines. I remember them- I just don't ever really meet them. I should know better than to do a cheesy Opening Day post, mostly because Alec will probably question my sexuality for it, but it's hard to resist, and it wouldn't be the first time he insinuated I was gay. I love baseball. I wouldn't be making an ass of myself on this blog if I didn't. And Opening Day is great, don't get me wrong- it's a beautiful celebration of the return of our great game after winter; it wipes away the slog of the winter months and the unreal nature of spring training in some far-away sunshiney state and gives us the concrete reality of games being played in familiar stadiums again. And I, like every other baseball fan, celebrate and enjoy Opening Day- I've been to a lot of ballgames, but an Opening Day is something I've never done and would love to do. But Opening Day isn't what really does it for me. What I love and treasure as the real indication that the game I love has returned is the day after Opening Day- the second game of the season. There's so much pomp and circumstance associated with the simple reality that we're playing real baseball games again that the game itself falls by the wayside. Day 2 is what it's really about- just baseball. (Sans beer, if you're unlucky enough to be in Toronto...shouldn't they give you beer just for having to live in Canada?) Day 2 is the beautiful reality of a 180 day, 162 game season setting in- baseball is back, and it's here for the long haul. It's like Opening Day is too beautiful and perfect to be true, and the day after is baseball telling you "Relax, I'm back. And I'm not going anywhere." Nevermind that it left us to face the fall and winter cold and alone, as the former Comissioner Giamatti said, the game has returned, and will be our comfort and our friend through the long, lazy summer days for which it is so perfectly suited.

Rejected Blog Names

2009-04-09T22:00:00.000-04:00

Cult of Julio Lugo

Third Out at Third

Julian Tavarez's Porn Star Ambitions

The Wallzie

Dock Ellis' Magical Mushrooms

Manny Ramirez's Unicorns

Pregame Ceremonies

2009-04-09T19:00:00.001-04:00

Hello, we are Alec Trevelyan and Terence Mann. Welcome to this blog, which represents the corporeal form of our obsession.

The first thing you should know is that we both love baseball. We're not just talking "Watch the home team at the local sports bar a few nights a week" love here. No, we're talking "watching two last place teams from the opposite side of the country play instead of being productive of sleeping" love.

We are two guys who can derive genuine enjoyment watching two teams we don't care about. We discuss baseball trades and minor leaguers in the off season. We have played hundreds of games of the RBI Baseball for the NES in the last few years, discussing random baseball stories and cursing (or cheering) the fact that Nolan Ryan is apparently the best hitter on the 1986 Houston Astros. We argue Hall of Fame cases, we talk about awesome and horrible facial hair, and we hire hitmen for certain closers who couldn't hold a 9th inning, 3-run lead if you spotted them a leadoff double play.

Mostly, we just like talking baseball. And making fun of Julio Lugo.

Our plan here is nonexistent, as plans are for wimps. We're making this up as we go along. We basically want to talk baseball, make fun of people, and otherwise get some cathartic release for our obsession.

There will be humor and there will be actual analysis, though we will seek to provide a proper balance which involves disappointing amounts of both. We draw inspiration from Fire Joe Morgan, the Onion Sports, the Brushback Report, and your mom.

~~About the Authors~~
Alec and Terence are a pair of college juniors who also happen to be horrible people. These descriptions are subject to change depending on how extroverted and hyperbolic we are feeling at the time.

Alec is a born and raised Red Sox fan from just outside New Haven, CT: the Gaza Strip of Baseball fandom.

Terence is a Yankees, Twins and Phillies fan due family relations and the fact that he makes no sense.

So, without further ado, let's begin.